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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH 'working from home'

298 replies

Bob10 · 31/08/2017 18:26

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

OP posts:

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 08:44

I feel sorry for the guy being 'caught out' taking a break. Surely that is something we all get to have?
No. Haven't you heard, if he has time to spend any time having a break then he has time to do a whole list of chores because the OP doesn't like doing more than 50% of the housework because she is so busy working 3 days a week.
Plus, not only are his breaks for chores when she isn't around he also needs to be giving her and the children his undivided attention during his breaks when they are around.

Original poster

Bob10 · 03/09/2017 08:59

OP posts:

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 09:21

Ability to multitask is one thing, but the actual requirements of the job are another and impact hugely.

Some people's jobs are routine and straightforward. Others might need tonnes of thought or creativity. Some people need to be available immediately if required, others can respond when it suits them.

All of those thing will impact how realistic it is to ask someone to multi task.

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 10:10

Bob10
I've made general comments about martyrdom. I think the cult of busy-ness is a massive issue. I do think there's a lot of competative busy-ness etc.

I've not called you a martyr.I have read the thread. I diaagree with your earlier comments about working 3 days a week, him doing nothing and you wanting to leave a list of chores for him.

I stand by what i've said the whole thread, if he isn't pulling his weight in general around the house then that's an issue to discuss but I do think your approach to his work is unreasonable

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 15:34

MaisyPops now the people saying they multitask are just showing off/gloating? I didn't sense any need for 'gold stars' more just a general bewilderment of why it was so difficult to bring the washing in from the rain and carry in their sleeping child, neither of which would require a huge amount of time or effort. If DH didn't want to do these things he should have said no to begin with.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 15:36

I think YOU might need a break Maisypops as you are on some sort of crusade of your own. Please read all of my comments before you assign me the role of a martyr. Half of your accusations are unjustified now! crusade does seem the right word. I mean come on Maisypops it's not like this thread is actually about you.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 15:43

LaurieMarlow you have just validated my earlier comment that some people think the only people who can multitask are those with 'routine and straightforward' jobs. I spent many years working in highly time pressured roles (to Court timetables) with a huge workload and was interrupted umpteen times a day by solicitors who needed something urgent doing. All this crap about 'breaking flow'. You just get on and do it and go back to the other work when you're finished. If you can't do work unless you are completely uninterrupted that is down to your own inability to be interrupted. Many people can be interrupted and multitask just fine.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 15:57

And many can't, ido and that comes down to the interplay between the job requirements and the person's working style.

But I stand by my point that some people's jobs do not, in the main, lend themselves to the kind of interruptions the OP is asking for.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 15:58

And many can't, ido and that comes down to the interplay between the job requirements and the person's working style. the first admission that it is the persons inability to multitask not that multitasking doesn't exist.

Thank you.

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 16:01

And tell me, if you don't mind, where I said multi-tasking doesn't exist?

Original poster

Bob10 · 03/09/2017 16:36

The 'list of chores' was a hypothetical 'what would be reasonable?' not a list of requests I intended to make! I am asking for help to judge this and have found that the answer is probably do not expect any additional chores be done during working hours.

OP posts:

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 16:45

And tell me, if you don't mind, where I said multi-tasking doesn't exist?

I didn't say you did...

LaurieMarlow · 03/09/2017 16:46

Fair enough bob, that remark was primarily addressed to ido

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 17:22

I'm not saying it's about me.

I'm saying I think some people are quick to be 'i do all of this stuff' and quick to dislike their partners having any break under the guise of "im so busy".

In this thread it's to do with someone having a break from work (perfectly reasonable and in line with breaks in the workplace), other times it's same daft lines with different scenarios.

He should pull his weight around the house. Absolutely. I don't think it's right for anyone to suggest someone having a break from work is dicking around or fake working (which quite a few posters have done - which I think is ridiculousl

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 17:39

I'm saying I think some people are quick to be 'i do all of this stuff' and quick to dislike their partners having any break under the guise of "im so busy". this is your assumption based on a few details. We're not present in their lives to know how stuff goes down. Some of them may be in relationships with genuinely lazy people who do not contribute equally. I know I have been and anyone defending his lazy arse out of a solidarity that didn't exist would annoy me. At least it would have before I divorced him

MaisyPops · 03/09/2017 19:06

Some of them may be in relationships with genuinely lazy people who do not contribute equally.
I have zero issue that. Lazy people need kicking into doing their fair share.

I just found it telling that quite a few posters seemed to think it was fine to police the DH's breaks when working from home on the grounds of 'but when i work from home look at all this stuff i do as well as my work', which is that sort of martyr, i'm a great multitasker and if i manage it others should etc. There seemed to be in some posts a suggestion that his presence in thr house means he should be doing the same proportion of stuff as the OP who only works 3 days a week, which I don't get.

What I've said all the way through is there are 2 issues:

His break pattern and home working arrangements
If he is doing a reasonable share in the house.

People arguing he should do x y z 'because he is at home so... / if he has a break for him then he has time to do chores' are being unreasonable. People suggesting yhat him having a break where he does something other than work means he is dicking around and fake working are also being unreasonable.

IDoDaChaCha · 03/09/2017 19:26

MaisyPops I still don't agree re 'martyrdom'. People saying they can't understand why DH wouldn't pick up the slack on down time when they would. It hasn't come across to me as a pissing contest. But we are now having a circuitous disagreement between ourselves which isn't that relevant to the OP.

Mollybear12 · 03/09/2017 20:47

My Dh works from home and I work full time with a 1 hour drive each way, I leave the house at 5 am he gets up at 7 ish I do a ten hour shift and drive home normally via Sainsbury's or my mums or his parents, he who works very hard and bla bla love him dearly but couldn't even empty the washing machine yday so when I eventually got home about 8, I then had to sort it out so I would have a clean uniform for work today, the washing machine was 2 rooms from from the office!! Anyway that's my rant, I personally would not be able to wfh I would be watching loose women, but I wish he would do a thing or to with me asking, I might start being louder when I get up in the morning ! X

YouTheCat · 03/09/2017 21:28

My issue would have been he appeared to be having a break 30 minutes after he started work.

I think putting his workstation in a different room will, hopefully, lessen the temptation to bugger about, although he is, of course entitled to breaks.

Peppapogstillonaloop · 03/09/2017 21:40

Yanbu and there are a lot of bizarre comments on this thread! You asked him to do something, he happily agreed and then didn't do it. He then felt busted because you knew he had been skiving earlier so lashed out..is how it all reads to me...

IDoDaChaCha · 04/09/2017 09:09

Mollybear12 careful now it might seem like you want a 'gold star' explaining the vast difference in how hard you and OH actually work around the home...

MaisyPops yet another woman with an OH who doesn't contribute to housework equally. I see a definite pattern. Don't you?

IDoDaChaCha · 04/09/2017 09:10

Yanbu and there are a lot of bizarre comments on this thread!

^^ This

awifeyforlifey · 04/09/2017 09:35

YANBU to ask for help while he's working from home. It's fine to ask your spouse for favors on occasion. They're adults and can let you know if they can't.

It was give and take: you took the kids so he could have peace, and in return you asked for him to give the house/kids two minutes of his time. And, crucially, he said it was fine or agreed in some way, which he didn't have to. After all, you would have been home to get the laundry yourself and wouldn't need help getting your toddler inside, if it wasn't for you trying to keep the kids out of the house for his sake.

He was NBU to agree. He was also NBU to not get the tasks he agreed to do, done. Those things happen when you work from home. He was being very unreasonable to not shoot you a quick text saying, "On the phone, pouring outside, so sorry I can't get to laundry!" or "Sorry, I'm on with a client, can't get to the car to get Toddler, can you manage?" Or even to explain to you in person when you got home.

He was also being unreasonable to have a strop in front of the children. Sounds like a bad day all around. Glad that things have improved since then, working from home can be such a minefield.

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