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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
Hepzibar · 30/08/2017 22:12

Oh dear God I would never ask friends how their children are - they might tell me!

OP there is nothing more boring than other people's children. For Gods sake get over yourself.

YABU

GreenTulips · 30/08/2017 22:13

But they are your friends - not your child's

I loved being with childless friends where I could just be me and not even think about home - just for a few hours

Mumof56 · 30/08/2017 22:14

They're friends with you, not your child. Did they ask how your mother/father/siblings/partner/any other family where? I guess not, reason being they are not thier friends.

YABU

Leeds2 · 30/08/2017 22:15

I think they should've asked after your baby. Even if they weren't that interested. It is just what you do.

expatinscotland · 30/08/2017 22:15

I have to be honest, before I had kids myself, I found them boring beyond belief. I wouldn't have asked about yours. Probably would have sent a card and a wee gift when she was born and did as they have done, a message every now and again.

Thurlow · 30/08/2017 22:15

with really good friends you don't need to stick to polite conversation or boring conversation starters.

See, I don't see them as "boring conversation starters". They're my friends. I might not be madly interested in their job or their hobby or their pets, but I'll still ask because they might have something they feel is important they want to share about it.

weeblueberry · 30/08/2017 22:16

They might also have worried if they asked after the baby you'd go on and on about him/her most of the evening and were possibly trying to avoid that?

Petalflowers · 30/08/2017 22:16

I wouldn't necessarily expect the friends to ask about dc, and would assume that the initial 'how are you' would encompass the whole family.

Also, since you have had the baby, your lives are at different stages. You are a mum, and your DC is the centre of,your attention. They are still at the child-free stage. Often non-parents don't realise how encompassing children are.

Maybe it was one of those situations when someone did intend to say something, but then the conversation moved onto something else.

I think you were a little OTT stewing about Their lack of interest and leaving early.

mumeeee · 30/08/2017 22:16

Sorry. I'm another poster who thinks Yabu. Your friends asked how you were they probably just didn't think about your baby.
You could have just mentioned her yourselves

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 22:16

I'll still ask because they might have something they feel is important they want to share about it.

With good friends you don't need to ask them if they've got something important to share-they just tell you.

sonjadog · 30/08/2017 22:18

YANBU. I don´t have kids and am really not interested in babies. But I ask my friends how their kids are because I know they are important to them and a big part of their lives. That´s what friends do.

Mummaofboys · 30/08/2017 22:18

It's not very kind of them, I'm sure they don't not ask on purpose or to upset you. I think this is one of many reasons why friends without children become less close.

Thurlow · 30/08/2017 22:19

If they don't have children they may find talking about babies boring and want to avoid a long chat about the baby too!

So conversations with friends should only be driven by what you find interesting, not what is important in your friend's life?

Most of us work, many of us have kids, both take up huge amounts of time. If one person starts saying, I don't want to talk about work because I find it boring, and the other days they don't want to talk about kids because they find them boring, and then a third says let's not talk about hobbies because I find them boring, where's the conversation going then?

formerbabe · 30/08/2017 22:20

Yanbu. It is rude. If I see my friends, I'll ask how their DC are if they have them. Most don't so I ask how their partners, parents and siblings are. They do the same to me. It's basic manners and showing some interest in other people's lives.

Thurlow · 30/08/2017 22:21

With good friends you don't need to ask them if they've got something important to share-they just tell you.

So considering these friends have shown no real interest in the baby, and don't ask about them, you wouldn't consider it equally 'precious' if she suddenly blurted out lots of stuff about her child? Which according to some people they don't want to hear about anyway because they are boring? How does that one work?

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 22:24

So considering these friends have shown no real interest in the baby, and don't ask about them, you wouldn't consider it equally 'precious' if she suddenly blurted out lots of stuff about her child?

No I wouldn't consider it precious at all, I'd be interested and talk about it with her. It's the waiting to be asked so she can be angry with her friends that I've got an issue with.

None of my friends specifically ask about how my husband is but if there were an issue I'd tell them. I don't expect them to have to be on their best manners or be mind readers.

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 22:28

I'm glad some people agree with me. If this was a one-off I wouldn't have bothered been upset over it - as yes, none of them have kids. But they ARE meant to be close friends, so I don't feel like a d*ck for being upset they NEVER play any slight interest. In reality do I care about their work? Not massively! Do I ask? YES because I know it's important to them

They don't have kids, fair, but its rude to not at least say 'how's the baby' once in a while. And some people saying I should have mentioned her myself yet in the same breath saying people bang on about their kids - hence why I didn't bring her up particularly as they've already made it pretty clear they aren't interested!!

I won't bother saying anything to them it's not worth the drama but for now I will see more of my friends that are more interested in my life (as I am in there's)

OP posts:
OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 30/08/2017 22:29

YANBU. It's rude.

I was the first of our friends to have a baby, and I did it while we were all still at uni. None of my friends were at the baby stage, or even the "remotely interested in babies" stage (they still aren't and we're all 23/24 now Grin ), but the first thing they'd ask when I walked into class was "how's MiniOvaries"; when they message me now they ask "how's MiniOvaries", in the same way that I ask how they're doing, how their work is going. Not being interested in DC, or being at a different life stage, is no excuse for rudeness.

Your baby is part of your life in the same way that work, travel, relationships, whatever is part of your friends' lives, and YANBU at all to be upset that they don't acknowledge that and at least ask you how she is.

jamie2 · 30/08/2017 22:29

Before I had children most of my friends were also childless and it was. very exciting to meet uo with them and talk about old times. I remember finding babytalk reallly boring. One friend had a baby but it barely registered with me as her new world was alien to me

PenguinsAreAce · 30/08/2017 22:30

I don't know if YABU or not. What I do know is that being the first from a Friendship group to have kids is incredibly hard. It was similar for me. My whole world was upside down and consumed with this tiny person who took up every waking hour (and half the night too!). Their lives carried on. They had not changed, yet I and my life were radically different. 5-10yrs later with kids of their own they suddenly 'got it'. A little late really.

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 22:30

PS for anyone who doesn't ask their friends how their kids are - I'm so glad I don't know you

OP posts:
fc301 · 30/08/2017 22:31

OP you are seeing this all from your side. Imagine for a moment that one or maybe more of your friends envy you. Maybe they do not have a stable relationship. Maybe they are desperate for a child but lack the confidence to discuss this.
You say these people are good friends...

Robots1Humans0 · 30/08/2017 22:31

I have had this exact conversation recently OP. Some people are humble and take interest in others lives, other people just want to talk about themselves and what interests them. I understand completely how frustrating it is as a new mum for friends to not even ask how you and your little one are doing, when you spend so much effort trying to keep up with your mates and what they're doing during such a big life change. I think it's just because your lives are in such different places. I wouldn't take it personally, but I totally get it.

grandOlejukeofYork · 30/08/2017 22:31

You were so upset that your friends treated you as the same individual person that you've always been that you up and left?

How....needy. That's one way to lose friends, anyway.

formerbabe · 30/08/2017 22:35

They're friends with you, not your child. Did they ask how your mother/father/siblings/partner/any other family where? I guess not, reason being they are not thier friends

In what world does anyone think like this?! Confused.