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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
CallySinammon · 30/08/2017 23:02

Well I'm not a parent but when meeting up with a friend who's a relatively new parent I think it's really rude to not even ask after their baby and make a few 'awww how cute' kinds of noises. Then order the wine and on with the meal!

ruthsmumkath · 30/08/2017 23:03

I think YABU - I probably wouldn't ask someone or expect someone to ask about my dc - if I ever got away from them I'd talk about anything else.

CallySinammon · 30/08/2017 23:04

Same as if they'd had any kind of big life change i.e new job, new relationship, moved to a new city etc.

ShotsFired · 30/08/2017 23:05

I don't mean to upset you, but one possible reason is that they're afraid that once they start you off by asking, that'll be the whole night gone with baby talk?

(I had a friend like this and I would try and avoid the b-word at all costs as just a simple "hope the family are keeping well", would end all two way chat in favour of a non stop baby monologue.)

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 30/08/2017 23:06

I can't imagine being friends with someone and avoiding certain topics of conversation because they might talk about it for longer than I'd like them to. Sounds exhausting just trying to navigate a conversation.

If someone wants to talk about something for a long time, I assume they're very passionate about it and I want to hear about it. If that topic dominates every conversation to the extent that no-one else can get a word in edgewise every single time, that would tell me something about the personality of that person and I'd reconsider the friendship.

But thinking "I won't ask how someone's DC are just in case she tells me how they're doing at school"? Why are you friends with people if you have no interest in the things they care about?

PollyFlint · 30/08/2017 23:07

Your baby is 9 months old and, presumably, perfectly healthy. What is there to ask about her, really? If it was an older child I might ask how they were enjoying school or whether they were settled at nursery or whatever, but I honestly couldn't think of anything to ask about a baby. They don't really do anything that is of any interest to anyone except other parents of similarly aged babies. If you're talking to friends who also have babies then you can chat about weaning and whether they're sitting up and whatever, but non-parents are unlikely to even think of those things - and why should they, really?

I always ask my friends with babies how THEY are and whether they're managing to get any sleep or whatever, and obviously that might then lead to a chat about teething or colic and I'd be sympathetic and interested, but I don't say separately 'And how is Baby Child?' because I would simply assume that Baby Child was perfectly fine unless I'd been told otherwise.

I like babies. I like seeing pictures of my friends' babies on Facebook. I will happily cuddle babies and will happily listen to my friends talking about them if they want to. But I kind of assume my friends to be individual human beings and not an extension of their babies, so when I see them, it's them I'm interested in rather than their kids. And to be honest, a lot of parents really appreciate that and don't want their entire existence to be framed around being mummy, and relish the chance to talk about something other than the child for a change.

I'm afraid YABU and a bit needy and precious. Your daughter is, quite naturally, the centre of your universe. But you can't expect her to be foremost in everyone else's mind and you certainly can't expect everyone to dance to your tune and ask exactly the questions you want to be asked. If you don't like your friends' behaviour, find some new ones, but don't expect them to suddenly develop an interest in babies just because you've had one.

SoliviaHope · 30/08/2017 23:07

YANBU it's common decency to ask.

WiganPierre · 30/08/2017 23:10

YABU. If they asked how you are that includes the baby. You do sound very sensitive if you actually left early because no one was asking you rapturous questions about your baby and listening agog about baby's first diarrhoea etc. Babies are boring and your friends probably don't give it a thought, they're not trying to be mean.

BakedBeans47 · 30/08/2017 23:14

YANBU

it is in no way unreasonable to expect long standing close friends to at least ask how you and the baby are doing. I know a lot of people aren't interested in children until they get their own but asking "how's xxx doing?" Is hardly too much to expect

Mittens1969 · 30/08/2017 23:17

Interesting, this is very polarised. When I was single and childless I was always interested in my friends' children so I always asked how they were doing, and was quite happy to hear about them.

I think what strikes me is that the OP is feeling that her friends have distanced themselves from her and this is why she's upset about it.

SpareChangeDownTheSofa · 30/08/2017 23:18

Do you tend to go on and on when she's brought up? The way you're being a little PFB makes me think you might.

Maybe they want to avoid you going off on a tangent and going on about your baby so don't want to mention the topic.

AtrociousCircumstance · 30/08/2017 23:21

Anyone who thinks it's precious of you to hope that close friends would ask after your child must be used to 'conversations' in a closed, narcissistic loop.

When you are friends with someone, you naturally care about what is happening in their lives and ask about it. You show an interest because you are interested.

Your friends sound self absorbed. Lacking in empathy and imagination. YANBU.

wheresmyphone · 30/08/2017 23:23

To be honest, I think you are being a little unreasonable. Your friends are your friends. They didn't ask to be your childs friend. Even worse its a baby. Boring!

I have 4 kids. They are my business. I hope my friends are interested in me; not my kids.

minipie · 30/08/2017 23:27

I would just assume the 'How are you?' includes the baby, tbh.

This exactly. As long as they asked how you were doing then I think it's a bit much expecting them to ask after the baby as well.

BeepBeepMOVE · 30/08/2017 23:27

They are friends with you not your baby.

Other peoples kids are boring.

Did you ask after all of their families?

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:30

I don't expect my friends to ever ask about my children. If they do, I'm always a little bit, "oh yeah, they're ok thanks" but I don't go into details.

I'm not sure I ever ask general "how are the kids?" questions either.

If there's something specific - starting school; A Level results; they've had an operation... then I probably would then and a couple of people have asked me in those circumstances, but otherwise...

2rebecca · 30/08/2017 23:32

I only ask about friends' kids if I'm genuinely interested because i know the kids or they've been ill or something.
Most of my cycling friends have never met my teenage/ student kids and don't ask after them because they don't know them. Some of them maybe don't know I have kids.
If all you are going to reply is "they are fine" it seems a pointless question and they'll only be interested in a long drawn out answer if they have young kids of their own/ have met the kids.
It's like only people who know my husband ask after him. Does it bother you if people don't ask after your husband? You are not just your kids' mother.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:33

Luckily I've got lots of other friends with kids too who maybe I have far more in common with now.

Of course you have new friends who also have children now, but don't disregard your child free friends so easily. It's really fun sometimes to go out with people who aren't also carrying a nappy bag and whose conversation is dominated by milestones and ITNG. Not that there's anything wrong with those things!

But sometimes, it's nice to remember who you were before the baby came along.

You might not be feeling that yet because your baby is so young, but you might one day end up regretting disgarding them so easily over something that isn't all that important in the grand scheme of things.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:35

Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

Tbh, they might have just assumed you were grateful to have a childfree night where your conversation wasn't dominated by a 9 month old and thought they'd talk to you about other things instead

And if the pregnant one was going on a bit, she'd probably exhausted all of the Other People's Children goodwill! Wink

I do think you were a little bit precious to leave. If I'm honest...

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:36

discard not disgard. It's late. I've had beer...

SteelyTesticlesOfObjectivity · 30/08/2017 23:37

You ask because it's polite, you also ask because if you say the baby is up all night and colicky it means you are not oK and they should care about you

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 23:39

You ask because it's polite, you also ask because if you say the baby is up all night and colicky it means you are not oK and they should care about you

That would be covered by "how are you doing?" There doesn't need to be a specific question about the baby.

FloweryTeapot · 30/08/2017 23:40

If the rest of the group don't have children, then it's not even on their radar as a topic of conversation. When you think about it, 'How is your baby?' is quite an odd question from the point of view of one who is unfamiliar with the ins and outs of birth to toddlerhood.

From the point of view of a new Mum it might seem as if the child's existence is being ignored - but I think it's just that people who don't have babies simply don't think to ask, any more than they would ask how your mother is, providing she hasn't had a recent accident or illness that they know about.
I can see it from both sides, a little bit, but I'm more inclined to think YABU for getting so upset about it that you actually left.
I have 3 grown up DDs, no GC, and I still think other people's babies are boring - although I've matured enough by now to know it's civil to ask. (And I can almost guarantee that the phone will come out and I will be invited to scroll through a hundred almost identical photos, wondering how fast I can acceptably flick through them without appearing rude. YAB a bit U

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 23:42

There doesn't need to be a specific question about the baby.

Like for real? You really meet your friends and say "how are you?" and that covers everything and the same from them to you? No mention of an ill mother or a stroppy sister or a weird colleague or a husband going for a new job?? How does your friend know you are kind of interested in her actual life? Or is it only babies who are excluded?

Yet another instance where MN life differs wildly from my own experience of how people interact in real life.

Mittens1969 · 30/08/2017 23:43

Strangely I never thought talking about children was boring, although I didn't have all that much to do with them and wasn't particularly broody before I got married. And friends generally did talk about their children, and about other things too, like their jobs.

I don't get why people have such a problem with talking about children, obviously not in too much detail. If you're meeting up, you want to know how everyone is doing surely? I'm interested in what's going on in my friends' lives basically.

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