AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

I would add (despite attempting to leave the thread - it's like catnip) that for all the talk of giving a balanced view and the value of people talking honestly about negative experiences of having a disabled sibling, it would be worth remembering that the OP (who sadly is no longer reading I believe) has a 4-year old child. On the assumption the OP has little other experience of disability, she is only 4 years into her 'fight'; this scary, unknown and uncertain world that no one expects and no one is prepared for. Four years in she will still be in that fabulous place of guts, fight, and determination - for ALL of her children - and for those siblings amongst us who have been worn down by the passing of time felt it important to highlight to her that there may be some shortcomings in her current ideology, this thread, her post, her story, wasn't the place x

Thatsnotapotato. You are brilliant. ❤️

zzzz you couldn't be further off the mark with your assumptions about what my own perspective is, or my motivation for posting it. You clearly have no understanding of my stance whatsoever.

But by all means, try to emotionally blackmail me into agreeing with you by suggesting it is ignorance and hate of difference, and unsympathetic to the needs of parents if I won't agree.

Not once have I told you that your experiences or opinions weren't valid, let alone accused you of having hateful motivations behind them, so I'm not quite sure why you feel the need to do that in response.

Oh come off it, op left the thread ages ago so let's not pretend that pages later people debating where and when siblings, or indeed anyone but the parents are allowed to post is somehow about hurting her. And afaik once the full situation with the sil was known, nobody in the sibling debate condoned the sils behaviour or said it was acceptable.

So why mention hate of difference or ignorance? Are they pleasant motivations to attach to someone? Or that I am posting through a desire to share my hurt and damage? Is that a pleasant motivation? Why assume I am even a sibling myself? Is it that hard to understand that it is possible to empathise with a sibling without being one? And yes, you are telling people their experiences aren't valid if you want to dictate where they can or cannot be aired.

We do agree on one thing though, this thread has truly irritated me too.

I think yanbu and they are being shit. How old is the birthday child. I think the only excuse would be if the child is choosing a small number of their friends themselves. Maybe at 6 or perhaps 5. That is when I have stopped inviting my friend's children and starting inviting who they want.

Yes and if people think you are trying to silence an opinion they are also likely to say so. And I'm confident enough in mine that I don't need to call yours shitty to justify myself.

No answer to the rest I note zzz?

What if she is dixie? Last time I mentioned ops situation was before she left, and before everyone piled in trying to shut down the sibling view. So it's pretty far fetched to suggest my general opinion on the subject is directed at her, and therefore should not be shared incase she is reading and thinks it is.

When posts come from emotion it is always going to be difficult. I am a parent who knows that there is impact on my children.
zzzzz you use language such as "refuse" and "choice" and can understand your post is from emotion and protection but I do not have the luxury of the powers of them words. My choice is very shortly if the violence cannot be controlled residential care or DS2 siblings never being close enough for him to attack them. This thread was not about this and I do agree that it hurt the OP, but I also understand the siblings hurt, and the need to validate when being silenced.

I refuse to see my life and my nt children's life as inevitably blighted, and my children with SN as the source of that blight.

And that's great, zzzzz, and it is genuinely good to read it. However, as no doubt you know very well indeed, it requires constant work, and it also requires constant vigilance. I started posting on this thread, not just reading, because I was seeing too many posts which seemed unaware of this, and assumed that parents' views of how their non-disabled DCs' lives were was always objective truth.

If you asked my late mum how our childhood was, her answer would bear no relation to how the kids (including both disabled and non-disabled siblings) would answer the same question. And this has to do with a whole bunch of fairly serious factors, not just the presence of a disabled sibling in the mix, but it's important because what parents think their kids are going through is not necessarily a reflection of what the kids are ACTUALLY going through.

I think it's more unkind not to talk about this with families that are at the start of their family life together. I would hate, as a mother, for people with direct experience of an issue not to discuss that issue in front of me for fear it would upset me, when knowing more about that issue could make life better for my DC, and help avoid a lifetime of difficult feelings between people who love each other. And then if I found out about it too late, after damage had been done, how bitter that would be.

If you asked my late mum how our childhood was, her answer would bear no relation to how the kids (including both disabled and non-disabled siblings) would answer the same question.

100% agree, but the opposite way round. My parents' answer would be filled with talk of sacrifice, missing out, 'hope' they hadn't let us down etc. Our answers would be we had an absolute ball. Still do. Always will.

But I understand you feel a need to be heard and understood. But this post was never about the OP asking for advice in general. It was a specific situation which was deeply hurtful and understandably so. Piling extra worry onto her in an already emotionally-charged and vulnerable situation wasn't necessary, even if people think they have a need to be heard.

I appreciate your point, Not, but I don't agree that I was "piling on extra worry". If people are posting stuff to a parent that i don't believe to be true (or at least not universally true), and I think it has real possibility of causing harm to that parent's family some time down the road, then that's when I am going to speak up. If you look at what I've actually posted, I specifically supported the OP in this case, too.

You can say that, zzzzz, but you are on the other side of the equation from me. You haven't been in my shoes.