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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 11:16

Flippety, it doesn't make you sound like a horrible human because you were a child back them. You don't feel the same now, presumably.

I think you should be able to say how you felt about your experiences because it gives perspective and context to how a child might feel so helpful for a parent to know how best to approach this to help BOTH children.

zzzzz · 05/09/2017 11:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BeepBeepMOVE · 05/09/2017 11:16

Francels Please don't take this the wrong way and I hope you don't find this rude.
She's one year younger in actual age but you mention she is severely disabled. If she is developmentally say 18months then in this situation it does matter. You would treat her like you would an 18month old and they wouldn't be invited to a 5 year olds school party where I'm guessing it's a drop and run type situation. Would she interact with the other children and join in or would she be sat with you the whole time?

If she is more similar in developmental age to her actual age then I'm way off the mark.
Is it possible SIL just didn't want you a and DH there and knows that by inviting DD2 one of you would have to stay? Not saying she doesn't like you but could she be having her mum friends there who you don't know and worry sit will be awkward?

Knottyash5 · 05/09/2017 11:17

DD1 is going to miss out on so much over her life because she had a disabled sister

Yes I think so too. It may be that she would not have wanted to go to this party anyway but I hope that in future you will not require her to miss things because it's a point of principle with your younger DD. And she will want to spend time away from her - that may not be palatable but it's likely to be the truth unless she's exceptionally kind.

sometimes it was so nice to places without him and not to have explain to other children why he is like that and just to be able to be me

I don't think this is horrible at all, but natural. I suspect Onionknight does not have any disabled relatives and is merely virtue signalling from a position of safety.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 11:17

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - spot on.

"What are you gong to do for future events? Are you going to tell the wider family that you've refused this invite for DD1 giving the well-justified reasons for this?"

Yes

People are getting hung up on the 'younger sibling' thing. DD2 is 4, DD1 is 5. A 4-year-old can attend a tea party as much as a 5-year-old can. My 4-year-old is capable of eating cake, enjoying balloons, having a laugh and listening to other children laugh. She would get a lot out of it. It wouldn't 'shift the focus' from the birthday girl as we would be with her 100% and we know how to manage her. If she 'shifts the focus' from the guest of honour then does she never get to attend special events like birthdays, weddings, christenings? How absolutely tragic.

And don't worry about DD1, we bend over backwards to make sure she gets time alone with both of us, one of us, her grandparents, her uncle, etc. She's more than fine, and growing up being so close to someone with a disability can only make her a better human being.

OP posts:
LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 11:19

Onion, you're being a bit aggressive and Flippety has explained. Perhaps think of how a sibling might feel as well as yourself.

Knottyash5 · 05/09/2017 11:19

Ok just saw Onionknight's later post. Apologies, you DO know what you are talking about.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 11:19

I don't think this is horrible at all, but natural. I suspect Onionknight does not have any disabled relatives and is merely virtue signalling from a position of safety.

How fucking dare you!

I have Cerebral Palsy and I have experienced being left out of things because of my disability.

SilverBirchTree · 05/09/2017 11:20

BeepBeep, its common for people to infantilise those with disabilities, but it isn't right. DD2 isn't 18mths, she is close in age to the other children and should be treated as such. Her version of participation in the party might be different, but that's something her Aunty should accomodate with the parents help.

theEagleIsLost · 05/09/2017 11:20

DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten,

Given this and fact you judge DD1 probably won't be bothered by missing - I think YANBU.

Neutrogena · 05/09/2017 11:20

@LyiWitch

I feel sorry for both of your daughters because DD2 will be constantly excluded for no reason other than her disabilities and DD1, as she grows older, will be burdened with guilt as her ability to experience 'nice' things and her sister not. That's grossly unfair.

Agree. Disability is unfair.
I don't think anyone is saying otherwise.
We need to deal with it though - not keep saying how unfair it is.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 11:20

The fact that your younger DD is overlooked by your family at other times is obviously NOT ok but I think that might be a separate matter.

No it's not a separate matter, it's symptomatic of the same problem and needs to be challenged.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 11:21

Yes Flippety has clarified in a way that I no longer think she is horrible but she said it, not me.

JWrecks · 05/09/2017 11:21

It seems horrible to even suggest excluding your DD2 from anything, even if it's something she just can't participate in directly. It seems so heartless! I do hope your SIL had genuinely good intentions, or maybe simply misunderstands disability or something...

I grew up with a profoundly mentally and physically disabled (slightly distant, by-marriage) relative, and she was and is ALWAYS warmly welcome at any and every family function, without exception. She adores watching the children play and interacting with everyone, and even though she does seem to understand that she can't fully participate in the fun, she's still always very excited to come - she'll watch the clock for hours and announce time to go! Only a monster would take that away from her!

Her invitation has always been a given, and in fact everyone always genuinely hopes that she'll be able to come! She's not a bother, she's not some spectacle, she's not in the way... she's family.

@MollyHuaCha - Oh my goodness, that's so terribly sad!! Checking it wasn't a mistake! Oh that breaks my heart!

abilockhart · 05/09/2017 11:21

It would be VU of your SIL not to invite your DD2 to a family party.

However, it does not appear to be a family party. Parties for schoolfriends can be hectic and maybe your SIL feels she will not be able to look after your DD2 in such an environment. I'm not saying you are in any way wrong to refuse an invitation for DD1 but I do think you should give consideration to what willitbe posted.

TooManyBigFatLies · 05/09/2017 11:22

People are getting hung up on the 'younger sibling' thing.

Now you've actually told us the ages then I can see that YANBU.... 4 and 5 with the party girl turning 5 makes it clear your DD2 is being excluded because of her disabilities.

(Had your DDs been 3 and 4 with the party girl turning 5 then I could understand not inviting your DD2 as she was a 'younger' sibling. IYSWIM)

BarbarianMum · 05/09/2017 11:22

YANBU YANBU YANBU

There is a time and place for similarly -aged siblings to do things without each other and a family birthday party is not it.

SilverBirchTree · 05/09/2017 11:22

OP, thank you for your post. I've been shocked at some of the outdated and exclusionist views expressed by some PPs, I really didn't think people held them anymore. You must have to navigate these views all the time.

Stay strong for your daughters OP. It sounds like you're doing an awesome job & they are both lucky to have you Flowers

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 11:23

Your (nuclear) family sounds lovely, Francels. In a way it's a shame that you moved to be closer to family because now it's obvious, up close and personal, that some have issues.

You're free now to disengage from any who aren't openly supportive of all of your children and that frees you up to spend time with those who think that family is everything.

BarbarianMum · 05/09/2017 11:24

It's a family party if you are inviting your cousin. Op's dd and her cousin are not schoolmates.

WhoresDoeuvres · 05/09/2017 11:27

She's more than fine, and growing up being so close to someone with a disability can only make her a better human being.

With respect OP, this is a bit naive. Often a child grows up feeling resentful of their disabled sibling.

I think in your battle with the family member who excluded your other DD, you are throwing DD1 under the bus, which is unfair. She is a person in her right and not a way to point score.

gotthemoononastick · 05/09/2017 11:28

Willitbe 11.07...a wonderful ,sensitive and wise post.Flowers to you.

lalalalyra · 05/09/2017 11:30

I think given you said DD2 is often overlooked, her birthday forgotten it's a good thing your DH has drawn a line in the sand with his sister over it.
Your DD1 isn't in your nieces class or school so she's only invited because she is DN's cousin so if you are inviting cousins then you invite cousins.

Only1scoop · 05/09/2017 11:30

'overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten'

That's awful

ArcheryAnnie · 05/09/2017 11:31

I feel angry and heartbroken for both your daughters, OP. It's obviously unacceptable for your in-laws to behave like this and exclude your disabled DD. ("Forgetting" her birthday is also really shit of them.) It's also had an effect on your other DD, too, and even if she's young enough not to care about this party, this will be replicated throughout her whole childhood (and indeed her adulthood too, especially if she has caring responsibilities for her sister once you are gone).

I think the difficult dance you will have to do in future years, again and again, is balancing both your DDs' interests - and while I think you were absolutely right this time, there may be times when your DD1's desires to go to an event have to be considered along with the obvious injustice of DD2 being excluded. It's a really difficult thing to balance, but if it's not at least attempted, it can lead to a lifetime of guilt and resentment between the siblings. It's difficult for kids to grow up when both love each other dearly, but one also still guiltily resents that family life has to revolve around the other, because they need extra support and championing.

I found willitbe's post upthread really helpful on this.

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