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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AWBU - younger, disabled sibling not invited to family party

450 replies

FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 10:05

We've got 2 daughters, very close in age. My SIL has a DD of a similar age with a birthday coming up.

I got a message yesterday asking if DD1 was free to attend my DN's party. I replied that yes she was, and could we bring DD2 along with us, because otherwise only one of us could attend with DD1 and the other would have to stay at home with DD2. My SIL replied not to worry about that as we could leave DD1 at the party and 'have a break' (LOL).

The back story is that DD2 is profoundly disabled - physically and mentally. If she wasn't I'm pretty sure she'd get just be invited along like her older sister. After all they are all family. In my reply about bringing DD2 along I explicitly said not to worry about catering her or entertaining her (we worry about all that) but I'd have liked her to be welcome and to be present at the party.

When my DH found out about this exchange of messages he was raging and has messaged his sister this morning to say sorry, DD1 can no longer attend. I tend to agree with him if I'm honest.

The deed is done now but AWBU? DD2 is often overlooked even by family, her birthday forgotten, etc, and it does get to us both so maybe we're just being a bit precious about it. The irony is we've just moved across the country to get more support from family!

I feel like I'm too close to the situation to judge so I'm taking to Mumsnet to get some opinions. Please be gentle!

OP posts:
Gindingaling · 05/09/2017 12:11

The 'flippety' was especially eye watering.

Ok, Ive caught up with myself now. I can see Flippety is a poster and not a term used by someone. My apologies

brassbrass · 05/09/2017 12:11

If DD1 is the same age as DN, and no other siblings are invited, I don't see that they have done anything wrong

Jeez.

Because DD2 has the same status as DD1. They are BOTH cousins to DN. Why invite one cousin and not the other?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 12:13

Gind, you saw that 'flippety' was the poster's name, Flippetydip, and used in that context, didn't you?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 12:14

x-posted with you, Gind, sorry.

MissHavishamsleftdaffodil · 05/09/2017 12:16

Can't believe people are going to lengths to justify excluding a four year old! It's not the job of people with disabilities or their parents to hide them away to avoid the fact of their disadvantage inconveniencing people Angry 'Oh but it might be it wasn't suitable for her'.... well that's her and her parents' decision as it would be for any child, not something it's ok to pre judge and exclude on.

I can't think of any situation where any child in our wider family would not be welcome, (five of varying ages with varying disabilities) and in situations where what is happening might be alarming or challenging for them their parents have that covered and we adapt and support their parents accordingly. They're loved members of our family, not periphery or second class citizens. The two disabled adults (of which I'm one) don't get excluded either.

I'd be livid OP. Angry Flowers

Flippetydip · 05/09/2017 12:23

The 'flippety' was especially eye watering.

I do try Grin - apology unnecessary but accepted!

JigglyTuff · 05/09/2017 12:36

Disablism is alive and well on MN as ever Hmm

strongasmeringue · 05/09/2017 12:38

I've only read your OP and I feel like like crying for you and your DD2. When is her birthday? I won't forget it. I'll send something.

OnionKnight · 05/09/2017 12:38

Disablism is alive and well on MN as ever

Yup, I'm stunned that some posters are attempting to justify only inviting one cousin.

SnowBells · 05/09/2017 12:52

Disclosure: I haven't read the whole thread.

I was all with you OP when people assumed this was a family party.

Then this: ChicRock - it's a party with similar aged school friends to which an older cousin has been invited but the younger one not.

So it's not a family party after all? At least, it doesn't qualify for me as such... you know, uncles and aunts, cousins, grandparents. etc. OP - you said yourself, it would be understandable if DD1 was invited to a school friend's party but DD2 was not.

How come that when it's SIL, it's suddenly not?

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 05/09/2017 12:53

Disablism is alive and well on MN as ever...

And many more are not justifying inviting only one cousin.

Statements like that really irritate me. Why is there always this focus on disablism that many posters are not guilty of? Why post a blanket statement like a raincloud instead of taking it up with the specific posters you think are doing this? What use is making a statement like that?

grecian100 · 05/09/2017 12:58

Is it possible that they don't want either you or your husband there (a drop and run) and are just using the "have a break" as an excuse?

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 13:02

Snowbells - because, as others have said, both my girls have the same status with DN/SIL and are very close in age.
If it was DD1's school friends, then they wouldn't KNOW DD2 (different years, different schools) so I wouldn't expect an invite for her.

I'm not sure how much clearer I can be about that. It makes perfect sense to me.

OP posts:
Urubu · 05/09/2017 13:04

What are the ages OP?
Are DD1 and DN the same age and DD2 is younger?

Squashit · 05/09/2017 13:04

This is very difficult and I can see it from different sides.

Sometimes inclusion isn't in the best interests of a disabled person. I have a (now adult )child with autism and my feelings are mixed. My other children's childhood experiences were very much compromised in trying for inclusion when actually, on reflection,that was about my need, not my child's. However, I largely followed the inclusion script and I have to say I question it everyday.

A lot of the social occasions I did attend proved stressful for my disabled child, for my other children and for my husband and I. Nobody gained anything from it and it impacted on other people too.

I do think that siblings of disabled children invariably get less time from their parents, their experience is unlike their peers and they often feel isolated as a consequence. They need one-to-one time because they are equally as important yet can feel anything but.

It is important to consider the level of disability and if others might find some behaviours distressing/alarming. Careful consideration of the needs of all need to be weighed up before a decision is arrived at.

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 13:07

Grecian - it's definitely not about us.

To be clear, it's not a family party in the sense that it's ONLY family. The birthday girl is having her schoolfriends over (all unknown to both my DDs), and there will be extended family there - grandparents etc. It's a party organised by family to which family are invited but also some friends, but it was too long to write this in the subject title...

Once again, there is no difference in the status of my two girls with their cousin - they don't even know her that well as we've lived at the other end of the country til recently - yet the oldest has been invited and not the youngest.

OP posts:
Poseyrose11 · 05/09/2017 13:10

My brother is disabled (he has cerebral palsy as well as several other issues). When he was younger he was treated exactly the same as the rest of us were, even if it was a birthday party he couldn't 'join in' he was invited and was happy to come. He would never have been able to keep up with kids his own age but that doesn't mean he shouldn't get a chance at the same experiences surely?

I also read a comment earlier about children resenting their disabled siblings. I don't think that's a fair comment, I am so so so happy my brother is in my life. We are all so proud of everything he has achieved and he has changed all our lives for the better. As a previous poster said I know at that age I would not have wanted to go to a family party where he was not welcomed- and I wouldn't have felt like I was missing out either!

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 13:12

Urubu - DN and DD1 are 5, DD2 is 4

Squashit - we include where it's relevant and not where it isn't. This is an occasion when I feel she should have been included. They're not attending Go Ape, it's a tea party. My DD1 gets lots of one-on-one time, indeed I'm very conscious of this and of her feeling equally as important. I get it I really do. My (nuclear) family is regularly split down the middle so DD1 gets to have time alone doing the things that her friends do like going to the cinema or bowling - I see no reason why she should miss out just because her sister is disabled and can't do that. If it's swimming they both go. If we felt it would be stressful for anyone we wouldn't push it and would say "thanks for the invite but we feel it's best if DD2 doesn't attend, however we will make sure DD1 gets there", but that's our choice to make as parents rather than other people make it for us. Thanks for the advice though.

OP posts:
Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 13:14

All - thank you for your lovely and thoughtful comments/advice

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 05/09/2017 13:14

It is very mean of them op, as you said, if your dd did not have a disability, she would be invited. This is so sneaky, done in the guise of 'giving you a break'. I am glad your dh read them the riot act, this is not nice at all. Good on you for sticking by your principles. This has been done as they are embarrassed and ashamed of her. So what if dd is missing out, its not nice when your little sister is not invited as she has a disability. Have a nice day out instead, or do something nice and stuff the lot of them.

Squashit · 05/09/2017 13:23

You are welcome 🙂- just some thoughts from experience.

Reading your last post I had another idea in depersonalisating this. Maybe they are simply just at full capacity and cannot manage another child plus parent due to space/economics etc?

I think holding a tea at yours and inviting everyone to attend might be a way forward if this is about anxiety about the behaviours of a disabled
child because ,as you said ,they don't know you very well.

I think it is good to keep in mind that all situations are about perception. Sometimes how we frame people's behaviour is more us then them. Hope it is all sorted out amicably.

5foot5 · 05/09/2017 13:37

YANBU that sounds very sad for your DD2.

Just one thought though. How big is their house, how many people are going and could space be an issue? If most parents are just dropping off then it will be just a few adult helpers and the children. Maybe she thought that your DD1 would fit in easily but two additional adults (you and DH) plus two DDs plus whatever equipment you need to take to support your DD2 would make the house very over-crowded and potentially limit any party games that they had planned to play after the tea party.

Course it might not be any of the above but I was just seeing if there were any less base motives for not inviting you DD

TuckingFaxman · 05/09/2017 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

livefornaps · 05/09/2017 13:41

Oh come on @squashit - this is nothing to do with being at "full capacity"!!!

If they were, then why would extended family be invited at all?

This is to do with trying to pretend a child with a disability does not exist.

@aerofotgirl has it, and I too am very glad your dh has read his sister the riot act. Would not even the grandparents question where dd2 was if dd1 was not there?

Original poster
FranceIsBacon · 05/09/2017 13:42

5foot5 - I wish... it's a massive detached house, just her and her DD live there. I don't know how many are invited but based on her 'core' group of friends I think there'll be 3 or 4 other girls. If it's anything like my own September-born child then it's difficult to make up numbers when the schools are only just back... Total guesswork though but pretty sure space won't be an issue. DD2 is immobile and would just sit in the chair in her Firefly seat, or on the floor.

OP posts: