AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

I had a similar issue and made a stand at the same age calmly and politely. The result was actually positive and mine is included far more and everyone is less worried about it

YANBU, I'd leave your DH to it and back him up by telling them how hurtful it is to exclude someone just because they are disabled.

@Sandsunsea
Neutrogena. You are wrong and clearly have no understanding at all of this situation

There's no right or wrong - it's opinion.
The OP agrees with me as well...

That is awful. My son is a few years younger than my nieces but they always got invited to his parties until the age gap meant they really didn't want to be surrounded by screaming kids. I would never have left them out and I certainly would never have left one out just because they are disabled. So sorry you have experienced this.

Your DD hasn't "missed out" apart from not going to the party organised by someone with a mean spirit. Who wants to go there?

BeepbeepMOVE - They're only older by 1 year, and DD1 doesn't know any of them so it really is because she's disabled.
If the party was at Go Ape you might have a point, but it's a tea party at her home so I don't see any reason why DD2 couldn't go - she loves cake!
Regarding your final sentence, it's different because she's not a 'younger sibling', she's a cousin just one year younger who happens to be disabled and she will ALWAYS be a cousin one year younger who happens to be disabled.

@IAmAWeed

Neutrogena It isn't a case of taking a child somewhere she isn't wanted. The child SHOULD be wanted

I agree 100%. The child should be wanted, but for some unspecified reason that we should not be speculating on, the child isn't wanted.
The OP cannot change that.

You lot are up in arms (justifiably) about the DD2 exclusion, but it isn't actually helping.
What the OP can do is make a decision if her DD1 should go. That's the discussion here.

DD1 is going to miss it on so much over her life because she had a disabled sister.

Seems pretty cruel if you to engineer it so she misses out on this party because DD2 isn't invited (who doesn't sound like she will know she's missing out anyway).

It is hard that you are in this situation, but I just want to put a different little slant on things.

It is my oldest child who has disabilities, he is only 15 months older than his younger sister. However now they are both in their teen years, there are times when my daughter needs a break from her brother. I encourage relatives to invite her separately from the family. I hope that in taking the stance now (as might seem appropriate considering the ages of the children), you might not be closing opportunities for your older daughter later to spend time with family away from the pressures of being part of a family with a child/adult with special needs.

When my children were younger I was not aware of the difficulties having a sibling with special needs caused. It is not something that you can stop, the more able sibling will look out for their sibling with disabilities and it is hard for them, and they deal with it in different ways.

I am not saying that you have done the wrong thing here, but perhaps treading carefully when talking to the relatives. I would ask if my child is being excluded due to their special needs, before accusing them of it, but accept that not everyone can cope with or understand my oldest son's disabilities. I would explain clearly why it is hurtful, without blaming them for trying to do what they thought was best.

I spent years trying to treat my children the same, and make sure that inclusiveness ruled. Now I realise that sometimes it is important that they are not treated the same, that their strengths and desires of the heart are not the same and that an individual path needs to be forged, and we fully celebrate when these paths intersect and that all can be involved together.

It sounds like it's not a family party though? It sounds like it's a school friends party to which some parents might stay and help out. If that's right then I can see just inviting your elder daughter. At 5 it could easily be that it's ALL about the birthday girl and her friends and not extended family.

Do you know if other 'younger siblings' are being invited? If not then I don't think your daughter is being 'excluded'. Having younger siblings present can really shift the feel of a party. I don't think it's unusual for them not to be invited.

The fact that your younger DD is overlooked by your family at other times is obviously NOT ok but I think that might be a separate matter.

Yanbu.

The only way it would come close to being acceptable is if it was a situation dd2 wouldn't cope with - but even then it should have been left for you and your dh to make the final call as to what was best

If it's a family party I guess that's totally different but coming at it from a different point of view, I have a disabled sibling and sometimes it was so nice to places without him and not to have explain to other children why he is like that and just to be able to be me, not flippety with the handicapped brother; so maybe bear that in mind for DD1 going forward (although you say she's only 4/5 so that really wouldn't kick in for a bit anyway).

I'm aware that makes me sound like a horrible human being but there you go.

I'm completely with your husband (and you) on this. Yes, it would be nice for your eldest daughter to do some things independently of her sister BUT that is for YOU to decide because when it comes to family events, all of your children are family.

Your youngest daughter has been excluded because people (your family) feel uncomfortable in her presence and witnessing her disabilities. They need to confront themselves for their prejudice because they are FAMLY.

I feel sorry for both of your daughters because DD2 will be constantly excluded for no reason other than her disabilities and DD1, as she grows older, will be burdened with guilt as her ability to experience 'nice' things and her sister not. That's grossly unfair.

Well done to your husband because this needs no polite excuse but outright and cold disdain. It's absolutely not on. You expect this from friends and acquaintances but not from family. They should be in each other's corner all the time, come what may.

What are you gong to do for future events? Are you going to tell the wider family that you've refused this invite for DD1 giving the well-justified reasons for this?

I'm aware that makes me sound like a horrible human being but there you go.

No shit Sherlock

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest

I agree with him entirely and Im glad he put his sis in her place too. We don't melt with shock when a disabled child is at a gathering contrary to how some people seem to view life. It would be an awful precedent to set - DD1 invited places and DD2 not. As if she's not 'perfect' enough. As DD1 grows she may become more aware of this kind of thing and could sadden her

Take your DDs out on the day somewhere really nice and enjoy special family time together

You were completely right imo, it seems cruel to me to exclude your other daughter unless there was a practical reason for it. Like a day at go ape or something equally as physical but if it's just a normal party there should be no issue you bringing her along.

I would have let DD1 go so she can have a break and a good time.

Living with a sibling with complex disabilities is unbelievably stressful for kids, even if they don't show it all the time. It's important to give them a chance to be a kid, without having to be "x's sister" all the time.

Good on your DH op - he sounds like a lovely dad x

No shit Sherlock

Onionknight - I assume you're in exactly the same situation as I was and can therefore speak from experience? Or were you one of the vile children that took the piss out of me the whole time for it? I can probably guess which from your lovely, supportive comment.

Living with a sibling with complex disabilities is unbelievably stressful for kids, even if they don't show it all the time. It's important to give them a chance to be a kid, without having to be "x's sister" all the time.

This ^^ is exactly what I was trying to say, albeit badly. Thank you

Flippetydip

I have Cerebral Palsy, so I can assure you I never took the mick out of you.