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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:
topcat2014 · 31/08/2017 18:28

Well, there is your answer - the equivalent (max) of the time you would take as breaks in the working day.

Mumof41987 · 31/08/2017 18:28

Why can't you carry toddler in ? Sorry but I think YABU . He is working and if he had a job in an office he would not be at home to do those little tasks

mickeysminnie · 31/08/2017 18:29

Tell him working from home isn't working!

MirandaWest · 31/08/2017 18:29

I work from home full time. The amount of house work I can do varies from day to day. I have a 30 min lunch break and will load/unload washing machine and get me lunch. If it were raining I would get washing in but tbh that's about all I can manage during work hours.

rjay123 · 31/08/2017 18:29

I work from home. It depends on the job and what my diary looks like. Some days I don't have five minutes to take a piss. If people aren't always available when working from home, it looks bad to office based colleagues.

I'd cut him some slack - he is working, not lounging.

topcat2014 · 31/08/2017 18:29

Mind you, my lunch break is a 'break' from work, so wouldn't want to spend the whole time trying to do some specified task.

Perhaps half of the time?

JigglyTuff · 31/08/2017 18:32

He's a twat but you know that, right? You caught him out not actually working and then came home early. He's cross because you busted him.

He absolutely should have time to bring the laundry in etc.

And if he's making enough 'working from home' to be equivalent to a FT job, then he needs an office. You can't work from home with children in the same room!

Sisinisawa · 31/08/2017 18:33

The main issue here is that when he had time to do something he prioritised himself over the family (getting the washing in).

He is unreasonable.

TiredMumToTwo · 31/08/2017 18:35

I work from home three days a week, I do all the washing, sorting and putting away in my breaks - whether that's five minutes between calls or walking the dogs at lunchtime. If you were in the office, you'd have five mins to go to the loo or grab a coffee so can't see why he couldn't get the washing in - 5 minute job.

HattiesBackpack · 31/08/2017 18:35

Honestly- overall YANBU, he is working and it's not fair to expect him to be doing chores during work time.

Side note though- he shouldn't be working in shared family
space.

Original poster
Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:37

I could carry toddler in but he would almost certainly wake (not sure why but total mummy's boy!). We always do this when my DH and I are out and he naps because he is a nightmare from 4pm onwards without a nap! Also, this would take 2mins and had been agreed before I left.
I could have carried him in. I would have taken in laundry before I left. I did neither because I assumed both tasks are so minimal/helpful that it would not be a big deal. Apparently they were a big deal and I feel I've been literally shouted at for requesting a very small amount of support.
My question is therefore, what is acceptable? Can he put a washing load on? Walk the dog at lunchtime? Do some ironing? Perhaps a few little jobs for the household that I would have to do if i normally went to work today but would generally do when I got home from work. It probably would not have been such a big deal had I not caught him 'at play' literally 30mins after we'd left the house!

OP posts:
MFR3 · 31/08/2017 18:37

If he is working from home that has 2 toddlers he should not be working in the living room

He sounds like a plonker but he is right what would you do if he went out to work every day

bkg3000 · 31/08/2017 18:38

From my own experience I would say this is probably a reaction to stress your dh is getting from work. Please don't take it personally. I'm sure he helps when he can. Try not to go in all guns blazing. First find out his point of view.

DrHorribletookmycherry · 31/08/2017 18:38

Shirking from home. As for what would you do if you were on your own. It's a bloody pointless ask. You're not. You're a team putting himself out for a few mins is expected. He expected you to sort the kids knowing he'll be shirking from home for hours of course he should get in a piffling load of laundry the lazy git. He only shouted as he was trying to grind you fown as he was in tbe wrong. He's a dick.

Iggi999 · 31/08/2017 18:38

You just can't work from home in the main living space with small children about. As for not acknowledging them, well they're getting the message early that men are more important than women. I suspect in an actual office he would find time to acknowledge a co-worker who said bye to him.

JigglyTuff · 31/08/2017 18:40

Any parent that shouts so loudly that they wake their sleeping children is an utter twat.

What kind of 'work' is he doing that is so stressful that he's watching telly the moment you leave the house I wonder? Hmm

RedSkyAtNight · 31/08/2017 18:40

DH worked at home for years. I never "expected" anything but if he did have the odd 5 minutes he would do things like put a load of washing on or run the hoover round. The trouble with your tasks is that you needed them doing them at a specific time - and that might well have been when he was in the middle of something/on the phone etc.

He's right that if he wasn't there you would have to manage. Personally I wouldn't expect anything but regard it as a bonus if he can help.

lifeinthecountry · 31/08/2017 18:41

I've worked from home for a long time. It takes a lot of discipline to do it properly and you can't just keep taking a minute to do this or that, or you quickly find the whole day has been eaten up. It's not just 'two minutes', it's breaking off what you're doing, then having to find your place/motivation again.

The location of his work station doesn't sound ideal - would it be possible to put it in a bedroom (where he can shut the door - out of sight, out of mind)? It's very difficult concentrating in the middle of a house full of kids and I can imagine he finds it stressful. (Depending on what he does, I have a son who's a computer programmer, for example, no way could he do that effectively if surrounded by children).

StinkPickle · 31/08/2017 18:41

If he had time to watch tv and sort his toys out he had time to help out.

Is it his business or does he have a boss?

Orangesox · 31/08/2017 18:41

I think it very much depends on the scope of your role and the duties you're required to do. It's not ideal his workstation being in the living room. Is there not anywhere else he can designate as a work zone? I find it incredibly irritating when I call one of my colleagues and her daughter and grandson are making a racket in the background (she works from her kitchen). I can tell she's distracted and it's unfortunately evident in the quality of her work when she's got a full house!

I work from home two days a week in one job, and from consulting rooms three days a week in another role.

On a standard day at home I'll get two or three loads in the wash, in the dryer/hung out etc. I do this when I'm waiting for the kettle to boil, or when my soup is in the microwave. Don't have time for actual cleaning duties though.

My days are very variable though, for instance on Tuesday I had four patients to ring, two weren't at home and two needed a quick triage and referral for a face to face consultation.... I spent the rest of the day on the sofa watching Netflix and refreshing my task screen which is rare for me. Friday I'll probably have a queue of 20 and forget to have a wee. It's swings and roundabouts.

Myrubbershoes · 31/08/2017 18:45

As someone who works from home (both me and DH) - I would say your set up is unworakable. He can't expect to work productively in the living room, and not fair on you to have to take the kids out/keep them quiet because he's at home.

The only way working from home works is where there is a separate room far from disturbance. And I would not be expecting DH to help with any childcare/chores whilst he was working - and vice versa

Ginslinger · 31/08/2017 18:45

I'm not sure that all of the posters have read your full OP where you described him having time to sit and watch telly while 'play' with his 'toys'. Working from home is difficult and I would have had more sympathy with him if you hadn't told us about that - he's being unreasonable and you should call him on it.

Original poster
Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:46

Dr Horrible - that's it! I feel like we should be a 'team'. Now I feel like setting out some tasks for him to do each week - I currently do all laundry, cooking and cleaning, as well as working 3 days a week in a demanding role myself!
Red Sky - when we arrived he was making himself a (quite technical, considering you are 'busy') lunch!

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 31/08/2017 18:46

He's working from home, his focus needs to be on his work. I work from home but the kids aren't home when I do because I get caught up in their needs. You really need to think of him as being at work and plan accordingly. I think you're being unreasonable.

christinarossetti · 31/08/2017 18:46

Does the workstation have to be in your living room?

Dh and I have been through various configurations of working from home with small children and we had a work station in our bedroom before we moved to a house with enough rooms for a separate office.

Aside from his childish behaviour this morning, it sounds very stressful for you and the children having to constantly be aware that 'he's working' when you just want to be in the living room.

In answer to his question 'what would you do if you were on your own during the day?', actually it would be loads less stressful because you could get your toddler home to nap and take the washing in when it suited you.

Of course it's not unreasonable to expect him to do a couple of two minute tasks. It's not 'supporting you', it's pulling his weight.

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