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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:

Original poster

Bob10 · 02/09/2017 09:11

I think it's as an earlier post said - when I have down time or a break, I usually do something family based (a phone call, housework, shopping etc). That's my choice. When my DH has time to himself he uses it for himself. Again, it's his time and his own choice.

I think that actually I could learn a lot from that as I'm sure it makes life a lot more pleasurable and gives a better work-life balance! Unfortunately though, I always put the kids/DH first....this could be a whole new thread!!

OP posts:

IDoDaChaCha · 02/09/2017 16:51

Bob10 steaming wrinkles out of my top with the floor mop worked!

IDoDaChaCha · 02/09/2017 16:55

Unfortunately though, I always put the kids/DH first... don't forget DH isn't one of your children. You don't need to put him first: it's about teamwork. Could you trial doing 'me time' in your down time instead of chores and see what happens? Maybe the ensuing mayhem will speak volumes to him about what you actually contribute...

Mrstiggywink49 · 02/09/2017 17:06

I think you need to treat the whole 'working at home' thing as just that. He is working....just think of him as being in an office away from home. I know it's hard, my husband worked at home for about 2 years it was unsuccessful and he ended up getting a small office in town. We had a toddler and a baby on the way...it just didn't work....my toddler daughter wanted to.keep popping into his work space for a chat! and all too easy for him to get distracted. I would never have given him a list of chores to do and i think that might be a bit unfair on your husband.

Brakebackcyclebot · 02/09/2017 17:15

I have worked from home for a decade. It drives me insane when DH expects chores to be done. I am working. Treat it as though I am out of the house in an office.

Your set up sounds unworkable. Trying G to work in your communal living space? This is a recipe for resentment from both of you.

Gibby138 · 02/09/2017 18:18

Clearly you don't want actual input bc the only comments you acknowledge are those that trash you DH and agree with your viewpoint that he is in the wrong. Despite dozens of suggestions on how to improve your situation and response to his behavior you cling to "He is wrong, I will ASSIGN him more tasks". He is your HUSBAND not your childyou don't assign your spouse tasks. You say you wish to be a team but you don't seem to want to be part of an actual team. A team member picks up the responsibilities when another member cannot. He works from home and that needs to be treated as such. Do you run him from work to iron or switch the wash? Do you take your ironing with you and tell your superior that you need to go do some quick ironing before speaking with a client? NO, you don't because that would be absurd. Expecting some one to do everything at your beckon call is unrealistic. You're "assigning" time specific tasks which are unreasonable bc you can't always just drop what you're doing at the exact moment it needs to be done. You should find a way to resolve this very insignificant issue so that one day when something *important, something real happens in your relationship you will be able to survive it. Death of a parent, a child with cancer....real things not whether he was too busy working to pull in the laundry. And if he was playing with toys who cares--you are harping him, maybe he needed a moment to feel happiness. Best of luck.

Iggi999 · 02/09/2017 18:39

Oh for gods sake Gibby did you get out the wrong side of bed?
Best of luck

Gibby138 · 02/09/2017 18:48

Oh heavens no, not at all! My comment is very similar to others: that she is being unreasonable and expecting things that she herself would not do. So bc I don't trash the husband I must have gotten up on the wrong side of the bed? Wow!

Gibby138 · 02/09/2017 18:51

Couldn't agree more with you!

Original poster

Bob10 · 02/09/2017 19:54

Not sure you have actually read my comments Gibby - most of which have acknowledged me being unreasonable and actually quite selfish in my thinking. I've come down mostly on the side of 'yes, I am being unreasonable'????

OP posts:

leannerosecooper · 02/09/2017 23:13

You're all saying the op is BU as "he is at work" "you can't expect him to do anything but work" yet all he was doing throughout the day was watching tv, laying around and eating. What part of that sounds like work? He's ignoring his children and his DP so he can have some alone time and pretend to work. If he has time to watch tv I'm pretty sure he will have time to bring the toddler in and the washing.

Gemini69 · 02/09/2017 23:46

OP.. you're definitely NOT being unreasonable...

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 01:42

You're all saying the op is BU as "he is at work" "you can't expect him to do anything but work" yet all he was doing throughout the day was watching tv, laying around and eating.
He had a break. Just like people who work have breaks.

Only difference is that because he's at home instead of having the luxury of eating lunch with friends and having a laugh, going ti the gym, grabbing a coffee etc like people who work out of the house, he has that time on his own.

Too many people on thia thread have no clue about working from home (and I'd bet some probably take the view that SAHP shouldn't do more housework because 'their job is childcare')

TheDowagerCuntess · 03/09/2017 01:51

And yet those of us who do have experience of working from home are saying we get house stuff done as well...

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 02:06

TheDowagerCuntess

2 separate issues:

Working from home arrangements
Whether he is doing his fair share (and what his fair share is separate to the fact ye is at home for work)

When I work from home I don't flit about 'just doing 10 min jobs' because multitasking has become some odd badge of honour in the busy competition. I am working. When I have a break, i am having a break - not doing chores. When i am doing chores, i do chores.

Now he may not be pulling his weight around the house and that's fair to raise. But not 'he should give me his full attention during his breaks', 'i feel like leaving him a list of chores to do', 'i work 3 days a week and do more than him' (logic says whoerver works fewer hours does more). People have even started whining about how he's been caught dicking about, he isn't really working, if he has time to have a break he has time for chores (and other bollocks like that where the expectation is someone's breaks etc being policed when ut wouldnt be if he was in the office).

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 07:41

I certainly don't get stuff done when I'm working from home (and I'm female). Usually if I'm wfh it's because I'm writing a presentation or something and it requires concentration. The pressure of doing (even a few) household chores would throw me completely.

Now I'll take breaks, but at a time that suits me and the purpose is to give my brain a rest, not to do jobs.

I agree that your DP needs to pull his weight, but expecting that to happen during wfh hours isn't reasonable.

FuckingLoveCarbs · 03/09/2017 07:44

I work from home and get loads done.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 07:57

Well good for you fucking but everyone's work requirements are different and everyone's working styles are different.

Just because some people get loads done doesn't follow that it's reasonable to expect OP's partner to.

Garliccalamari · 03/09/2017 08:08

My DH works from home 4 days a week. He likes to watch tv on his break. He doesn't do chores during the workday. However, he does his fair amount of chores in the evening and weekend like any other working spouse. I think you need to talk to him about his share. It's up to him when he does them.

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 08:08

laurie
I've tried saying that a few times and have been met with a mix of responses that suggest either:

That we hold multitasking as some kind of amazing trait of being super busy. Even though thr same tasks can be done not multitasking.

Some people are just martyrs who really want a pat on the back because they just do so much. (Sort of I work from home AND i get up and do the breakfasts, and I do thr laundry and I go out and do errands ans I make sure tea is prepared. I would love to be at a point where I can't multotask but i'm so awesome that the world would stop if I did my work during workinh hours and chores not in working hours. I mean, how on earth does anyone cope with that

As long as someone pulls their weight around the house, their working patterns don't come into it.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 08:11

Noticed multitasking being pooh poohed on this thread. Wouldn't it be more honest to say "I can't multitask personally but I can appreciate others can" rather than suggesting multitasking is some kind of delusion for people with an inability to concentrate or an 'easy' job. Seems a bit bitter... Just because you can't do something doesn't mean it doesn't exist...

GriswaldFamilyVacation · 03/09/2017 08:13

He's creating work for you by working from home. Can he go to the library or rent a small office? Dh was given work from home instead of paternity leave. Did my head and caused me infinitely more work and I sent his ass back early.

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 08:23

IDoDaChaCha
Not bitter at all. I can multitask and used to work that way, but now I question whether it is the most effective way if working. As time goes on Ive started seeing that it's probably part of the cult of busy (see it at work as well) where people spend lots of time stop starting tasks and end wandering around whining about their to do list and how hard they're working as if somehow they do more than everyonr else.

If people want to multitask then that's fine and up to them. What I've disliked throught this thread is the repeated "but i manage to do ALL of this when I am at home so he is just dicking around / women manage to multitask because the world would fall apart if we didn't".
Great. I also manage to all those basic adult tasks too, along with most other adults but I don't expect a gold star for it and I wouldn't be policing what someone does in their work breaks.

Sayyouwill · 03/09/2017 08:35

I worked from home on occasion in my old job. It was extra money for me and I would do 'live chat' so I would sit at a computer and respond when people logged on with problems or enquiries.
I never got to choose my breaks. If no one was logged on, I would just sit and wait. I could go for a wee, stick the TV on, ring my friends but would have to stop as soon as someone needed my attention.
I thought, at first, it would be easy and I can just do other things, but it wasn't. It was hard to concentrate in my own home. I lived in an open plan flat and my bedroom couldn't fit my computer in so I had to be in the living room.

It's so easy to sit and whinge because someone is technically at home. SAHM's manage to work all day (and night) and still sort the house out. But if your job is the only financial income you have, you need to be able to focus on it. I agree your set up doesn't work. What are the reasons he needs to be in the living room? Can he go to a cafe or a hotel and just sit in the lounge?

I feel sorry for the guy being 'caught out' taking a break. Surely that is something we all get to have?

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 08:43

I feel sorry for the guy being 'caught out' taking a break. Surely that is something we all get to have?
No. Haven't you heard, if he has time to spend any time having a break then he has time to do a whole list of chores because the OP doesn't like doing more than 50% of the housework because she is so busy working 3 days a week.
Plus, not only are his breaks for chores when she isn't around he also needs to be giving her and the children his undivided attention during his breaks when they are around.

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