AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

[FranceIsBacon]

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

Of course, zzzzz. But the whole point of this conversation has been about how it is from the kids' point of view, not the parents.

That's the point though isn't it, only OP knows how her children feel. None of the rest of us do.

Well, no. My entire point is that only the children know how they feel, not the OP, not my mum, not anyone else speaking as a parent, and a parent can't assume that because the kids don't complain about something that they are totally OK. And there's a lot of pressure on kids in this situation, for multiple reasons, to not reveal when they are not OK.

That's why I think, from a parents' point of view, it needs constant vigilance. And the kids might indeed be OK! But they might not, even if they don't say.

100% what annie has said. I didn't interpret the siblings sharing to unload and upset op, I read it as well intentioned.

In the same way parents who posted that they've had family exclude them have done so with good intention, rather than to make op feel bad about how widely spread discrimination is. Nor did I read the posters who shared their good experiences as an attempt to make op feel bad because her family aren't decent and inclusive. I read all those parent posts as a simple sharing of experiences to try and genuinely help op. So I fail to see why people are determined to interpret the sibling view differently

I think at this point the original post is not about the siblings or the mom. It is about the Aunt and how she is treating OP's children differently, Treating her child with disabilities as some kind of dog who need to left at home instead of human and a child. Her husband apparently expected better from his sister because that is his children there.

I should add, if I am a mom, and one of my child is biracial and the other isn't, you bet I would not let either of my children go to my racist family member's house. They bad influences on both of my kids

This is not what the "the whole point of the conversation is". It's the whole point of some posters posting on this thread but many of the rest of us were posting to help OP through a horrible time.

If you look at what I posted, then you will see my posts were entirely supportive to the OP, who I agree was having a horrible time.

The conversation about siblings only came about because there was a very partial discussion about what the sliblings "must" feel, coming from other posters, which I did not think helped anybody to let stand, let alone the OP, because it did not give the whole story. You clearly disagree, but i can't help that.

The difference being if you have a bad experience such as boarding school you have a focal point (not talking of extremes such as sexual violence). When this is a disabled sibling there is an element of shame that feeling resentment/ anger towards a disabled person especially a child is wrong. DD has a scar after her brother bit her. Her second response after screaming in pain was 'I know it not his fault". My response was guilt that I had not protected her. We both felt anger but the anger has no direction because it is hard to be angry with a disabled child with no language and little communication. It feels very much like a dirty secret that if you share feels like you are being disloyal to your child/sibling.

What an interesting discussion. I suspect a lot of the impact on siblings depends on whether they feel they are allowed (physically and emotionally) to have their own lives once they grow up - for example if they are involved in the day to day care of their disabled sibling, and become part of their parents' caring 'team'. The word 'guilty' is a common theme in many of the adult siblings posting.

"It feels like a dirty secret" - this 100%. My parents would be devastated if they knew what an impact having a disabled sibling had/has on my life. I love my parents and my siblings (all of them) and we've all been impacted in some way, yet I don't discuss it even with my non-disabled sister. We've been managing in our own way for 40 years, and there's no point opening wounds.

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When this is a disabled sibling there is an element of shame that feeling resentment/ anger towards a disabled person especially a child is wrong.

Boulshired has hot the nail on the head. Plus when you love the person/people who have hurt you (whether you identify your sibling or your parents as the "culprits"), and when you know that even if you spoke up, the situation won't/can't change.

As I said it's strikingly similar to unhappiness voiced by some ex-boarding school children.

You're not wrong there, and for very similar reasons. I was sent to boarding school against my will, I didn't have a voice - I wasn't allowed a voice - because to quote my father "your mother has the right to make the choice if it's in your best interests". My father had no idea how utterly horrendous my mother actually was to me, he only knows now because he heard a very frank discussion some years ago. I loved him dearly, but had no idea how to tell him without hurting him/letting him down/making him feel guilty - sound familiar to some of the sibling stories?

I ended up loving boarding school, so for me it worked out but that's not always the case...and I suspect it's very much the same for siblings of those with SEN. I know my dd was impacted by my ds's PTSD, she has taken positives from it but there was a huge amount of negative as well - some of which still impacts her now even though her brother's ptsd is very well controlled.

Having the freedom to speak candidly is essential because even if the situation can't change, releasing the pressure and being heard is good for the emotional well being of the child.

I think it's incredibly common in any scenario for children to suppress their worries and keep inner feelings to themselves if they think the parents can't do anything to change it, and knowledge will only hurt them. Even in situations where the child is wrong and the parent would prefer to know. What they don't say is often more telling than what they do.

That is discrimination to leave someone out due to a disability. It is understandble if they didn`t want her to come to a party where they beat eachother up.