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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had started having sex (consensual) at a very young age, how do you feel about it now?

213 replies

BaDumShh · 03/09/2017 20:06

This is something I've thought about a few times, and the idea for this thread has just been inspired by another thread from a mner who was horrified to hear her 12 year old DD's friends talking about having sex.

Me and my friends didn't start having sex until the ages of around 16-18, but I remember there were quite a few kids in my school who were very open about the fact that they were having sex from year 7/8, so around 12-13 years old.

I've always wondered how those people feel about that now they are in adulthood. Do they regret having sex so young? Did they even enjoy it or want to do it? Or did they feel they had to in order to be popular?

So, anyone on here who was willingly having sex, say, under the age of 15...how do you feel about it now?

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 03/09/2017 20:38

No regrets here. I was 15, long term boyfriend was 16.

KanielOutis · 03/09/2017 20:39

I was 13 and can say this because it's anonymous. My mum left when I was a baby and my dad didn't really want to know. My sister has mental health issues, one brother is autistic and the other was being expelled from school. There were more problems to be dealt with at home than me. I wanted to feel loved, and sleeping with my boyfriend made me feel loved. Looking back now I feel sad for younger me, but I don't regret it. Regrets don't change anything. I look forward in life not back.

brasty · 03/09/2017 20:40

Anyone I know who had sex young who does not regret it, were with a boyfriend about the same age.
I was 15 and was with a boyfriend who was the same age. We planned to get married, we would have eventually divorced if we had. I have had sex with very few men.

Laiste · 03/09/2017 20:40

I had sex at 14 with 17 year old BF. My parents were total prudes and had no idea. I couldn't talk to my mum.

We were both curious and sort of went for it. He was not experienced and i was bored by it tbh - to me it seemed to drag on for ages. Half way through i remember realising i hadn't done my maths homework and was trying to think of an excuse! ShockBlush

It bore no relation to any sexual experience i had in the future. It really was just experimenting.

I have 4 daughters. Three of them are well over 14 already. I told them as they matured that they must live their life but be very careful stay safe and use protection ect. I was very honest with them. I said always come to me if they needed me. Hence i got every bloomin gory detail once they did get going Hmm A compliment i guess, but not all of it was stuff i wanted to know! None of them were active till they were 17 ish.

mumpus · 03/09/2017 20:41

I had sex aged 14 with an older boyfriend. I wasn't pressured into it and we were in a relationship. It wasn't about feeling popular as I didn't tell many people about it. I feel fine about it now (am in my 30s) as I was emotionally mature enough for it and sexually it was right for me, i.e. I wasn't just meeting my boyfriend's needs but also my own.

HighwayDragon1 · 03/09/2017 20:42

Would I be ok with DD doing it? No. Because most underage sex is not totally consensual, there is generally coercion or pressure and I don't want that for DD.

For context I coerced my then bf into it, I was fairly horrible actually, I wanted it and I didn't really care whether he actually wanted to or not. I told him I loved him to get him to sleep with me, then broke that poor lads heart, I'm not proud of it and would be appalled if DD ever behaved like that.

Bluelonerose · 03/09/2017 20:42

I was 12 and didn't have a clue what I was doing. I didn't have any friends at school and met an much older man. At the time I thought it was true love. I don't have any ill feelings per say but in hindsight I think if I had friends and had confidence I wouldn't of done it.
2 of my kids are teens and it does make me worry more but I've always been open and honest with them so hopefully they'll make the right choice.

chosenone · 03/09/2017 20:43

From my pretty late friendship group most of us had lost our virginity by the end of year 10, aged 14. I was honestly very eager, I'd been masturbating since aged 11 and once I had a boyfriend I really liked I was very keen. We waited a couple of months and I actually dumped him after. No regrets just glad it was in a relationship and not a missed up bunk up. My friends feel the same, no regrets

TakeAnadin · 03/09/2017 20:43

Quite a lot of girls at my school were frighteningly having sex very early. One girl even had sexy lingerie bought her by her parents which is really a bit weird when you are so young.- the fact she looked about 24 was odd too. There wa s loads of sex talk and boasting and also quite a lot of very real pain ... I remember one girl showing us 'love bites' which were NOT love bites but very savage human bites all over her breasts. I remember recoiling with shock and I could see in here eyes the real pain despite the bravado. Sad memory. The man was about 25...
Quite a few girls ended up pregnant ....
Where girls were having sex young; the man was MUCH older.

user1497199406 · 03/09/2017 20:43

17 going on 18 here, still with him ten years later and no regrets. Lots of friends were 14-15 and regret it massively now. I also had a lovely, relaxed and pain free first time while some of my friends who were younger have horror stories about pain and bleeding, perhaps a sign of the body not being ready? 14 is a child...

Hassled · 03/09/2017 20:45

I was 15, so not worryingly young and have no regrets - he was a nice guy, we'd been seeing each other for a while before and carried on seeing each other into Sixth Form. We're still in occasional contact many decades later.

Mummaofboys · 03/09/2017 20:46

I was 14 and I've only ever slept with two people, my first love 14 until I was 18 and then my husband at 19 until present day, I don't regret it at all, I was in a loving trusting relationship and knew what I wanted. I wasn't a 'slut' and I certainly didn't put it about, my first love was 16 when I was 14 and my husband is 5years older than me.

Cupcakesandlove · 03/09/2017 20:47

I was 15 5 days off being 16, and we are still together now.

Stormwhale · 03/09/2017 20:47

I was 14. It was consensual, but looking back i definitely regret it. I thought we were losing our virginity together, but actually he had shagged a girl from Manchester a few weeks before behind my back.

Certain things from that relationship have fucked me right up to be honest. He was very selfish and put a lot of pressure on me to orgasm quickly to just get it done really so he could have his. Still to this day I struggle to relax as I feel it's not happening quick enough. He put a lot of pressure on me to try things that I didn't want to do, and acted as though I was just there to please him really. This has had serious long term effects.

Through adult eyes I can see that he was a complete dick, but 14 year old me just felt lucky to have a boyfriend.

I wish my mum had had more of a conversation about consent and a respectful sexual relationship. Instead she told me I should wait for marriage, which wasn't exactly realistic.

RoseLight · 03/09/2017 20:47

I had sex at 14, I was almost 15 and boyfriend was just turned 16. I don't regret it, it was fine and we had talked it through beforehand. Safe sex, candles and music vom Grin But we felt very in love for years afterwards.

We moved in together at 18, had two children young but stayed together until I was about 23. We are on great terms co-parenting our children.

I started seeing my now husband about 18 months after that. I've only slept with two men.

C4Envelope · 03/09/2017 20:49

13 to a 16yo. Been together a year when I was dumped and heard through the grapevine he had a new girlfriend who was older than I. He then came back begging to be back with me. Pressure to have sex was pretty much from the second I took him back. 13 years old I thought I was pretty mature, but looking back I was manipulated. It hasn't impacted negatively on my life, but I could certainly have done without it. I am a very self conscious individual. The only man who has given me an orgasm is my DH. And that was after 3years of being together. This is due to faking it, as part of our (me and first loves) sexual relationship he would expect this sort of behaviour. I am assuming this is because he was encountering porn at the same time he was encountering sex for the first time. Very screwed version of reality for both of us I think.

elevenswan · 03/09/2017 20:50

I was 14 and have no regrets. Wasn't pushed into it, he was a sweet guy and my boyfriend.

I was very mature about it and went to the clinic to discuss methods for contraception and discussed it with my boyfriend lots so we could be sure we were both ready. Didn't bleed, wasn't traumatised, was a good experience.

I think you can be 14 and be totally ready or you can be 21 and not ready at all. It depends on the person.

ClashCityRocker · 03/09/2017 20:51

14 for me with a lad in my year. No regrets, but it did feel like something to get over and done with, rather than something special.

Tbh I had much more disastrous and damaging encounters at 16+ with much older men.

InfiniteSheldon · 03/09/2017 20:54

I was 14 it was fun definitely no regrets I was very active very young then stopped and have taken it much slower as I got older.

TheZeppo · 03/09/2017 20:55

I wasn't a 'slut' and I certainly didn't put it about sounds very judgemental Mumma. Having 1 partner or a 100 makes no difference.

Inthetropics · 03/09/2017 20:55

I was 14 and had sex with a cousin! I had been feeling atraction towards girls a few months before and was very scared at this, so i guess i had sex in an atempt to be straight. At that time i thought being a lesbian meant i wouldn't be able to get married and have a family and i wanted all those things.

The sex was bad, i just felt friction, no pleasure whatsoever! The condomn broke and i had to tell my mom and she got me a doctor appointment with a doctor who prescribed me the morning after pill. A few months after this i had my first date wirh a girl and sudenly everything made sense. I was 15 when i had sex with a girl for the first time and it was great! My mom was the first person who told me if i was a lesbian it didn't mean i couldn't have a family and kids. Love her so much!

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 03/09/2017 20:55

I didn't start having PIV sex until I was 16 with my boyfriend who I'd been with for a while. We had been sexually active for a few months though - since I was 15. We only had sex a couple of times and I did enjoy it, I did love him and he was considerate. Objectively a good experience but tbh I had started to go off him by the time we had sex; I think I kind of felt I "had to" because I'd said I wanted to wait until I was 16.

I found that once I'd had a sexual relationship other relationships progressed much more quickly. I kind of missed the snogging and fumbling of that first relationship and was never sure if it was because I'd had sex and was leading things or because I was older and therefore dating older teenagers by then.

verystressedmum · 03/09/2017 20:56

I was 14 bf was 16 I have no regrets. I don't give it much thought.

Glumglowworm · 03/09/2017 20:57

I had a friend who had sex when she was 12 and boyfriend was 13. They had a very intense relationship outside of sex and spent most of their time together including sleepovers (parents weren't aware of the sex afaik). They were together through their teens then split up when they were leaving school to go to do separate things. I don't think she regrets it, they're still friendly aquaintances now, although wouldn't advocate such a young age for her own children. I will say I've never ever known her to be single! She's always jumped straight out of one relationship into the next, sometimes overlapping. Don't know if that's related though!

I was 21 (almost 22). It didn't hurt and I was with someone I liked and I'm still vaguely friendly with ten years later. Most of my friends (apart from the one mentioned above) were 18/19/20 and same as me, were in semi-long term relationships with nice guys, they don't regret it.

I volunteer with pre-teens and teenagers now and I definitely think the older they are the better. They think they're so grown up but they're still children. 12 years old is SO young, even if their bodies are mature their brains really aren't.

BubbleAnimal · 03/09/2017 20:58

I was 14, shortly before I turned 15.

I don't regret it per se, though the circumstances weren't ideal. Looking back 20 years later I did it because I thought it was a way to keep him. Which is completely wrong.

Do I regret being young? Yes. So I wish now I had been less hasty with sex full stop in my teens? Yes. Three month relationships at a time, all full of sex. I was, looking back, very emotionally difficult, and I know why.

I would discourage any child from having sex. I would encourage anyone to wait longer than I did. But I was by no means the first of my friends - with some falling pregnant at 14, 15....