DH 'working from home'

[Bob10]

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

Moving his work station was a good idea. And expecting him to use his breaks to do household chores is s bit shit. "Observing/Criticising how he uses his breaks"? That's not ok. What are you his boss?

Plenty of home workers use breaks or lulls to do household chores. I don't think it's fair to expect it though. Your view seems to be he should be able to stop working when you need something and he should spend his breaks doing household chores. Any indication of doing something for himself during the working day makes you think he can also do household,chores.

If he wants to do nothing during his breaks that's fine. It's a break.He should pull his weight in the mornings/ evenings, just like he would have to if working in an office. And just like if he was working in an office he shouldn't be expected to drop everything ro do household chores or be available to help you as and when you feel the need.

Give you his full attention? On his breaks? You know what most salaried people do on their breaks right? They watch TV, read magazines, go on FB, have a laugh with colleagues.
Pretty much.
Plenty of home workers use breaks or lulls to do household chores. I don't think it's fair to expect it though
Exactly. Ditto for he should give his full attention to her when he's on his break.

if he wants to do nothing during his breaks that's fine. It's abreak.Heshould pull his weight in the mornings/ evenings, just like he would have to if working in an office
This.

Thank you.

Unfortunately we are new to wfh but DH has to make it work in order for me to keep my job and afford childcare costs beyond our range. He only needs to do 2 days each week and it will really only be a problem out of term time - and will obviously be more manageable as the children get older and are less demanding (ha ha!)/more understanding.

Also, I am not his 'boss' at work but I do not believe that if things need to be done for the family they should always fall upon me. The two requests I discussed are petty and absolutely within my ability to do and I usually do them (without complaint!) when I am on my own. My question was really what could I expect someone wfh to do (if anything) that would a) support the family when we are also home and b) support the general running of the house.
I guess this is very subjective as I often make calls, pay bills, shop online etc in my break time, but my husband does not and I do not expect him to.

Splendid would you also refuse to make eye contact with a small child saying goodbye to you, as the man in this scenario is doing?

I've seen your update and solution, it sounds like you've had a good discussion and worked together to find a way which will work for you.

I was in two minds about your OP. My DH occasionally works from home, but in a separate office, and I leave him to it. He has breaks where he walks the dog and then watches tv or plays a game. But that'll depend on how busy he is. The dog always gets walked though, a true break from work for him.

But, when I was at home too he'd still meet me at the door to carry shopping in or come and help me if I desperately needed it. That's mainly because I can't manage to do those things myself. On the odd occasion when he was wfh and I was at work I'd ask him to hang washing out or brinf it in. If I didn't get hung out I wouldn't make an issue of it but I would if he didn't get it in when it rained (if he was able to of course!)

Expecting him to do household chores while wfh is unreasonable, just as it is when partners feel a mother looking after children all day isn't work.

A WFH can be really great for managing family/work/life balance, but there must be respectful boundaries on all sides (including your DHs employer).

It can be difficult when there are children around- even teenagers. I find I get irritated when there is an expectation that I will prepare lunches for my teenagers just because I am there. With my own DDs I made it clear they had to do lunch for us all when they were on school hols. It's a different matter with my DSCs as they don't like to do anything I ask them to do. (Whole other thread). So I now usually just sort myself out and have learned to put up with the mess they leave in the kitchen. I get their DF to do it when he gets home.

My biggest problems are taking in neighbours' parcels, which can be up to four or five a day coming up to Christmas and my DF, who has never been able to understand WFH and always thinks if he catches me at home I must be on holiday.

My DDs are grown up now.

It didn't work at all when my husband worked at home...he now rents an office space.

You should expect nothing whilst he is working even during breaks. Things should either wait until after he finishes work or you do them without relying on him.

Hopefully though if no longer under pressure he will so.etimes help.

I work from home once a fortnight. My kids and OH if home early/late know not to disturb me. Sometimes I'll put a wash on or vacuum a room but only if my workload allows it and I feel like It!

DP and I both work from home a couple of days a week (usually different days).

First of all, if I was your husband's employer I wouldn't considering working in the living room with his wife and two small children milling around to be an acceptable home-working arrangement at all. The policy where I work is that if you work from home you are expected to be in a quiet place with no childcare/family distractions during working hours. I see you've now agreed he'll work in the bedroom, which is a much better solution.

When I work from home, I might load the dishwasher, put some laundry on, make a phone call to the bank or something, but that's it. I certainly wouldn't be doing stuff like ironing, hoovering, cleaning etc - I wouldn't do housework in my lunch break if I was at the office, so I don't do it when I work from home. Assuming I have time for a full lunch break (sometimes I don't) I'll typically make myself something to eat and have that while I watch something on the telly or read a book, or I might pop out for a quick walk to the shops or to collect a parcel or something. DP seems to have a similar set-up when he works from home. We treat it exactly the same as any other working day. Inevitably there will be an occasional lunchtime task that really can't wait, just as there would be when we're in the office, but we don't make a habit of filling breaks with household chores and I suspect we'd both be miserable if we did.

How much it's reasonable to expect your DH to do while he's WFH really depends on whether you also work (I realise that looking after kids/running a house is also work, or course, but I mean a paid job). If you do the same amount of hours as him, I'd expect you both to share the housework and fit it around your jobs. But if he is the only wage earner or puts in significantly longer working hours than you, then I honestly wouldn't expect him to do much extra in the way of housework during the week, whether he's working from home or not.

I work from home and would get really irritated if DH kept asking me to do this or that especially if he was at home too. Obviously, I do sometimes put the washing on or do other jobs around the house but I feel it should be my choice. If I am having a really stressful day or working to a deadline I often want to just concentrate and if I have a break I need to relax rather than do anything eles.

I do not believe that if things need to be done for the family they should always fall upon me

No one said they should. What was said was you should not expect him to give you all his attention on his breaks and spend the time doing chores. Segment off what can be done in the morning / evening and a fair split of labour, but be understanding of the fact he is working during the day and entitled to breaks and let him have them.

I can believe you answered the question on whether you were his boss as if it was a serious question,

OP I think you need to really consider what people are saying re. his breaks. If I had to start focusing on family whilst taking a break from hard work it'd drive me potty. I just need a breather to sit and collect my thoughts and relax for a bit. Not start entertaining the kids or doing chores.

I WFH 2 days a week. I can find the time to put a load of washing on, could probably walk a dog as I get 1 hr lunch. Not ironing though. I tend to do a small task up to 5 mins every hour just to get away from a computer screen, I do this at work too though. Boss is happy with this.

Just to clarify, I have never asked DH to do any ironing/washing etc whilst wfh and I wouldn't. I would actually not expect him to do anything other than 'work'.

However, i did ask for a little help (perhaps wrongly!) and would expect anyone who really needed to concentrate on his work to just say 'no'. This would have been acceptable. What I do not want is to ask for (minor) support and then be balled at for being unreasonable - especially when the help had been acknowledged and agreed!

I will actually not ask in future as I think that, having read the posts, I have been selfish and perhaps feeling that if I do something then he should. It will definitely help for him to be working out of sight though!

I work from home a lot.
There are days that it gets to mid afternoon and I realise my bladder actually hurts because I still haven't been to the loo.
Just the same as the physical office, some day.

My 8yo interrupts me (when she's got an inset day and prefers not to go to school club) and I say "remember this is like if you came into my office" and she grins

Posted too soon!

Basically, you got my back up with using inverted commas for 'working from home' - that kind of dismissive attitude really annoys me!

YABVVVU. He is working; he shouldn't be having to do anything else in between, and his break should be just that - a break. Not more work.

You find it hard not to talk to him, really? I get that for little kids, but you're an adult. He does right not to acknowledge you else you'll think it's okay to do it again next time.

I have never asked DH to do any ironing/washing etc whilst wfh and I wouldn't......

However, i did ask for a little help (perhaps wrongly!) and would expect anyone who really needed to concentrate on his work to just say 'no'.

Sorry, but you've contradicted yourself here, and asking him to bring washing in is the same as asking him to do some washing. During his work time it should be obvious to you that it isn't time for helping around the house or with children. You may have put him in a position where he felt like he couldn't say no, I know that's how I would feel if i was working from home and my partner was 'asking for my help'. Because there's a difference between asking someone to do chores and asking for help, the latter is more emotive and I couldnt say no.

I hope you manage to sort it, hopefully him having his own space will help you both.

I apologise. I don't think wfh is a holiday or day off. I know that DH is genuinely working and is entitled to mental breaks throughout the day.

I just wanted some clarity on whether I could make reasonable requests for support on these days. I also often ask DH to pick up something during his lunch breaks or make a phone call when working from his office. I'm not unreasonable, just sometimes overloaded!!

Sorry...asking him to pick up the portable washing line is the same as asking him to do the washing Lord, I'm a monster!!

My biggest problems are taking in neighbours' parcels, which can be up to four or five a day coming up to Christmas

Oh yes. It didn't take long for all of the local couriers to cotton on to the fact that I'm pretty much always in during the day. At times they've knocked on my door first rather than even trying the neighbour the parcel is addressed to!

Basically, you got my back up with using inverted commas for 'working from home' - that kind of dismissive attitude really annoys me!

Me too ~ as if someone who is 'working from home' is only 'hypothetically' working. Unfortunately, the only bit of the phrase 'working from home' that some people process is 'from home' . Apparently the 'work' bit happens by magic and whilst simultaneously undertaking other activities.

The inverted commas were not intended to cause offence and are not an indication of my belief that wfh is actually just being at home - just in case anyone 'did not understand' my previous post!!

I just wanted some clarity on whether I could make reasonable requests for support on these days

They're not reasonable though, because he's working.

You are rude.
With your oh so funny so clever 'did not understand'.
Why did you use inverted commas then?
It's a very well understood mechanism for signalling that something is not true.
So even if you didn't intend that, you should acknowledge that people will think you did.
Instead, you choose to be rude.