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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
AgainReally · 30/08/2017 21:34

Basically - yes.

DrHorribletookmycherry · 30/08/2017 21:37

You'll get a lot of andwers saying yabu because adults don't have to be interested in babies etc. But it is fucking rude to not ask how a child of a new parent is getting on. It doesn't even take knowledge of children to realise that's a big life change. I doubt it's a lack of social skills. It sounds as though they have either issues with you or children.
Just put those friendships out to pasture.

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:37

But they didn't even once mention her? Normally I ask people 'how are u? How are the kids' when I see them?!

OP posts:
minoandolphin · 30/08/2017 21:37

Of course not. It's basic manners surely? 'How's your Dh/Dp/Dd/Ds/whoever you live with? Good? Glad to hear it', and move on. You don't need a whole conversation about it but it's weird not to ask at all.

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:38

It's so upsetting to me as I have been friends with them for so long and I genuinely can't think of when / how I could have offended them

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 30/08/2017 21:38

Well, yes. Few people have interest in other people's children. Certainly making your excuses and leaving because others don't raise the topic is a bit precious.

Mrscropley · 30/08/2017 21:38

Maybe in their minds you are all still uni age and can't comprehend you have a dc?

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:39

Yes exactly! I am not expecting to talk the entire evening about her - I am literally suggesting a 'how are you, how are the kids' 'she's well' move on etc

OP posts:
SheSaidHeSaid · 30/08/2017 21:39

I understand why you'd be upset but in some ways YABU. Ita poor form foe them to never ask after her but your child will be far more important to you than she is to your friends.

Qcumber · 30/08/2017 21:39

I think it was rude of them to not even ask. They may not be 'interested in babies' but your dd isn't just any baby. It doesn't take a minute to ask how you're both getting on.

DontTouchTheMoustache · 30/08/2017 21:39

People without kids don't necessarily think to being it up (i.say that as one of the first in my group to have kids). It's a shame because obviously it's a big part of your life and that might be difficult for you. Did you mention her at any point? They may have thought you were trying to have a "kid free" evening.
In some ways it's a good thing as they still see you as you an individual who they love and not just someone's mum. My d's is 18montha and I love him but I definitely miss the old me and enjoy having breaks from just being "mum"

2littlemoos · 30/08/2017 21:39

I am aware of this too but I don't take it too personally. I think it's ignorance more than anything. And ill manners.

When they see them however they are very sweet to them (although don't see them too often) which is nice.

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 21:40

I would just assume someone's baby was fine unless there was reason to think otherwise and I wouldn't text to ask. I would (and do) ask generally how things are and think that would be good enough.

If they asked how you were doing, that would have been a good time to talk about your daughter. It sounds a bit like you were looking for an opportunity to be angry with them.

MagicMojito · 30/08/2017 21:41

You'll get plenty of yabu replies on this thread, however I don't think so Smile Friendship means you take an interest in each others lives, even if your actually not that bothered/interested you still make the right noises occasionally.

Passmethecrisps · 30/08/2017 21:41

I would find it very bizarre that they didn't ask. I ask how the parents and siblings of friends are if I know them well enough so I would find it very bizarre not to ask after children.

It doesn't need to be all night but a gesture of interest into a major aspect of your life seems reasonable.

sooperdooper · 30/08/2017 21:42

I think you're being melodramatic to leave early & be this upset about them not mentioning your dd, you could've mentioned her yourself, you sound a bit needy tbh

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:42

I'm really not trying to be precious! It's just they never play interest when we have been (what I thought) was very close friends for 11 years. we spoke a lot about one of the girls pregnancy but still no one asked how she was. To be honest I didn't talk much at all as I've been more and more aware / upset how they never check in about me / her since I have had her.

OP posts:
MessyBun247 · 30/08/2017 21:43

YANBU. It's just weird that they don't ask how she is. There must be other issues there. They don't have to take much interest in her, but definitely it is polite and normal to ask about your close friends about their babies when you meet up. As you say, not chatting all night about babies, just a simple 'Well how is your DD doing?'. Maybe you need to reevaluate those friendships.

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 21:44

To be honest I didn't talk much at all as I've been more and more aware / upset how they never check in about me / her since I have had her.

Are you not doing ok? You've seen them quite regularly so they probably think you're fine.

Do they text less than before? I think it is a bit much to expect friends to text to check how your baby is doing.

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:45

Thanks for your replies! I just thought it was manners to say 'how's the kids' every now and then but maybe I'm wrong! Like I said, I'm definitely not expecting to talk babies all night!

OP posts:
PeaFaceMcgee · 30/08/2017 21:45

Did they show an interest in you generally?

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:48

Purple daisies - I'm not expecting them to literally send a fresh message asking, but if we are messaging for the first time in a couple of weeks it wouldn't hurt to put how's dd every now and then?

I don't want to bring it up and cause unnecessary drama I'm not confrontational at all but can't pretend I'm not hurt by it!

OP posts:
MrsDustyBusty · 30/08/2017 21:48

I just thought it was manners to say 'how's the kids' every now and then but maybe I'm wrong!

Yeah. You see, this sounds melodramatic and huffy. Possibly there is something that your friends know you're not happy about around the whole baby topic and don't want to poke at it. I'd be very surprised that if you're sitting there for two hours getting increasingly upset over dinner to the point where you leave because nobody said what you wanted them to say, the atmosphere has gone unnoticed, even if the source isn't clear.

shushpenfold · 30/08/2017 21:48

Some people are oblivious to other people's lives and have no interest. I went out for coffee with an old work colleague a couple of years ago and we only talked about her problems/family etc. I mentioned my own family once and she changed the subject back to her again. We did it again 6 weeks later and I deliberately waited to see if she would mention or ask about ANYTHING to do with me. Not a dickie bird. I gave up and haven't seen her since.

Jakeyboy1 · 30/08/2017 21:48

One of my best friends didn't ring me for 3 weeks after my eldest was born (I had rang her and left messages!) Interest then went downhill apart from when she needed a bridesmaid. I do think people just don't comprehend how much your life has changed and also I think you really learn who is a genuine friend.