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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:

Original poster

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 22:36

No im upset because they have played barely any interest in her or me since she was born. Yet I've made every effort to regularly message them etc and check in with their lives. Thanks to the other 'first mum in the group' who have replied it's a difficult place to be in. Trying to pretend to be interested in the things you were before when in realit my life has changed tones! Some acknowledgement from them wouldn't go a miss!

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 30/08/2017 22:36

It was uncaring of them not yo ask after your baby, but wait until your friend has her baby, see what happens then. If nobody asks after her baby either, then you know it's not personal!

Trills · 30/08/2017 22:37

I agree that you sound melodramatic and huffy.

Were there long gaps in the conversation?

Are you expecting someone to stop the naturally-flowing conversation in order to do a round of "how are you and any other people who live in your house?" for each person there?

formerbabe · 30/08/2017 22:38

You were so upset that your friends treated you as the same individual person that you've always been that you up and left?

Nonsense. Besides the op maybe the same person, but they are the same person who is now a mother and has a baby who no doubt is the centre of their world. Therefore it is rude to not even acknowledge this fact by asking how the baby is.

Original poster

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 22:39

Maybe the group dynamics will change as more babies come along! I would like to think I'm not one of those people who sit at a dinner table and talk about themselves/their kids the whole time, maybe I should be one of those people then I wouldn't feel like this! Ha!

OP posts:

ffffffsake · 30/08/2017 22:41

I suppose it could be considered rude to some but I'd call it honest. I couldn't muster interest in the kids of friends I only see that often if you paid me. I don't expect them to care about mine either.

It's different to friends who I see every week who have a relationship with my kid and me with theirs.

Get over yourself. Your kid is boring to them.

grandOlejukeofYork · 30/08/2017 22:41

Centre of the parents world, maybe, but not anyone elses. Other people's children are the dullest thing ever. If you ask how the baby is, what are you going to get? Either "fine thanks" ( well you can assume that because mother will tell you otherwise or you get long complicated stories about weaning and sleep patterns and teeth, none of which you actually care about.

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 22:42

PS for anyone who doesn't ask their friends how their kids are - I'm so glad I don't know you

And I'm glad my friends are sitting around pissed off at me for something I didn't even know I've done wrong. You sound seriously high maintenance here.

formerbabe · 30/08/2017 22:44

Such nasty comments on here. Honestly, back in the real world, it really is the polite thing to enquire about how someones children are, especially if they are a baby and the mum is a first time mum.

Dahlietta · 30/08/2017 22:45

Indeed, formerbabe, and besides, my friends do ask about my family members (parents/sister), including some friends who have never actually met them!
OP, of course YANBU. As you said, if you can take an interest in their work (I agree, massively tedious), they could at least manage to ask after your baby.

GreenTulips · 30/08/2017 22:45

PS for anyone who doesn't ask their friends how their kids are - I'm so glad I don't know you

But you are friends with these people

Illstartexercisingtomorrow · 30/08/2017 22:46

Some odd responses on here.

In what world would anyone be ok with people they consider close friends not asking after their baby?

I was the first mum in the group. My friends always asked after her whenever we spoke. We didn't speak or meet that much but for sure they always asked. I would not want friends who did not eve have that basic courtesy. Boring or not - if a person is important to you then you show a basic interest in the biggest event of their life.

Op it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks. If your friends' behaviour upsets you then you need to deal with it. Either you tell one of them (the closest) how you feel in non accusatory tones or move on to new friends.

greendale17 · 30/08/2017 22:46

YANBU- it is basic manners and I just don't understand how they wouldn't even ask how you and baby are getting along.

They obviously don't give a toss and it would make me question their friendship

grandOlejukeofYork · 30/08/2017 22:46

PS for anyone who doesn't ask their friends how their kids are - I'm so glad I don't know you

Because you already have so many friends just like us?

AcrossthePond55 · 30/08/2017 22:47

A conversation between child-with and child-free friends should go as follows:

Child free friend: "How are you Parttime and how is little Precious?"
You: "She's great, she just cut a tooth (OR) rolled over for the first time (OR) started crawling. How are you and partner/dog/cat doing?"

If your response to the question is a list of child's accomplishments, ailments, or multiple anecdotes, then that's why your friends aren't asking. Not saying you're doing that, just saying to give a mental review of past conversations. If you don't do it, then they're rude. If you do, then stop.

I'm a parent, I did it. I learnt not to when my friends started having children and I realized what a conversation killer it was. Nothing is more boring after a short while than another person's child.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 22:47

No, you are not being unreasonable.

I am interested in anything that is happening in my friends' lives - from their babies to their new job to their elderly parents' issues to their local environmental issue or scandal at their workplace or whatever. Isn't that what friends do - express at least a little interest in the major things in their friends lives?

Well yes but "how is your mum's doing?" when mum has cancer or alzheimers isn't going to get a great response either - do you avoid those questions too? How is that friendship?

If you ask someone how their job is going and you get a blow by blow on how samantha isn't a team player and it is undermining your project it isn't exactly riveting either.

How's the baby? and a polite listen to the parent saying "a little bitch" or "sweetest thing ever" plus or minus a few sentences won't kill you surely. But not bothering to ask about the most significant human being in your friend's life might possibly kill your friendship.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 30/08/2017 22:47

You've had some rather weird replies on here OP (and I've only read 4!) I think your friends are being really bloddy rude, and I would ditch them to be honest. If they can't muster up the decency to ask to see a photo or ask how your baby is then they can eff off IMO. Not nice friends.

sweatylemon · 30/08/2017 22:48

yes

LellyMcKelly · 30/08/2017 22:49

To be fair, before I had kids, I had literally zero interest in anyone else's. You can see how their kids are doing because there's 5 million photos on Facebook of them every day (and I'm guilty of that too).

TakemedowntoPotatoCity · 30/08/2017 22:49

I expect they will change once they have kids. From my own point of view when I see old uni friends I find it takes me quite a while to sort of 'click' again as my life is so different now, and sometimes I can feel put out, as if they don't give a shit. Eventually something shifts and we do have a good laugh and I am reminded of how things were and the fun we had. When I go home I feel weird, like a different person for a while till I get used to home life again!
So what I think is it's understandable you are upset but I don't think they are being intentionally mean.

Copperbeech33 · 30/08/2017 22:49

YABU the day to day details are of no interest to them, and they presumably know nothing life threatening is happening, or they would have heard

greendale17 · 30/08/2017 22:50

I disagree- they are being uncaring and rude.

Original poster

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 22:50

Purple daisies - high maintenance would have raised this with them months ago but I don't want to cause drama hence will just leave it. When I say I left the meal I didn't storm out I made my excuses and left - had already been there couple of hours.

From very close long friends I had just hoped they were as interested in my life as I am in there's. Im sure when they have kids we will be more on the same wave length again. I don't think they are doing this 'personal' to me I had just hoped they were more interested in my life and my baby who is yes my world.

Luckily I've got lots of other friends with kids too who maybe I have far more in common with now.

OP posts:

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 22:53

Purple daisies - high maintenance would have raised this with them months ago but I don't want to cause drama hence will just leave it.

That wouldn't have been high maintenance, it would have been the grown up thing to do. Don't friends tell each other when they're upset? You seen to prefer to for angry with them and expect them to magically guess what the issue is, which is where I think the high maintenance comes in.

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/08/2017 22:58

She just isnt on their radar and the pregnant one is just wrapped up in her baby and wont be thinking about yours.

I do think it was a bit precious to get so upset about it that you had to leave.

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