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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
Sandsunsea · 05/09/2017 10:33

Neutrogena. You are wrong and clearly have no understanding at all of this situation

Judashascomeintosomemoney · 05/09/2017 10:33

Fucking hell this has actually made me really angry. Of course YANBU. They often forget her birthday? FFS, you're a saint for being as reasonable as you are tbh.

MollyHuaCha · 05/09/2017 10:33

It's outrageous that disabled children get left out. When we got married, we invited a family with a visibly disabled child. Her parents double checked with me that this child was actually invited and I hadn't made a mistake in inviting her. She came of course, and I gave her a nice (easy) job to do at the wedding too.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:35

ChicRock - it's a party with similar aged school friends to which an older cousin has been invited but the younger one not.

I think some parents are dropping and running, and some (best friends of SIL) are staying to 'help'.

So not a family party as such, but hosted by family and with family members present (SIL, grandma, granddad, great-grandma).

OP posts:
AmIAWeed · 05/09/2017 10:36

Neutrogena It isn't a case of taking a child somewhere she isn't wanted. The child SHOULD be wanted.
I wonder if there's a communication issue here, everyone is trying to avoid talking about the daughter with disabilities and actually, that's exactly whats needed?

Perhaps your family aren't confident enough to understand what your DD2 can do, what she enjoys, what type of adjustments need making for her?
There is a very good chance throughout your daughter's life she and you will face people who discriminate not because they are bad people but because they don't understand what is needed so instead they ignore your DD2 for fear of doing the wrong thing.
One of the hardest things for you will be speaking up, asking for what she needs and doing your best not to get angry that the world isn't already made inclusive.

FizzyGreenWater · 05/09/2017 10:36

Your DH is right.

Don't 'head him off at the pass'. It's his sister, let him tell her exactly what impression she's given, seeing your DD2 as 'less than' your DD1.

And don't lose sleep over your DD1 not getting to spend time with her family if they have this attitude. She's far better served by growing up with the assumption that her sister is just as much a part of the family, to be considered as another person, as her.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 10:37

But if it's just a party with some school friends etc, then I understand why both weren't invited.

No sorry this still doesn't make sense. If it is some school friends then why is only the disabled cousin excluded? Why invite any cousin at all? Why not just keep it to school friends?

TheDodgyEnd · 05/09/2017 10:40

So your own FAMILY are discriminating against YOUR CHILD because they have disabilities?!?!
As a mum of 2 SN kiddies this has infuriated me! Your gorgeous daughter's own aunt and cousin won't allow her to come. Your SIL is an absolute disgrace! Who cares if this causes a rift - you are your DD's voice in this world and if her own family won't include her you absolutely have to speak up. What vile behaviour. My two get invited to all their cousins birthdays - because that's what family is all about!

BeepBeepMOVE · 05/09/2017 10:40

If DD2 was a lot younger do think she'd have been invited? Is she is developmentally a lot younger then it does make sense not to invite her if she wouldn't be able to actually join in.

Would be different if it was a family party but school friends party is different and younger cousins would often be left out anyway especially at that age where they can be babyish compared to school aged children.

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 10:43

Is she is developmentally a lot younger then it does make sense not to invite her if she wouldn't be able to actually join in.

If that's the case she will developmentally never catch up with the others.

Should she be excluded from everything for the rest of her life?!

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:43

Sorry just to clarify, DN and DD1 are at different schools. We are new to the area. My DD1 doesn't know any of DN's friends from school.

OP posts:
haveacupoftea · 05/09/2017 10:44

YANBU and I am raging on DD2 behalf Angry

selsigfach · 05/09/2017 10:44

Absolutely shit of SIL.YANBU. I'd be letting MIL know why neither child will be attending.

missmollyhadadolly · 05/09/2017 10:45

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest

I agree and I'm glad your DH has taken a stand. So often you see on MN men who don't say anything to their families for an easy life. I'm glad that DD2 has parents that are willing to stand up for her. You're also teaching DD1 that it's not ok for people to exclude DD2.

FoodGloriousFud · 05/09/2017 10:46

Aww op that made me really sad for your little girl. I'd be so hurt if I was your DH that his sister was so cruel and thoughtless.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:47

Thank you all for the sensitive replies Flowers definite food for thought.
You're right I have to speak up - suspect DH will get there before me...!

OP posts:
BeepBeepMOVE · 05/09/2017 10:48

brass no, i didn't mean that at all. But obviously there will be things she can't do or join in with and things she can, the same as everyone.

Would DD2 have got anything out of attending a party with lots of older children she doesn't know? Could SIL have thought that bringing DD2 would be hard work for you in that environment?

Countless times on MN people complain about younger siblings turning up at parties, not sure how this is any different just because the sibling is disabled.

Aworldofmyown · 05/09/2017 10:49

This is a family party and she should absolutely be invited.

CatalpaTree · 05/09/2017 10:51

YANBU
YANBU
YANBU

PuffinNose · 05/09/2017 10:51

Is it possible that the cousin just wanted DD1 to come because they don't like DD2. I'm sorry if that sounds rude.
Alternatively, maybe they don't have room for everyone's parents or don't want to have to entertain adults as well as kids but they know that if DD2 comes then you and/or partner will need to come.
I completely understand what you're saying but it might have nothing to do with DD2's disability.
I do agree though that DD1 is missing out now. I am not sating that to guilt trip. But there will be occassions when DD2 just won't be invited. That goes for whether they had a disability or not.
Whatever the reason, they could have handled it better and I understand why you are upset.

SilverBirchTree · 05/09/2017 10:52

YANBU at all, in fact I think you're showing a huge degree of patience with your relatives.

It makes me so angry when people exclude those living with disabilities. For it to happen within a family is horrible. Flowers

user1471495191 · 05/09/2017 10:52

I was the older sibling. I never remember my younger disabled siblings being excluded from family parties and would have hated it if they were. I went to friends parties alone so got lots of fun times by myself. YANBU.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 10:53

Your DH is not being U, I'm physically disabled and this kinda shit boils my piss.

Lurkedforever1 · 05/09/2017 10:54

If it's mainly school friends then it's quite possible it has nothing to do with dd2 having disabilities. Dd went to plenty of parties where only some cousins were included.

Or is it possible that given her complex needs that she would take the focus off the party girl so much it wouldn't be about her anymore? I don't mean that in a horrible way as though you would intend it that way, just purely from a practical pov if the necessary adjustments would stop party games, space etc. Which is obviously the right thing to do on the other 364 days a year but maybe not on the party dc's day. I do know some dcs who were taken out by another family member somewhere special for precisely this reason when it was a siblings party.

Of course all the above could be irrelevant in your situation, and she is just being vile, so I suppose it really depends on how sil usually behaves.

missmollyhadadolly · 05/09/2017 10:55

Is it possible that the cousin just wanted DD1 to come because they don't like DD2. I'm sorry if that sounds rude.

I wouldn't go anywhere where they didn't like my profoundly physically and mentally disabled child.

Family is one place where you should be assured of a welcome. The world is hard enough as it is for disabled people.