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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:

Iggi999 · 31/08/2017 19:12

Nuttynoo that is one of the strangest things I've read. The OP works part-time, and on one of her days at home with the dcs the other parent is wfh. How on earth does it help the family, either financially or in terms of family time, to stick the dcs in unnecessary childcare? I suspect the dh going out for the day or getting a hot desk would be cheaper than childcare!

PiratePanda · 31/08/2017 19:13

And I say that having RTFT and noted that you caught him having a break and doing something that works for him to get his mind back into gear.

DorisDangleberry · 31/08/2017 19:14

As long as he is purely focussed on working.......

MsJudgemental · 31/08/2017 19:14

He should not be working in the living room as others have said. If you don't have an extra bedroom, do you have an area large enough on a landing or in the hallway for a desk and a shelf/cupboard? Could you do a cheap loft or basement conversion?

I work mainly from home, apart from visiting tutees on 3 out of 5 days for 4-5 hours (I teach at home 2 out of 5 days for 4 hours) but run my own business so am flexible when I am doing admin at home, therefore I can do household things if necessary. However, although I resent it if I'm expected to have done some household chore, no matter how busy I am I can bring the washing in or put one on!

GrumpyOldBag · 31/08/2017 19:15

I work from home. The best thing about it is being able to manage the laundry at the same time.

I put a load on before I sit down to work; then put away the previous day's and hang out the new wet laundry during my lunch break.

I also have a dedicated office space in the attic which means I can work free from interruption from other people in the house, which I think is probably essential if you are going to work from home.

TheNaze73 · 31/08/2017 19:18

I can see both sides here but, ultimately he was on work time, so that top trumps all else

khajiit13 · 31/08/2017 19:19

I do wonder if anyone has even read the OP? Firstly, the OH has chosen a completely ridiculous workstation. The living space of the family home? That is never going to to work. That aside OP asked if he minded and he said he didn't mind. It's not fair of him to agree and then act like a total twat in front of his kids, waking them up.

expatinscotland · 31/08/2017 19:20

'He sounds like a plonker but he is right what would you do if he went out to work every day'

The kids would be able to live in their own house without having to pretend they are invisible and use the fucking living room.

How did you get to the point where he's taken over the entire house?

He needs to work somewhere else besides the living room.

pp2017 · 31/08/2017 19:20

As someone who does a combo of WFH and going in to the office, I'd say it depends on the situation......

If you asking for help while he is working from home was a one off then no YANBU and he is being an absolute tit!!

But, if he works from home regularly and you asking him to help is every time/regular occurrence then I'd say YABU and perhaps he's just reached the end of his tether and lashed out in frustration, so to speak?

Cavender · 31/08/2017 19:21

He need to move his workstation to a room that he can close the door on.

Working from home only works if you have a designated study or no kids.

How does he take calls with the kids playing in the background.

I'm currently a SAHM. DH is working from home today. The DC are not allowed into the study unless he opens the door.

I wouldn't ask him to do anything when he's working (although he does sometimes volunteer if he's got a minute).

MiaowTheCat · 31/08/2017 19:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 19:22

So the children should be kicked out of home during the day because he cba to rent an office space or work in a different room?

Why do you assume that he 'cba' to arrange another working space? It may be that it isn't financially viable to rent an external space or feasible to rearrange their domestic set up.

crazywriter · 31/08/2017 19:24

I work from home had to create an office space in our bedroom to get away from the kids.

If he already agreed YANBU. Bringing the laundry in is nothing. I take 5 minutes every hour to give my wrists a break from typing and would bring laundry in during those 5 minutes. If he had time to sort out his toys (clearly not working) he could bring in the washing for you. Leaving it out in the rain was him being a dick.

But I do think you need to look at the working from home layout again. Him in the same room as the kids isn't practical.

DoJo · 31/08/2017 19:25

I agree that work time should be with find, but then he shouldn't have agreed to do the household tasks of he wasn't prepared to actually do them. The OP clearly states that she would have done the washing herself had he not agreed to do it, so he's actually creating more work by saying he will and then failing to follow through.

IWillOnlyEatBeans · 31/08/2017 19:25

DH works from home most days.
I don't ask for his help with the children or house at all during working hours, although he might start making us all lunch if he's hungry and I'm in the middle of something. Generally though I don't assume he's able to help out.
Do I think you were BU but he was also U for being grouchy and waking the kids!

PiratePanda · 31/08/2017 19:27

Firstly, the OH has chosen a completely ridiculous workstation. The living space of the family home?

Their house may be tiny and they may not have any other space available, nor be able to afford either to move or for DH to rent an office space elsewhere. This was our situation for five years, and it was awful for everyone.

Merida83 · 31/08/2017 19:27

In all honesty, during the hours he is being paid to work I would not expect him to do anything house/child based at all (unless it's a proper emergency). If he wasn't there he wouldn't be helping so why is it any different.

You mention being annoyed at him ignoring the children but tbf the children need to learn daddy is at work and although he is in the house we have to pretend he isn't as he must not be disturbed. Then need to know work time is very different to family time.

Merida83 · 31/08/2017 19:27

expatinscotland · 31/08/2017 19:27

'It may be that it isn't financially viable to rent an external space or feasible to rearrange their domestic set up.'

Then he tells his employer that and goes into the office or discusses how a workstation can be arranged. My ex h set up on office branch for his small company, he worked from home for a year getting it sorted. So the company paid for us to rent a two-bed flat rather than a one-bed so he had an office. It's completely untenable to expect to work and not be interrupted in the living room when 4 people live in the home including 2 young children.

2rebecca · 31/08/2017 19:28

I think working from home doesn't work unless there is a designated office. I don't expect someone working from home to do household chores though. That's for both of you to do after work time. Bringing in washing is a tricky task because if you're genuinely working you won't notice the weather outside as you'll be too busy.
It depends on whether his work actually brings money in and does it bring in as much as if he went somewhere for the day. If he gets paid reasonable money then I wouldn't expect household drudgery to be done. If he is taking over the whole house and stopping you getting on with stuff and affecting the kids then he needs to go out to work so the house becomes a home again.

Jellycatspyjamas · 31/08/2017 19:30

I'm assuming he's in a paid job, so not arseing about and calling it work and I also assume the OP was in some way involved in/agreed to the wfh arrangement. No he's doesn't get to "commandeer" the living space, but if his job requires him to work at home and this is the arrangement they have it's unreasonable to expect him to be available to do family chores when at work. Id hit the roof if my DHasdumed that me having lunch or browsing the internet during a break from my work meant that I had time to do household chores. If I'm working a full, busy day, it's ok for me to have a break. If he wasn't home he couldn't help. Yes, it would be helpful for him to puck buts here and there - and I'd definitely make sure he pulled his weight outside of working hours, but working from home is work, not paid childcare/home support.

PlausibleSuit · 31/08/2017 19:31

I don't think you are BU in this instance but I think you need to have a broader discussion about the feasibility and practicalities of his WFH and how you share out the house stuff between you.

It sounds like you're all struggling with the set-up, TBH. You're on eggshells, he's stressed and can't concentrate, the kids aren't getting the best of him. As cantkeep said, the boundaries aren't clear. For any of you. You may need to work this one differently.

DoJo · 31/08/2017 19:31

Their house may be tiny and they may not have any other space available, nor be able to afford either to move or for DH to rent an office space elsewhere.

Then you get one of these, or similar and stick it in your bedroom: www.ikea.com/gb/en/products/tables/dining-tables/norberg-wall-mounted-drop-leaf-table-white-art-30180504/
you don't insist on your children not being able to use the living room!

RB68 · 31/08/2017 19:31

He needs to be out of the lounge, away from distracting others with his presence. I don't think the washing thing was too much to ask - ie if it rains bring it in but often even I don't notice that (If I am working)

Given he was slacking off when you popped back and making lunch when you returned you were not unreasonable to ask for carrying help if he is good at keeping kids asleep.

He is being unreasonable to expect you to entertain kids while he beavers in the corner of the flippin living room though

Iggi999 · 31/08/2017 19:34

On lunch breaks at work I take care of loads of necessary admin tasks, arrange dentists order prescriptions contact dc's school pay bills. What is so sacrosanct about a wfm lunch break that other tasks can't be done?

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