DH 'working from home'

[Bob10]

Am about to have it out with husband when kids are in bed but want to check with you all if I am out of line.

DH works from home and so I took my children out for the morning to give him space. It is generally very hard for both myself and the kids to not initiate conversations with him when he is actually in the room (workstation in our living room!). He has reminded me on several occasions that he is 'working' and i accept this, although I'm not always tolerant when he does not acknowledge the children's questions or even make eye contact with them when they are saying goodbye! I do accept, however, that he does not do pressure well and cannot focus on two things at once!
So, as I leave I ask him if it's ok to bring in the washing if it rains? He says yes and I am sure two minutes away from the screen will be enough time for this task. I also remind him that our toddler will probably be asleep when we get home and can he look out for us and help me in (toddler NEEDs his nap and always stays asleep when DH carries him in). Again, this is pretty standard practice for us, so fine.
During the morning I realise I have forgotten something and head home. I don't phone as I don't want to stop him 'working'. Upon entering our house I find him sorting out his 'toys', watching tv and totally away from his laptop. I laugh. He says it's the first 5 mins he's had to himself. It's all good and I head out again.
Long story (a little) short, I come home early as it is bucketing it down and the kids are tired. When I get home, both kids have fallen asleep and I knock and ask for his help (I had also texted him 30mins prior to this to explain we were on our way). As he comes out I notice laundry is still out and make a comment on this, to which he storms around, waking both kids (who are upset at having been woken suddenly) and starts shouting about 'what would I do if I was on my own'. He continues to shout and stomp around generally about how unreasonable I am.
So...my question to you is... was I unreasonable? How much additional 'house work'/support can I expect someone to give whilst they are also supposed to be 'working from home' in their main job? Even when I work, I use lunch breaks to make phone calls, order shopping, buy presents etc.
Many thanks in advance - conversations will commence at 8pm!

I work from home 4/5 days a week. How much extra I can do varies. However, if I noticed the rain had come on, I could certainly bring in the washing, and usually find time to put a load on, or take something out of the freezer for dinner whilst I am waiting for the kettle to boil. I do drink a lot of tea when I'm at my desk though.

The only times I don't do things like that are when I am totally caught up in what I am doing, and then I sometimes lose track of time. It is often a huge surprise to me when the DC arrive home from school e.g., and I think it is still around lunchtime.

I worked from home for several years and the most I could do would be to hang the washing out. I rarely took breaks and worked much more intensively than I do from an office.

Working from home has to be treated as though you are in an office. Sometimes you may get a break, sometimes you don't. Working from a communal room is never going to work well though is it?

I work from home full time. I can sort the odd personal thing during the working day, but some days it's pretty full on. That said, sitting for hours without taking a stretch break isn't good for anyone. Getting in the washing or helping you bring in a sleeping child are good ways of making sure you move away from the desk.

His workstation should not be in a family room - that's unprofessional.

You mention him doing a bit of ironing for you. That would be an ask too far.

OP How often does he work from home? If it's every day or several days a week then I think he should be mucking in during his lunch break, screen breaks etc. If he's got time to make a complex lunch he's got time to grab the washing in.

I have the option of working from home one day a week in my job which I take BUT my mac is also in my living room where my two children under two will also be for the majority of the time my mum is looking after them (she does take them out too), and I have to say it is impossible! I have to work extra hard on the other four days to make up for the work I haven't been able to get done on the day working from home. (Before anyone tells me I'm in the wrong for this, I'm on my own with two children and this is the only way I can make childcare work for me).

Working from home in a living room when you & 2 kids are at home sounds impossible. My employer would not allow this arrangement, knowing 2 kids are in the house for the exact reasons you have outlined and there will be multiple low level interruptions.
He should be either in a separate room with the door closed, or in an empty house.
Working from home only works when you can immerse yourself 100% in the task and keep concentration

I work from home. I have an office and can shut the door if necessary.

You haven't said a) what he does or b) whether what that is makes any money.

He sounds like an utter cocklodger at the moment because nothing you've said has dissuaded me of that perspective

If he wasn't going to have time to bring the washing in, he should not have agreed to do it. Ditton bringing your sleeping son in. As it is, he had time to do the thing that he wanted to do, but claimed that his work prevented him from contributing to the smooth running of the house. That's not on - he can't have it both ways.

I agree with others that he cannot monopolise shared space when he is working from home. He needs to move out of the living room.

YANBU. I have two kids under 3. Currently on mat leave and DH works from home on average 1-3 times per month. If he can he will change the odd nappy, put some washing on, make a cuppa or take bins out. Nothing major like clean the house but he'll muck in if he's able to. He works upstairs in spare room as DS1 doesn't understand that daddy is working and can't therefore play nee naws!

I wouldn't expect anything to be done for the house. It would be nice if laundry could be taken in, but I wouldn't assume it.

However - I would also assume that he'd be working almost all the time, not faffing around doing nothing, that when not working he'd do a decent amount of housework, and that he would be in a private, quiet space that didn't intrude on family activities.

Does he have the option to GO to work? If so, he should be doing that.

I work from home and I think you are being U. It frustrates me no end when DP leaves me a list of tasks when I already have a packed schedule. And yes, sometimes I take half an hour to mess around online or listen to a podcast - as pp have said, everyone takes breaks now and then. It's unfortunate that you don't have space for him to have an office, but it's clearly not his fault! I can't imagine trying to do my job with two kids running around.

I think that the first step is to relocate the workstation. Then, see how it goes.

He's working from home, his focus needs to be on his work. I work from home but the kids aren't home when I do because I get caught up in their needs. You really need to think of him as being at work and plan accordingly. I think you're being unreasonable.

No she doesn't when she's also at home with two kids and he's commandeered the living room. He needs to find a cafe, a library or rent an office space. It's not working.

your children's home is not his office. if they have no other communal space to spend their day, hibu. Go to his bedroom. "What would you do if you were on your own?"-doesn't matter, because you aren't, he is at home. he could always structure his day to include breaks that allow him to get the most from being at home rather than the martyrdom rational of "i've only had 5 minutes to myself all day". these breaks might also do his attitude/mood wonders whilst he is at home to allow others to reap the benefits of him being at home. If working from home has no clear boundaries, he needs to work in the office, for everyones sake. If there is no office you both need to have a battle plan an boundary setting discussion so you both know what to expect from each other between 9-5. It doesnt need to be an arguement, more of "I don't think how this works currently is beneficial in the long term, this is what i expect from your time here, what is it that you expect and lets meet in the middle"

I think working from home must be really difficult. It's no good expecting him to do housework and help out when he is 'at work' even if he's at home. And having his workplace in the living room sounds absolutely unworkable. But I can see why you are a bit annoyed to find him watching TV. Maybe it was his lunch break. He'd really be better off going into work if he can and forget about working from home.

Can you fund or have room for a small shed in the back garden so he can work in a proper place away from you and the dc?

It would drive me mad too, having to deal with young children and a working husband. The dynamic is always going to cause arguments.

I would also make a list of rules, he brings in the toddler when asleep but you ensure that there is a boundary between home and work and respect etc. Ultimately short of him paying for an office elsewhere you have to make this work for all of you, and he needs to be mindful that it is hard for you as well, and help sometimes. You need to understand he is working and being paid to work.

Make up a list of rules and agree on the basics and get him out of your space if you can.

He wasn't unreasonable to use his lunchbreak to chill out. He's not your slave and wfh is usually a lot harder (if you do it properly) because you don't have the usual workplace distractions. I think you need to sort out professional out of home childcare when he works from home, if this situation is to continue.

How would you feel OP if he loudly scoffed at you when you took a short break to have a cuppa after you've done a full day of housework and childcare? You have different jobs, that need different but equal respect.

It depends on what his job is really.

And it depends on whether you view the days you have at home with the kids as work; which it usually is! If he worked out of the home and came home and commented the washing hadn't been put out or came home early and 'caught' you surfing the internet or chatting to a friend on the 'phone while the kids napped or watched Peppa Pig and he commented that you obviously weren't working/busy all day and could do a bit more housework/helping out, would you be okay with that?

If so, have a word.

Completely unreasonable, I'm afraid. You wouldn't expect him to get the washing in or break off his concentration at a second's notice to carry your toddler to bed if he were working away from home in an office.

I work from home much of the time, and during the school holidays I find it almost impossible to keep on track due to constant interruptions, even when DH and DS think they're being really considerate.

Leave him alone.

I work from home. Dh knows not to talk to me, I also don't talk to him if he is working from home. We agree in the morning what time we will meet at the front door to go for lunch. Neither of us expects the other to do anything house related during the working day. If we do it, it is off our own back. This is what works for us. We're lucky enough to be able to set up work spaces where we can shut the door. (Guest room and office)

I think you need to sort out professional out of home childcare when he works from home, if this situation is to continue.

So the children should be kicked out of home during the day because he cba to rent an office space or work in a different room?

My dad has worked 'from home' for decades.

He has always had a designated 'office' area - within the house, out in the yard, at one point a small serviced office a short walk away for a particularly busy period - and when he is in it, he is working. Only work equipment lives in that area, though he does have a radio for company.

When he emerges from the 'office' - for a tea break, for lunch, at the end of the day - he is no longer at work.

When in the office , it is as if he is out at work. No domestic tasks are asked of him and no conversation is possible (when the office was in the yard, we had an intercom system for 'calls from home to office). However, requests to time e.g. lunch, tea break, end of day to correspond to when things need doing are absolutely the norm 'Could you have your tea break at about 11.30 because the laundry is coming out then and it's good to have 2 people to hand out the heavy sheets?' [my mum is quite frail now] or 'Can you finish a bit early today to see x?'

It is successful because it treats working from home exactly like normal work, with a clear 'beginning' and 'end' of each day, and a clear demarcation between 'being available' and 'not being available'.

Your setup sounds insufficiently 'professional' to work well, because there is no separation between home life and work life, so the boundaries between the two aren't clear to either of you.