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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 23:44

What I meant was the question "how are you?" to someone up all night with a colicky baby is likely to lead to them telling you about it. I to talk to my friends about their children because it comes up naturally in conversation, not because anyone specifically says "how is the baby" which is what the op seems to want.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:45

You ask because it's polite, you also ask because if you say the baby is up all night and colicky it means you are not oK and they should care about you

But before I had children, I had no idea what a 'colicky baby' was and, frankly, didn't really care. I wouldn't have understood that that meant the parent was not alright, for whatever reason.

Child free people generally don't have much knowledge of the finer workings of babies, nor much interest.

If they don't have children themselves, and don't know anyone else who does, it might not even occur to them that the OP would expect to be asked.

Most would, I think, expect "how are you?" or "how's things?" or "how is everything going?" or, well, any other salutation, to cover the baby too.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:48

But an ill parent or a husband going for a new job is different to a generic "how's the baby?" question. You're asking for a particular reason. You wouldn't normally ask.

And, frankly, babies are boring. They're even more boring when you don't have one!

FloweryTeapot · 30/08/2017 23:50

If they don't have children themselves, and don't know anyone else who does, it might not even occur to them that the OP would expect to be asked

Most would, I think, expect "how are you?" or "how's things?" or "how is everything going?" or, well, any other salutation, to cover the baby too

Exactly this.

Pallisers · 30/08/2017 23:52

ill parents or job-hunting husbands who aren't your own aren't exactly riveting conversation either (I would find babies more interesting than someone else's husband)

I guess it comes down to the friendship. Because any of my close friends - I just can't imagine not asking after what is important in their lives - babies, elderly parents, jobs, husbands, etc. -and we are well past babies and much more into elderly widowed parents.

But if it is a group who get together to have a bit of a laugh, eat pizza, drink a glass of wine and talk about superficial stuff - well that is different. But those aren't close friends.

Trollspoopglitter · 30/08/2017 23:53

"What's new?"

Are you able to answer without mentioning your baby? I couldn't while on maternity leave. It made me a boring old conversation fart and I held up my hand and feeely took the piss out of myself.

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:56

ill parents or job-hunting husbands who aren't your own aren't exactly riveting conversation either (I would find babies more interesting than someone else's husband)

Maybe you are, in which case, you would be the sort of person who would ask about the baby specifically.

But, that the OP's old university friends didn't ask, means they are not.

I still think there is value in having friends who will ask about your baby and with whom you can share the highs and lows of parenting, and in having friends who you can be 'you' with.

Blondeshavemorefun · 30/08/2017 23:57

Sits on fence firmly pulling out splinters

If old good friends they should ask how's baby - even if they don't give a toss, it's polite

On the other hand maybe they think you want some time out and don't want to talk 'mum stuff'

Mention your dc next time. See what their reactions are

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:57

That probably doesn't make sense. I'm tired. You know what I mean though..!

IfYouHappenToSee · 30/08/2017 23:58

On the other hand maybe they think you want some time out and don't want to talk 'mum stuff'

I'd suspect it's that, if I'm honest. And they probably don't want to talk 'mum stuff' either.

passmethewineplease · 31/08/2017 00:05

YANBU OP.

If a life changing event happened in my friends life be it big promotion or child or marriage I'd certainly ask them about it.

It just seems normal to me.

OP didn't slam down her cutlery and leave in a huff she quietly made her excuses (after a good couple of hours) and left.

You may find you will have more in common with those who have children now OP. It's just natural progression IMO.

theftbyfinding · 31/08/2017 00:08

YABU

When my ds was a few days old, best friend and her bf arrived with a case of beer and three bottles of wine 'to wet the baby's head'. I was a zombie from lack of sleep for five days, sitting with a manual and electronic breast pump on both boobs. They simply didnt get it. I didn't blame them one iota, although DH sent them packing.

When you have kids and friends don't, there's a change in the common ground. It's natural. If they asked after your dd, it would only be false politeness rather than genuine interest. Why can't we face the truth?

mctat · 31/08/2017 00:19

'I do think people just don't comprehend how much your life has changed and also I think you really learn who is a genuine friend.'

I have certainly found this to be true - however to not even ask a quick 'how is dd' i agree is pretty shocking!

user1492324666 · 31/08/2017 00:20

I agree with shush - most people I meet are not remotely interested in anything but themselves. Very sad, but true.

Rubies12345 · 31/08/2017 00:22

So did they contact you after you gave birth to see if you were ok?

Mittens1969 · 31/08/2017 00:23

But an ill parent or a husband going for a new job is different to a generic "how's the baby?" question. You're asking for a particular reason. You wouldn't normally ask.

And, frankly, babies are boring. They're even more boring when you don't have one!**

See, there I just don't identify with this. I never found it boring to talk about friends' babies. Ok, I wouldn't have wanted a long discussion about sleep training or colic, but I wouldn't want to spend the whole evening hearing all about a friend's medical studies either.

It's a chance to catch up, and a friend's baby is part of that.

Forheavenssake · 31/08/2017 00:27

Sad to say but you loose friends after having children I'm not sure why especially if your the first one.
Don't worry too much.
My own mother has only seen my daughter once and she's 2 very soon. Some people just don't care much.

Forheavenssake · 31/08/2017 00:33

I also had a very very close friend (almost 15 years)
Who I support with her 1st was god mother to her oldest. Visited hours after birth! Gave money for big cake at Christening helped out as much as she needed me too. But when my baby was born she's never ONCE come to see her! Asked how she is ! So now I don't bother at all it's sad but I suppose people have their own lives. Iv always been a good friend I think people don't know what real friendship is.

Pallisers · 31/08/2017 00:35

When my ds was a few days old, best friend and her bf arrived with a case of beer and three bottles of wine 'to wet the baby's head'. I was a zombie from lack of sleep for five days, sitting with a manual and electronic breast pump on both boobs. They simply didnt get it. I didn't blame them one iota, although DH sent them packing.

really - friends arriving over for a drinking session with an absolutely newborn baby? They are either thick or not friends or both.

theftbyfinding · 31/08/2017 00:48

They were, or at least, she was, a very good friend. Still is. She laughs about it now, in mortification, as she has her own dc now. But we'd gone from party animals, with me saying 'it won't change me, I'm still going to be the same person' and all that trope and she clearly believed it. I did myself until the birth. But of course motherhood is a shock to the system and it wasn't her system that changed.

SkylarFalls · 31/08/2017 00:55

You didn't talk to them so they didn't talk to you.
It kinda works both ways.. you ask them about what's going on in their lives then they ask you back about what's going on in yours (your baby at this point)

But you can't expect it to just work one way

ThrowtheKettleon · 31/08/2017 01:05

Yanbu. I have a "best" friend an she never says anything about my dd, it has put me off her slightly over the years. It takes seconds to ask how/she is, she asked what I was doing a few weeks ago on the weekend, I said planning dd birthday, she completely ignored it and changed subject. I'm not one to talk kids all evening but even if i didn't have ons myself and she did i would still give a shit and be like Aww she's grown up so quickly etc! It's not hard

SilverBirchTree · 31/08/2017 01:11

You sound a bit tedious OP.

If you're in a group catch up, you're hardly going to cover every aspect of each other's lives during a dinner. Especially when other people are in the midst of interesting life events (heavily pregnant, new job, breaking up with boyfriend etc). Those are simply more relevant and pressing to old friends than a business as usual 'DD is now 9 months not 8 months old' updates.

If your baby was sick or something then I would expect them to ask about her, but that's not the case? & they asked how you are - you are their friend, not DD.

Did you really sit there sulking and then flounce out early? I think you were way ruder than them.

NYConcreteJungle · 31/08/2017 01:17

YANBU, I think it's odd not to discuss loved ones with friends.

SilverBirchTree · 31/08/2017 01:27

Also the fact that OP chooses to refer to herself as 'Mummy' in her screename here (on mumsnet), suggests that maybe she has a lack of identity outside of being a parent at the moment... is that what's bothering you? DD is your whole life (in your mind) so you feel personally and profoundly negated by your friends when she isn't brought up?

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