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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:
FartSmeller · 31/08/2017 19:34

He needs a desk upstairs away from you all. It's not fair to be in the same room but say you can't speak to him.

You need to stop asking him to help with things.

ReanimatedSGB · 31/08/2017 19:37

It really does depend on the nature of this man's work and whether there is any way the workstation could be moved.
If it is full time WFH but bringing in reasonable money then OP needs to bear in mind that he is at work and therefore can't be continually interrupted by DC or requests to help with the laundry etc. This is doubly the case if it's something that demands a lot of concentration. But, also, it's very rough on the family if they can't use the living room and the OP has to keep taking the DC out of the house so that the H can work.
Also, if he is employed rather than self-employed, maybe his employer coud accommodate him in the office after all.

However, if this 'work' is some sort of self-indulgent dicking around that brings in pennies, maybe it's time he went looking for a proper job.

grasspigeons · 31/08/2017 19:40

Is it possible to reorganise your bedroom so he works from there.
My DH gets things done when working from home. He spreads the work out over more hours due to no commute but then does the odd 5 min bring the washing in, unload the dishwasher whilst getting lunch.

Trampire · 31/08/2017 19:40

I think YABU and little bit.

I have worked from home for 23 years now. Yes, 23 years of properly working - full on. I work long hours into the night and more than often all weekend. I have to do this because I pick my kids up from school and do school stuff so the hours have to be made up somewhere.

My dh works full time out of the house. I do all the shopping and cooking. He does all the laundry, tidying, cleaning and DIY jobs. It has to work this way because I would have no time to do it all myself. My dh sees this.

I'm sorry but if you want to make working at home really work properly you have to do it seriously. I'm lucky enough however to have a garden office studio. However it's only 10 yards from the house and I'm frequently disturbed by the kids.

I will put the washing out on a nice day if DH mentions it. If he doesn't say, then I'm afraid I won't because 90% I don't even click he's put a wash on (because I'm in work mode).

Yes I have breaks and come into the house to watch the news etc.

I think your dh needs to find a different space to work in if possible.

thereallochnessmonster · 31/08/2017 19:45

Hmm, I think that men and women think differently about working from home. I've run my own business from home for 20 years and dh works from home occasionally too. When I am working, I will do things like take 5 mins to load dishwasher, tidy house, put on a wash, etc. Dh will not. Hmm

BUT, as others have said, wfh in your lounge is completely impractical and shit for everyone, esp. you and the dc.

Why is your h wfh? Is he employed?

I'd take a very dim view of him watching tv and sorting out his 'toys' as soon as your back is turned, and also him shouting at his own dc and waking them up, after agreeing to help you. Selfish man child. Also, making a 'complicated' lunch? Most days I take ten mins for lunch. He sounds selfish.

So if your dh is going to continue to wfh you need some ground rules:

He must move his wfh space to a bedroom or somewhere out of the way
Times at which he will be having a coffee break/lunch and can be 'disturbed' from his 'important' work
Times he will start and finish work
House jobs you will both do while he is wfh

I think that's the only way it will work for you both. TBH he has lost my sympathy by appearing so selfish.

dinosaursandtea · 31/08/2017 19:46

I can't believe how many people assume that because he works from home and

dinosaursandtea · 31/08/2017 19:47

damn cat stood on the laptop.

I can't believe how many people assume that because he works from home, he must be working for 'pennies' or 'dicking around'! What century do you people live in?!

Thebluedog · 31/08/2017 19:48

I work from home and we've ended up converting part of the garage to an office so I can work without interruption. It used to drive me bonkers when I was working with kids coming in and being asked to do 'washing' 'pay bills' sort stuff out just because I'm at home.

My childminder and dp know that if I've got time I will do what I can around the house, but sometimes I simply don't get chance to. I know that I'm entitled to a lunch break, and. I do try and use it, to have a break and eat my lunch, I don't always think it's reasonable to expect people to do chores around the house in lunch breaks. You'd not expect to do them at work.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 19:48

Then he tells his employer that and goes into the office or discusses how a workstation can be arranged. My ex h set up on office branch for his small company, he worked from home for a year getting it sorted. So the company paid for us to rent a two-bed flat rather than a one-bed so he had an office. It's completely untenable to expect to work and not be interrupted in the living room when 4 people live in the home including 2 young children

Ideally yes, but it isn't necessarily possible. I work from home and for the first few years I had to cart the laptop around the house to find somewhere to work, which was irritating but doable. Had I been tied to a desktop pc in a specific room it would have been hell, but as a fledgling freelancer I could not have rented a separate office or a different property.

PiratePanda · 31/08/2017 19:48

@DoJo ideally, yes, absolutely his workstation should not be in the sitting room. But some houses in the UK are ridiculously tiny and cramped, especially new ones. And if he is doing something like IT, he may need two cinema monitors or similar set-up, making a wall-mounted drop-leaf table completely impossible.

As for one's employer helping provide WFH space..hahaha. I'm an academic living over an hour from my central London workplace. My institution wouldn't give a shit. I'm lucky I get a laptop.

Hullabaloo40 · 31/08/2017 19:49

I think that you AB a little U. My husband works from home and During working hours I don't expect any household jobs to be done. Yes he has a lunch break watch tv sometimes but he's a grown man who can manage his own working day. When he's not working he does stuff around the house. When I'm at work I have breaks etc so so should he. Even if it's 5 minutes after you've left if that's how he wants to manage his day then that's fine. Just because it doesn't fit into your timetable as to when he should do things I really don't feel that he warrants a blasting sorry.

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2017 19:50

What crap from him. The benefit of working from home is being able to take 10 minutes to put washing out, ie a small amount of time occasionally for a non-work task. What you asked was very reasonable and he was arsing about / wasting time at other points in the day. My DH sometimes works from home and would have been fine with either of those requests.

Thebluedog · 31/08/2017 19:50

He was unreasonable to wake the kids and shout at you. But I also think yabu to expect him to drop everything to sort the washing or carry the kids in. What would happen if he was on a call?

Butterymuffin · 31/08/2017 19:51

@DorisDangleberry love the M&W sketch!

Olympiathequeen · 31/08/2017 19:52

If it's his job then you shouldn't rely on him for anything. Frustrating but if he were at an office you would have to manage on your own.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 19:53

I'd take a very dim view of him watching tv and sorting out his 'toys' as soon as your back is turned

I wfh and I take occasional breaks during the day - just as people who work out of the home also can do.

We do not know how long he'd been working before he took that break. Maybe he was taking the piss and had been slacking off the whole time OP was out of the house, or maybe she walked back in the minute he took a break after several hours of working.

RidingWindhorses · 31/08/2017 19:54

If he's got time to watch TV he's got time to bring the washing in. He got stroppy as he got caught.

However I agree with pps he can't possibly work in the living room with the kids around, he must have his own space.

RidingWindhorses · 31/08/2017 19:55

I work from home, I never watch tv during the day. It's working time.

VeryCunningStunt · 31/08/2017 19:58

I work from home, I never watch tv during the day. It's working time

I work from home, and I watch tv while I eat my lunch.

The last office I worked in had a TV set up in the kitchen for people to watch while they are their lunch.

Same difference.

FUNM · 31/08/2017 20:02

Simple LTB

DorisDangleberry · 31/08/2017 20:05

thereallochnessmonster I'm going to pull you up on your gender stereotyping. My DH works from home every Friday. During that time he also does all the washing so that it is job we don't need to do at the weekend (I also work FT)

Not all men are useless round the house

DorisDangleberry · 31/08/2017 20:05

Butterymuffin no AIBU thread is complete without a reference to wanking!

cheeseandpineapple · 31/08/2017 20:08

OP you're not being unreasonable. Unless he was on a call at the exact moment you knocked or was just about to jump on to a pre scheduled call his reaction to your request for help and comment on the laundry was unnecessarily rude.

Attack as a form of defence springs to mind as he was caught out by you earlier in the day.

No excuse for his tone of voice with you. I work from home a lot and only if I'm on an actual call would I not immediately help out with something like getting my children in from the rain and even then unless a client I could not put off I would ask person if I can call them back.

No excuses, as previous poster said, he's a dick who needs to learn how to switch gears.

thereallochnessmonster · 31/08/2017 20:15

Doris - I'm going to pull you up on your gender stereotyping. My DH works from home every Friday. During that time he also does all the washing so that it is job we don't need to do at the weekend (I also work FT)

Not all men are useless round the house

My dh is not useless either, just single-minded when working - he works. Doesn't do house stuff, but nor does he faff about with lunches or his 'toys'.

Thanks for your POV - I was just giving my experience. Of course I realise that everyone is different!

Garlicansapphire · 31/08/2017 20:16

Can't imagine how anyone can possibly work at home from the living room surrounded by kids - impossible. Can't you put the computer in your bedroom or elsewhere? Work is important - like err... in terms of bringing in wages!

I have to admit I always was very respectful of my XH working at home and never disturbed him - he had his own office and I left him to it. No coffees or lunchbreaks, no help with kids etc. I'm not sure if he was taking long breaks - I was just respectful about it and could manage very well on my own. But he did do chores - just not ones I gave him - eg. changing lightbulbs, cleaning limescale etc.

Some people thought I was overly generous but I would hate constant interruptions so I felt it was respectful and what I would want in his shoes.

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