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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had started having sex (consensual) at a very young age, how do you feel about it now?

213 replies

BaDumShh · 03/09/2017 20:06

This is something I've thought about a few times, and the idea for this thread has just been inspired by another thread from a mner who was horrified to hear her 12 year old DD's friends talking about having sex.

Me and my friends didn't start having sex until the ages of around 16-18, but I remember there were quite a few kids in my school who were very open about the fact that they were having sex from year 7/8, so around 12-13 years old.

I've always wondered how those people feel about that now they are in adulthood. Do they regret having sex so young? Did they even enjoy it or want to do it? Or did they feel they had to in order to be popular?

So, anyone on here who was willingly having sex, say, under the age of 15...how do you feel about it now?

OP posts:
Pizzalove · 04/09/2017 13:03

I first had sex when I was 14, but I married as a teen. Dh was also a teen when we wed. No regrets.

WinnieTheMe · 04/09/2017 13:03

I think teen sex can be coercive and abusive, absolutely. I just don't agree that all underage sex is and I think criminalizing all teen sex, and thus shutting down teens' ability to get access to decent birth control or talk honestly about desire, consent, relationships, porn etc is a really bad thing.

My school pushed a very heavy abstainence only line at my school. It absolutely didn't stop us having sex. It just increased the risk as we didn't really have any advice which gave us the tools to navigate between the healthier relationships and ppotential predators.

Pizzalove · 04/09/2017 13:05

Of course it's not always rape Hmm

EllenJanethickerknickers · 04/09/2017 13:06

Isn't the difference the relative ages? Two 15 yo who have what they both believe to be consensual sex us very different to a groomed 12 yo with a 19 yo.

Pizzalove · 04/09/2017 13:09

I am just at ease with sex. I started orgasming regularly through sex at 16. It all depends on your confidence levels and lavk of inhibitions in the bedroom

BeyondLimitsAndWhatever · 04/09/2017 13:13

I was 14 and he was slightly younger. We were in a relationship, were following hormones rather than peer pressure, and took precautions (doubly so - I was on the pill and we used condoms).

I don't regret it and would rather my DSs have sex young in similar circumstances than older and feeling pressured.

flowersonthepiano · 04/09/2017 13:33

I was 12 and it was with a random bloke on a motorbike who stopped (with his friend) also on a motorbike to talk to my friend and I who were walking down a busy road. We went into a nearby woods and dtd. I actually told him I was 16 - because he asked. I did look older than I was. The sex itself was rather unremarkable. Uncomfortable but not painful. But the whole thing has messed with my head ever since. I still don't know whether I should feel that I was wronged. I lied and was promiscuous from then onwards. But I was a child. I only have boys (and a good, monogamous sex life with DH) now. I absolutely would not be happy for any child of mine to be having sex so early. Sex was taboo in my family growing up, so as previous posters pointed out, I worked it out the hard way. I do think when it is two teenagers of a similar age it is very different.

WineAndTiramisu · 04/09/2017 13:34

Cailleach666 and ShatnersWig
Looking back, I suppose it was, but I have no feelings of trauma etc from it really, I know now it was wrong on so many levels, but I don't feel I was 'raped' if that makes sense? Seems to minimise what other people who have been raped have gone through.

SemiNormal · 04/09/2017 13:41

I agree with several posters RE rape.

As I said, I was 13, he was 21 ... I accept that means I couldn't 'consent' in the eyes of the law but I knew full well what I was doing. I took advantage of the fact he had a flat, a place for me to escape to, he took advantage of me. I feel we both got something we wanted/needed from it. I absolutely do not feel comfortable with people telling me I was raped - maybe in time I'll feel differently but to bark at people that they were raped when maybe they are not ready to deal with their experiences in that way is horrible IMO.

ElChan03 · 04/09/2017 13:43

My friend lost her virginity at 13. At the time, 13 myself I didn't know how to support her as I think it caused her some forms of trauma from the pressure from the boyfriend. I lost mine at 15 because I wanted to, however I wasn't emotionally ready and because rather fixated on having as much sex as I could.
I did the sex talk with Dsd a few months ago and stressed it was only legal after 16 and that you need to be in love with each other before it can work. I did also talk about how it was ok to say no and the dangers of drinking and not being able to stay safe or say no if she isn't happy about it.

I'm very open and honest about the facts of life, puberty and growing up and feelings so I'm glad she can come to me to talk about these things even though I'm a SP not DM.

Bluelonerose · 04/09/2017 13:49

I think there's a big difference between a 15 and 16 year old having sex and a 12 year old and a 20 year old adult having sex.
It's quite upsetting to read how people look back and realised they were groomed yet at the time they thought it was consensual.

Original poster
BaDumShh · 04/09/2017 13:56

I think there's a big difference between a 15 and 16 year old having sex and a 12 year old and a 20 year old adult having sex.

This. 100%.

This is what I was struggling to understand - how people who were little more than children themselves (whichever way you look at it, 12 is a child) feel about having sex at that age now. 2 15 year olds in a relationship is very different to a 12 year old and an adult.

OP posts:
MrsJoyOdell · 04/09/2017 14:03

I was 16, nearly 17 and my boyfriend was 24. I was always very mature for my age though and I don't regret it at all. Of all my boyfriends from my teen years he was probably the one who was 'best' to have lost it to tbh. It was very consenual, if anything I pushed him as he was unsure Grin He was the perfect gentleman.
I'd been sexually assaulted by a classmate at school previously and felt disgusting, like nobody would ever want me as I was fat/ugly etc and only good for a feel up. Nice. ExBF made me feel attractive (I was!!) and cared for. My mother hated him due to his age but he was, and is, a good guy.

The age gap now wouldn't even be blinked at, but I can see how my DM felt and why. It made her a bit mental though and in trying so desperately to pull me away she pushed me away from her almost irreparably.

This ex is the only one I'm still in contact with/friends with, apart from my eldest son's father and DS is the only reason for that!

My DH is quite a bit older than me too, lads my age were just immature and boring to me.

WinterIsComingKnitFaster · 04/09/2017 14:08

Haven't read the whole thread, but I wonder whether whether the current generation of teens are as vulnerable/naive as before about coerced sex between very young girls and older men?

Most of the people on this thread (or referred to) who had sex with dubious older men seem to have been vulnerable in some way.

Do we think that Operation Yewtree et al means that teens are more primed to say "OMG that bus driver is a disgusting paedo!" rather than "wow she's got an older boyfriend, that's so cool!"? or are those scum still preying on vulnerable girls so starved of affection that they blind themselves to the situation? I'd like to hope that things have improved a little.

Fantasticmissfoxy · 04/09/2017 14:22

I was 15 and in a relationship with someone I loved very much - no regrets at all. Had a friend who was 12 who had sex with another 12 year old who she was friends with, as far as she has said she doesn't regret it as has had very good, healthy adult relationships and is a great mum. She is also one of the most self assured and calm people I know, so I definitely don't think she's been 'damaged' in any way. She does say she would loose it if her kids had sex at age 12 though!

LittleBooInABox · 04/09/2017 14:25

I did the dead at 15 and I don't regret it. I'm still friends with the ex whom it was with. We were in "love" or what we thought was love at that age. But it was a positive experience.

PrimalLass · 04/09/2017 14:31
  1. Don't regret it at all. We were together for years and learned everything together in a safe, happy relationship.
peeekabobaby · 04/09/2017 14:31

I lost mine a 14 to a 21 yr old, at the time I wanted to do it, but looking back and after having children it makes me feel a bit sick if I'm honest, I told him I wasn't a virgin so when I wasn't automatically jumping into bed with him I'd get the whole "Oh you'll do it with someone else but not with me" I did feel slightly pressured.

Xmasbaby11 · 04/09/2017 14:38

I was 22 so quite late. Most of my friends were around 16. I would have done it earlier if I'd had the chance but I didn't get much male attention. By 16 to 18 I felt ready but I never had a boyfriend.

FaithHopeCharityDesperation · 04/09/2017 14:46

I first had sex at 15, with a 19 yr old, but my first 'proper' sexual relationship was a few months later with a boy in my year at school.

The losing of virginity was more of a getting it out of the way thing - I have no feelings one way or another about the person I lost my virginity to - other than that he must have been a bit of a creep to have sex with a 14 yr old, but I remember nothing else about him at all (name, face etc).

My first proper bf however from just a couple of months later, I remember everything about & we were madly in love (for 6 months until I dumped him..!).

MrsJoyOdell · 04/09/2017 14:46

Cailleach666

So if both parties are 13, and 'consent' (in the sense that both are in agreement to having sex), is the male 13 year old involved automatically a rapist?

Bit harsh to brand children with that label isn't it?

(Note, this does not refer to adults having sex with children which absolutely clearly is rape in every circumstance).

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 14:58

I find the idea of a 12 or 13 year old having sex very wrong and disturbing and unless their sex partner is also 12 or 13 I find it very wrong.
a 14 year old and 17 isn't morally wrong in my mind if consensual.
but I don't think a 13 year old or under with someone older can ever truly consent. It's one thing being horny and masturbating and then actually having sex. way too early.

AppleBosom · 04/09/2017 15:00

I would also wonder what kind of images they have been exposed to to know what to do?!

brasty · 04/09/2017 15:02

I knew at 8 how to have sex. I had never seen porn, but had had sex education. I would expect any 12 year old to understand the basics of sex.

PoppyH56 · 04/09/2017 15:05

I was 15 with a 16 year old boyfriend at the time who I was with for about a year. At the time I didn't regret it, however as I have gotten older and am now on the cusp of being a mother myself I would say I was too young and wish I had waited until 17/18. I met my OH then and knew much more about the world and myself. There was so much pressure on myself and my friends at 15 to look good, do and say the right things, as well as fit in with the crowd and unfortunately all my friends were having their first lot of sex at 15 so I thought I should too. Since I've grown up I've seen how it's gotten even worse with social media and so many young girls looking older than what they are so I wouldn't be surprised if that age has dramatically reduced to 12/13 (which really really scares me for the world I'm bringing my child into 😱)

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