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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:
hiccupgirl · 31/08/2017 20:16

YANBU OP.

Both I and DH can WFH rather than hot desk in the office. If I WFH I also manage to do the dishwasher, sort out a load of washing etc while making a cup of tea etc. DH manages nothing because he's working. Annoys the hell out of me tbh - we have similar jobs and recently I've been much busier than him.

Anyway there's no reason why he couldn't have hot the washing in and helped for 5 mins, especially as he had time to do what he wanted to do.

JohnHunter · 31/08/2017 20:19

I work from home, which can be a massive struggle when the kids are in. It isn't just the time of each distraction but the loss of focus they cause. I also procrastinate sometimes - as I would do occasionally in the workplace but probably more at home as there are more distractions around.

Procrastination + constant family distractions + trying to meet deadlines = stressful.

I would find some of your comments/expectations very unhelpful indeed. Is there really nowhere else he can work, i.e. as if he is actually away in an office? I have used libraries, coffee shops, and hotel lobbies for this in the past.

Hullabaloo40 · 31/08/2017 20:32

I don't think you should be telling him when he takes his breaks etc, WFH doesn't mean that you can work to a fixed schedule. I was a SAHM for 8 years and I think I would have gone apoplectic if my other half started to manage when I should do things. If you think he's slacking that's one thing. Does he do stuff around the house at other times? Do you find him supportive? I do think that you need to discuss expectations but I think that that is mainly around where he works when the rest of the family are in the house not how he works, he already (presumably) has a boss at work.

BabychamSocialist · 31/08/2017 20:32

When I'm marking work on my days off, I basically have enough to keep me busy as much as I would be in school. I take breaks but no more longer than I'd get at school. Sometimes I watch TV during them, but they're still my break. I think YABU actually - there's no reason you couldn't do any of the things you asked him to do yourself. Working from home doesn't mean he's available at your beck and call.

JigglyTuff · 31/08/2017 20:36

I never turn the TV on in the daytime. That way lies ruin!

BoomBoomsCousin · 31/08/2017 20:38

Why does he work from home OP? Does his employer insist, or is it supposed to make homelife better?

If the former, then he may be finding it hard and need more of your support too. Sometimes working from home is not a perk. But if the latter then he needs to be pulling a lot more weight because working in the living room is probably a huge cost to you really, making the main room in the house basically inaccessible for the majority of its occupants while he's working. If his "break" and making lunch whenever you happen to surprise him coming back is a regular thing, I would guess he likes working from home because it's just way better for him, especially if you are doing lots of trying to facilitate him working. Think about whether it would actually be better for you and the children if he didn't work from home at all.

Original poster
Bob10 · 31/08/2017 20:44

Thank you all!

Bottom line appears to be working in the living room so he has agreed to work in the bedroom. Small room and not really ideal but, without going into long story, it will be fine. Also, once the children are in school/nursery there will be no problems (and I will be at work when he is home so will not have to observe/criticise his use of break times).
I have said I am happy to 'act as if he is not in' and that when he does come down for a break he can give us his full attention then.
Hopefully this will be less stressful all round - and to be honest,I'm surprised we didn't think of it earlier (certainly helps to write things down and get some MN 'common sense' responses!).

OP posts:
VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 20:46

I never turn the TV on in the daytime. That way lies ruin!

It's the opposite for me ~ daytime TV is so banal and shite that after 20 minutes I have to switch it off and it's an actual relief to get back to work! Grin

(Except during Wimbledon ~ That's the one fortnight of the year when my work schedule gets absolutely trashed)

CotswoldStrife · 31/08/2017 20:47

OP, have you posted about this before quite recently?

I think moving the workstation is the obvious solution in the short term.

yetmorecrap · 31/08/2017 20:49

If he works from home full time and you have young children , it seems to me 2 choices, children into out of home childcare some of the time or he gets a desk in a shared centre (I do this) , would be cheaper than the childcare. Young kids and working from home rarely mix well if it's a FT kind of job and not just an extension of a hobby

MsDugong · 31/08/2017 20:58

My husband and I both work from home. Neither can do it in a living space and do it properly. It does happen very occasionally but it is rare. If, for any reason, the office space is out of action we use a bedroom and keep the door shut.

YANBU in expecting your husband to do a few quick jobs around the house during his working day. My husband I both do this. Laundry, quick phone calls, emails to utility companies, unloading the dishwasher, etc are all quick things to do. However, when they get done has to fit with the worker's day. In my job, I have very fixed times when I can only work every at my laptop. I might get 10 seconds to hit 'send' on an email but that's it. If anyone else needs something from me then, it's tough. I wouldn't agree to it. Unless the house is burning down, I don't want to be disturbed at all. I will however, also have lulls in my day too. So I'll fit quick tasks into those periods, I just can't change when they are (and when and how long they are will vary from day to day). My husband's day is more unpredictable but he also gets more freedom to plan his time himself. He fits in a couple of household chores most days - we've agreed which ones work best for him to do on his working days. In your situation, he would have thought nothing of helping bring the kids in. However, he has left washing on the line, in the rain, more than once. It's something that is easy to put off until 'later' and he often doesn't notice the weather has changed. If he's having a really busy day, he'd tell me and I wouldn't bother him. Conversely, if he's having a quiet day, he'll let me know and ask what he can do to help (other than the stuff he normally does).

People who work outside the home often have to send personal emails or make persona, phone calls during a break or a snatched 2 minutes. They often have to run errands on the way to or from home or on their lunch break. People in office jobs will pause to make a cuppa. I don't see that someone working from home popping a load of washing on, while the kettle boils, or helping to bring a sleeping child into the house, or giving the toilet a quick scrub as any different.

Maybe you got back just as your husband's day got unexpectedly busy?? That doesn't excuse the yelling but it might explain why he was able to mess about with his 'toys' and then be a jerk when you got back?

cherish123 · 31/08/2017 21:12

Why can you not take the sleeping child into the house? The washing would annoy me and he should say goodbye to the kids but other than that YAB a little U. Perhaps he should work in another room -a bedroom. Depends if you are normally out during the day.

DorisDangleberry · 31/08/2017 21:31

thereallochnessmonster sorry, I didn't mean to be rude, thanks for the reply

I guess different strokes for different folks. There are those that need to be focussed when wfh, and those that can switch in and out, and can do 'household' stuff around the work day

Maelstrop · 31/08/2017 21:42

I think that the first step is to relocate the workstation. Then, see how it goes.

This. Totally unreasonable to use the living room as his workspace: what are you supposed to do while he 'works'? Be silent in a corner with your DC?

Xmasbaby11 · 31/08/2017 21:48

Sounds like things will improve now op.

hellejuice91 · 31/08/2017 22:03

My Husband works from home and has for years. The amount of time he has free varies greatly. Sometimes he can most of the afternoon just relaxing other times he works from 7am - 9pm without a break. He could not go out and bring washing in on these days and I certainly would not expect him to do housework. If I had asked him to do something and came home from work early to find him playing a game or watching TV and the job not done I would not be bothered as he is allowed a break. YABU

Titanz · 31/08/2017 22:07

Do people really think that people who work from home shouldn't get breaks? Because it seems it, since there's a few saying he should be doing chores instead of having a break from work.

inabizzlefam · 31/08/2017 22:09

He needs a room to work in away from the family.
You need to forget he's there and not in some office elsewhere and stop bugging him to do these "5 min jobs" which end up taking over the whole day.
Working from home is hard with so many distractions.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 23:23

Do people really think that people who work from home shouldn't get breaks? Because it seems it, since there's a few saying he should be doing chores instead of having a break from work

It certainly seems that way, doesn't it? When I was employed (rather than self-employed) the amount of chatting and general frittering of time was immense (myself included). No one sat there from 9 til 5 with their head down relentlessly.

But take 10 minutes to do your own thing while you're working from home and it's a piss-taking disgrace, especially if you could be doing household chores in that time!

Depending on what deadlines I have looming, I take breaks. And I don't always do something 'housey' during those breaks if I don't feel like it. Some days, if I've got a really tight schedule, I work a 14-hour day stopping only to eat. Other days I have a less pressing schedule and 'slack off' a bit more. My DH doesn't comment, or micro-manage my day, just as I don't check how many breaks he took in his (employed) working day or what he did in those breaks. Similarly, when I'm working he doesn't expect me to do house stuff.

dinosaursandtea · 31/08/2017 23:35

I get so much more done being self-employed at home than when I had an office job!

JigglyTuff · 01/09/2017 05:54

She asked him to bring the laundry in and carry one of his children in. Hardly an endless list of chores Hmm

BeverlyGoldberg · 01/09/2017 06:00

YANBU regardless of his break times etc he should not be setting up a workstation in your living room when you have children home.

Can't he buy a little desk and make room elsewhere if he is so precious about being disturbed.

MaisyPops · 01/09/2017 06:21

I've worked from home before. My breaks were my breaks. I'd read, watch telly, maybe ping the dishwasher on if convenient. I don't like this 'aha! I caught him out'. Maybe he chose to have his break then so he couls have a break rather than be pulled up for daring to have a break when you've got the children.

His workstation shouldn't be in the living room or any family space.

Equally, you are unreasonable for expecting him to be doing house jobs when he's at work. He should be pulling his weight around the house but that doesn't mean on call during the day.

What I like is that there are loads of threads outlining all the reasons why some mums arw perfectly within their rights not to do any housework 'because theyre busy looking after the children' and yet here someone taking breaks from work (which they'd get at work) is proof they are lazy abd dickinh around.

MaisyPops · 01/09/2017 06:27

JigglyTuff
It's the idea of doing '5 min' jobs whenever that's the issue, not doing them.

Plus the OP has also said that she feels like setting him set chores to do each week because he's at home (yet she doesn't like the fact she does more household things when she only works 3 days a week & it's often standars that whoever is SAHP or part time does a bit more)

I'll be honest, I'd be pissed off if someone was on my case for having a break and then thinking that because I'm 'at home' they could start giving me lists of chores to do.

splendidisolation · 01/09/2017 06:31

OK so he's been relegated to the bedroom and "I have said I am happy to 'act as if he is not in' and that when he does come down for a break he can give us his full attention then." - Sounds awful.

Give you his full attention? On his breaks? You know what most salaried people do on their breaks right? They watch TV, read magazines, go on FB, have a laugh with colleagues.

I've worked from home for 5 years now and I would be considering leaving you if you were my partner TBH. Just because of a total lack of respect for my work. I spend a lot of my working day dicking around amidst flurries of intense work. I get paid well, much more than if I were in-house. It wouldnt be unusual to find me messing around with my "toys" whilst waiting for a download or reboot or something.

You sound like a wfh nightmare. Sorry.