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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
bookworm14 · 05/09/2017 11:34

You are absolutely not being unreasonable and I'm astonished that anyone thinks you are. My youngest sibling has multiple severe learning disabilities and the thought of anyone excluding them from a family party is appalling (I know people are saying it's not a family party, but it clearly is if grandparents etc are invited).

Well done to you and your DH for standing up for DD2.

PickAChew · 05/09/2017 11:35

Given that the failry clearly has form for excluding your DD2, I don't think that you are being at all unreasonable. If it was a one off, then I'm sure you would have felt more comfortable with the giving you a break suggestion, but in context, it sounds like a rather swift act of arse covering.

PickAChew · 05/09/2017 11:35

the family clearly

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 11:36

I have a dd 10 who has SN, she can find parties overwhelming and stressful. I kind of get why they just asked dd1, mabey they thought it would be too much for your dd and she might not enjoy it. If they thought that, they should have asked you.

Zubba · 05/09/2017 11:36

OP, your DD1 is not going to miss out. There will be plenty of school friend parties that she can go to solo, to find her own identity etc

Your SIL is being incredibly horrible barring a cousin from a family party because of disability. That's just not on.
I would not go, your DD1 should be shown that shunning disability should be not be pandered to and you are a family unit that attends together and you aren't going to bend to fit others ideals.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 11:38

Neutrogena, that was patronising . I'm not into meaningless tautology, I was saying that the burden to the other child was unfair.

HostaFireAndIce · 05/09/2017 11:40

OP, YA definitely NBU.
To those suggesting that there might be some reason why SiL thinks it would be inappropriate for DD2, then she should have rung the OP, shouldn't she, talk it through and let her decide? The fact that she didn't speaks volumes.

t1mum3 · 05/09/2017 11:40

zzzz "My children would rather eat glass than go to a party their brother wasn't invited to because he was disabled"

This.

Different if not invited because they are not friends with the party child, or different class at school etc.

It's not about curtailing the fun of the "non-disabled" sibling. It's about common decency and being family. OP I think you have made the right decision.

Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 11:40

I think its ignorance on their part tbh. This is family, not a friend, its excluding her because of her disability which is wrong. Its like they don't know how to deal with it, and are scared. In that sense, they should talk to you, not exclude her. I think that its good you stuck by your principles, anyway, your dd1 was not keen on going. So have a nice day out as a family, and do something nice together.

Devilishpyjamas · 05/09/2017 11:43

My family has always been very inclusive of ds1. I know a few families where the disabled child has been purposely excluded and in all cases the included siblings have told the extended family members to get stuffed if they won't include their disabled sibling.

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 11:46

Sorry op I didn't explain that well, I didn't mean 'shifting the focus' to sound like a slur. I meant purely from a practical view, in some situations nt able bodied dc rightly need to come second to the greater needs of the child with sn/ disabilities. Eg if a child has a meltdown during a party game, it could end the party game and maybe stop more being held, or in a small space make any running about impossible because there's too much risk someone will knock the wheelchair/ unsteady dc over. Which at a bday party might completely change the experience for the bday girl.

However from your latest posts I don't see any of those practical problems changing a tea party, so it's irrelevant. But didn't want you thinking I was trying to imply that you shouldn't expect reasonable adjustments or dd2 to be included.

Boulshired · 05/09/2017 11:51

It is heartbreaking, our families always invite DS2 but know we never take him as it's just too much for him. It did hurt when a close friend left him off an invitation, I know she left him off because she knows he will not come but it still hurt reading it in black and white.

yumyumpoppycat · 05/09/2017 11:52

ywnbu this was very insensitive of her.

ShellyBoobs · 05/09/2017 11:54

YW definitely NBU.

I'm not surprised you're both incensed by SIL's attitude towards DD2!

Nikephorus · 05/09/2017 11:58

Maybe, since it's mainly a party for school friends (albeit with grandparents tagging along) rather than a proper family party, DD1 has only been invited because they feel obliged to (her being the same age) and actually SIL really didn't want to invite either to this occasion i.e. it's not that she's excluding DD2 but rather that she's inviting DD1 out of obligation rather than a desire to have her there. Personally I can't see why you'd want to invite someone along who doesn't know the other guests (the children ones, not the GPs) so not inviting either DD would make more sense but maybe SIL thought you'd be offended if she didn't?
Why not just give SIL a call & calmly ask if there was a reason for not inviting DD2?

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 11:58

It did hurt when a close friend left him off an invitation, I know she left him off because she knows he will not come but it still hurt reading it in black and white.

Boulshired I think you need to have a chat with your close friend. You already know she left your DS's name off the invitation because she knows he will not come, and she may well, eg, have thought she was being more considerate in not pressuring you to bring him, or she may have not wanted to rub it in that he could not come even with an invitation. It's kind of unfair on your friend, and will be detrimental to your friendship in the end, if you aren't clear with her about what you'd like.

Gindingaling · 05/09/2017 11:59

OP, I have a disabled child. He's a young man now so based on all the ins and outs of these kind of things: Your SIL sounds horrible and for that reason alone they're not people Id ever be visiting again. To be able to do this to a child displays an absolutely horrible character. You should be able to rock up to anyone in the family and see a smile on their face when the door is opened. I just dont understand people like this and I thank God every day that my lot have been the best extended family my son could have got.

And it doesn't matter if it was a family party or children just being dropped off at a relatives because the bottom line was that anyone with any common sense would know you'd stay so DD2 could attend.

Rinkidink · 05/09/2017 11:59

I don't really understand why you wouldn't invite the disabled sibling too, if its a family party?

Can someone explain to me please?

WinnieTheW0rm · 05/09/2017 11:59

There are quite a lot of threads on MN about bringing a non-invited sibling along to a children's party.

If DD1 is the same age as DN, and no other siblings are invited, I don't see that they have done anything wrong - indeed if you are new to the area, it's a good way for DD1 to meet children of the same age and achoo, year.

If however all other invitees are allowed to bring siblings, then it's horrid.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 05/09/2017 12:01

Both cousins should be invited or not at all. The older sibling has the opportunities to do her own thing via her own network of friends where it is normal not to include siblings, but by inviting one cousin it has been made into a family event.

DS1 is within a year of DCous2. I have a younger child. He has an older sibling so the gap from oldest cousin to youngest is 6 years. Either the activity has been appropriate for the age spread and both invited, or it hasn't and neither has been particularly now the age/ interest gap of DCous is, widening. This has worked both ways. If I invite the cousins to DS2's event, it's for their parents to veto, not me to decide that it's not appropriate for their child.

ineedmorethanthis · 05/09/2017 12:03

Been in same position as you and it broke my heart. It was a big fancy dress party and other cousins invited. Only two years between mine and there's so not big age difference.

It sucks. I find this life very lonely. Friends buddy up to go on holiday. I can't even hold my marriage together.

Think about whether you want to accept and seethe and move on or challenge. I seethed and seethed. I wish I had discussed it at the time but I find them hard to talk to.

CherriesInTheSnow · 05/09/2017 12:03

Neutrogena is such a cock honestly what joy is there in life to purposely be an arsehole to people on the internet Hmm

OP I've only read the first page of comments but I don't think you are being unreasonable to be upset at all, you are not asking anyone to look after her as you would be there yourself, and honestly all practicalities aside who on earth thinks it would not make you feel like shit to have your little DD excluded when she is profoundly disabled; families should make the extra effort to include her as it is obviously going to impact on something which is already difficult for you. It's honestly not justifiable.

Theyhaveallbeenused2 · 05/09/2017 12:06

Yadnbu although your sil definatley is.

Gindingaling · 05/09/2017 12:07

f it's a family party I guess that's totally different but coming at it from a different point of view, I have a disabled sibling and sometimes it was so nice to places without him and not to have explain to other children why he is like that and just to be able to be me, not flippety with the handicapped brother; so maybe bear that in mind for DD1 going forward (although you say she's only 4/5 so that really wouldn't kick in for a bit anyway)

I'm aware that makes me sound like a horrible human being but there you go

I dont think it makes you sound horrible at all though I do think you could have said it a bit differently. The 'flippety' was especially eye watering.

Ive always believed that as a parent of a child with a disability its our responsibility to let our other children know they can have a life of their own, that their disabled sibling doesn't have to figure in every part of their life. We have to help ease the guilt they instinctively feel about the situation. We shouldnt be adding to it.

Gindingaling · 05/09/2017 12:09

I don't really understand why you wouldn't invite the disabled sibling too, if its a family party?

Its quite simple really. There are just some people in the world who cant cope with disability. There are also others who just don't want to put effort into making it possible for a disabled person to be part of a day.

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