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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask, if you had started having sex (consensual) at a very young age, how do you feel about it now?

213 replies

BaDumShh · 03/09/2017 20:06

This is something I've thought about a few times, and the idea for this thread has just been inspired by another thread from a mner who was horrified to hear her 12 year old DD's friends talking about having sex.

Me and my friends didn't start having sex until the ages of around 16-18, but I remember there were quite a few kids in my school who were very open about the fact that they were having sex from year 7/8, so around 12-13 years old.

I've always wondered how those people feel about that now they are in adulthood. Do they regret having sex so young? Did they even enjoy it or want to do it? Or did they feel they had to in order to be popular?

So, anyone on here who was willingly having sex, say, under the age of 15...how do you feel about it now?

OP posts:
DrHorribletookmycherry · 04/09/2017 09:06

These make horrific reading. So many children being manipulated and raped. Also a lot of parents seem even more neglectful than mine were (and they were in court over it).
I am really grateful to have been taken in by a foster family, despite being a teen, who would talk to me and help me make good decisions for myself.

SleepFreeZone · 04/09/2017 09:08

The was 16 and it was a disaster. Tried again when I was 17 and he broke my heart. Then didnt have another relationship till i was 28 😳!

Mellington · 04/09/2017 11:57

I feel that I had huge issues around love and abandonment causes by my mothers PND that took me an awfully long time to work out and to stop craving love and affection from unsuitable sources, combined with a bit of bullying over my physical appearance it left me very fucked up for a long time, it's only since having children I've started working through my issues. Even the relationship prior to DH I felt at fault but realise that his sexual behaviour was very unsavoury.

GirlInTheDirtyShirt · 04/09/2017 11:59

I was very young (13). It was consensual, with a man of 19, but having seen all the things about grooming lately I realise that's what it was. I try not to think about it. It was quite normal within my social circle.

RedRoseGirl · 04/09/2017 12:03

I was 14 , all of my friends were a similar age and my boyfriend was the same age as me.

From 15 I always went out with guys at least 3 years older than me through choice and ended up married to someone almost 10 years older than me so have always been drawn to older guys even from being 14 and actively pursing them but I do remember lieing to their parents I was 17 more than once.

So long as its consensual and no pressure or too drunk etc then each to their own.

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 12:06

girlinadirtyshirt.

No it was not consensual.

You were raped.

WineAndTiramisu · 04/09/2017 12:10

I was just 14, with a man who was 27, at the time it seemed consensual, but looking back, he groomed me from the age of 11.
I don't regret it as such, but wouldn't be my choice for my children!

Flumplet · 04/09/2017 12:11

I was 14 and with a fairly long term boyfriend. We were the same age and together until we were 19. His parents were fairly liberal and so there wasn't much sneaking around after we turned 15. We took precautions and I don't really regret my decision.

GirlInTheDirtyShirt · 04/09/2017 12:14

Cailleach666 yes, that's rather the conclusion I've come to, two decades later. Makes for some uncomfortable thinking, really.

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 12:15

I was just 14, with a man who was 27, at the time it seemed consensual,

I am sorry but you were raped.

WinnieTheMe · 04/09/2017 12:20

Cailleach666 - do you not feel it a bit...I don't know...inappropriate to tell people they were raped if they feel they weren't. Surely only they can say if they were or not.

keyboardjellyfish · 04/09/2017 12:20

I lost my virginity aged 13 to a 15 year old. At the time I was fine with it. I don't think about it very much and it definetely didn't traumatise me but I do regret it.

BoredOnMatLeave · 04/09/2017 12:22

I was 14, I can't remember how long we were together but we only lasted a year and we'd been doing it for a while before the split so it must have been quite early. I don't regret it though. He was and still is a very kind person and he made me feel very loved. I did enjoy it at the time (it would be shit now!) I think I was one of the first in my friendship group so wasn't a popularity thing.

A PP said about what we would think about our daughters doing it at that age. I honestly don't know! Part of me thinks as long as she wants to and is safe it's fine but I think when DD is that age I will feel very differently.

Interestingly I have a much younger brother who is 15 and is so immature I would think it inappropriate for him to be having sex. He still acts like a child.. Maybe I did back then. Who knows.

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 12:23

WinnieTheMe it doesn't matter how they feel. A child cannot consent to sex.

chchchchchangess · 04/09/2017 12:24

I was 15 and it was to my cousin, who was also 15. A cousin I barely knew, tbf - one side of my family live in another country 1,000s of miles away so I'm not that close to a lot of them. He kind of coerced me into it, I realised afterwards, and I regretted it immediately. I'm pretty sure it wasn't his first time - people over there start pretty young, from what I can tell. Add to the mix that I was a Christian at the time and fully intending to save myself for my husband. To top it off, I wrote him a letter when I was back home, and my dad found it and read it and called me a whore. So that was nice.

After that, I was very promiscuous throughout my teens and 20s apart from a 7-year relationship with stbxh. I had a bit of a shitty childhood, tbf, alcoholic dad, DV in the home, absent mum working 3 jobs, so I think I used sex to feel wanted/loved? I dunno.

justkeepswimmingg · 04/09/2017 12:25

I had not long turned 15, when I first had sex. Boyfriend was the same age, and we'd been together for 5 months. We both knew nothing about it, and although I didn't get any pleasure from it, I enjoyed it (after the initial first time). We broke up about 3 months later, and had had sex about 4 times. I then met my DH aged 16, and hadn't slept with anyone else in between that time (so I've only slept with 2 people in my life). I don't regret it at all.

chchchchchangess · 04/09/2017 12:27

Oh, and it was shit and uncomfortable, and I felt sore and weird afterwards. I didn't have 'good' sex til many many years later, and the only person to ever make me orgasm is now-DH. I don't think anybody cared enough before him to try.

I regret a lot of it, I must say.

minionsrule · 04/09/2017 12:33

I was 13 too with same age bf, been together 6 months and we were in lurrrrve. It was ok, no fireworks but it was ok. Second boy when i was 15, known as top boy in school and for shagging around and couldn't believe he wanted me. That one was nit nice, he was much 'bigger' and boy it was painful. When he realisedi had no clue about bj's he dumped me and told everyone about it

minionsrule · 04/09/2017 12:34

Posted too soon. First bf great and no regrets, second one big mistake but bever made that mustake again

WinnieTheMe · 04/09/2017 12:40

Cailleach666 - so my happy and healthy teenage romance with a lovely boy I'm still friends with which left me with nothing but good memories and warm fuzzy feelings was rape?

Don't you think that kind of undermines the whole word? Wouldn't it be pretty insulting to actual rape victims for me to say "yeah, I was raped. It was great fun. Loved every minute"?

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 12:45

Don't you think that kind of undermines the whole word?

No it doesn't

Not calling it rape is even more dangerous- how can a child having sex be in any way a good idea?

NotBadConsidering · 04/09/2017 12:54

Cailleach666 while I agree with girls aged 12 and consent etc, I'm interested in how your view can be so rigid based on this thread. Doesn't it make you think things aren't so black and white (in real life, not what the letter of the law says)?

ShatnersWig · 04/09/2017 12:57

A 27 year old man and a 14 year old girl where he'd clearly groomed her since the age of 11 Wine is rape and child abuse in my book.

Knottyash5 · 04/09/2017 12:58

I was a few days off my 20th birthday and it was absolutely with the right person, too.

Like the poster above, I was still playing with dolls at 12 and didn't even have my first proper kiss until I was 16.

My nearly 15 year old ds spends all his time on the xbox, long may it continue (well at least until he's 16 anyway, and I hope his girlfriends are at least 16).

Cailleach666 · 04/09/2017 12:59

As the parent of teenagers I do understand the issues.

Nothing can convince me that sex at 13 is anything but rape and abuse.