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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
Skarossinkplunger · 31/08/2017 20:13

I actively avoid the question when out with my friends who have children, because to be honest the answers bore me stupid. Plus I work with kids so I don't want to talk about them in my spare time.

Leaving because you were upset just makes you look ridiculous.

Skarossinkplunger · 31/08/2017 20:15

Plus I find women who have nothing to talk about apart from babies and diets extremely tedious.

sweetbitter · 31/08/2017 20:16

YANBU. I don't have kids and dislike a lot of baby talk, but it is plain rude and uncaring as a friend not to mention or ask how another friend's baby is doing over the course of an evening together.

Stressedoutandfedup · 31/08/2017 21:19

Yanbu I would expect at the very least a few questions about how your dc is etc. Just out of politeness and to show an interest in your life.

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2017 22:44

Anyone saying "babies are boring" are missing the point and exposing themselves as the kind of self-absorbed, superficial perma-acquaintances who don't understand why they should cease their monologue to ask a question about their friend's life.

It's not about babies. This thread is about people who ignore significant things in their friends lives.

I also think there is a little bit of internalised misogyny going on here. The 'cool girl' shit.

Too cool to ask your friend about babies, yeah?

OP YANBU.

Skarossinkplunger · 31/08/2017 23:05

You have babies, don't you Atrocious?

AtrociousCircumstance · 31/08/2017 23:09

Way to miss the point Ska Grin You super cool girl, you.

formerbabe · 31/08/2017 23:13

Seeing as this is mumsnet, a high percentage of posters will currently have babies or have had babies...

Personally I hate the "babies are boring" comments. It's horribly dismissive.

2rebecca · 31/08/2017 23:20

Lots of people making judgements about a group of people they've never met. it sounds like it was a fairly large group who meet up infrequently and have loads to chat about when they do, completely different to meeting up with 1 friend when children probably would come up at some point.
If no-one else has kids and kids have never really been a topic of conversation before they probably just stuck to talking about stuff they all had experience of or could talk about rather than discussing each others relatives who they may not have met.
People who want to talk about their kids and each others kids aren't better less self absorbed people than those who want to talk about politics and their jobs.
The OP could have talked about her baby but she'd have been pretty much giving a monologue as if no-one else has kids they can't join in. Group conversation is often different to 1 to 1 conversation.

mamamalt · 31/08/2017 23:24

Oh my jees. I cannot believe how many people are sitting on the fence on this.
Not only is it bloody unreasonable. It's down right rude. How are they your friends?! Never mind the baby (sorry! Congratulations!) but what about you?!?
You are a new mum and some of your oldest and bestest friends can't ask how you and your daughter are getting on?!
I think I feel you so hard because I have a son who is about to turn one and have gone through the same thing. Some people are just totally self absorbed and there is no excusing it. It's not about the child thing it's about the being a good friend thing.
Hope you're ok

Skarossinkplunger · 01/09/2017 07:10

No dear, I rather think I got that point with a direct bullseye.

acapellagirl · 01/09/2017 07:21

I can sympathise cos I had a 'friend' who took me for grated, was domineering, would forget about my birthday but big up hers. I got wise and dumped her. I was wondering if you had these feelings with the group before the baby was born.were you on the periphery?

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/09/2017 07:24

Ska do you see how your response might reflect the internalised misogyny I mentioned? Because it depends upon me saying I do have kids, and therefore my point is (in your eyes) devalued?

To simplify my point for you, I think friends who don't ask others about big life events are often totally self-absorbed, which isn't a great quality in a friend. It's not about the subject (babies or not).

KERALA1 · 01/09/2017 07:53

Yanbu. Agree with atrocious. Are they me me me types who spent all evening bitching about work colleagues you don't know?

Basic manners and kindness to mention a big thing in friends life be it new baby, ill mother or purchase of motor home. Unless you are a self absorbed ill mannered dick in which case you bang on about your own concerns ad nauseum.

SilverBirchTree · 01/09/2017 08:18

A lot of PP telling OP to dump these friends. I think that's short sighted. At this point in time, OP is all about the baby, but she won't always be. DD will get more independent every day. OP might wake up a few years (or decades) from now with more time and headspace, finding she would really like a group of diverse and interesting friends to talk politics/art/uni days/ etc with. But if she's pushed her non-mummy friends by the wayside because they didn't suit her at this unique and brief life stage, they won't be there when she needs them.

Not every friend can meet your every emotional need all the time. That friend who hated baby talk in 2017 might be your favourite person to travel/ taste wine/ discuss books with in 2037.

IfYouHappenToSee · 01/09/2017 08:25

Exactly, Silver.

I find that I have different friends who meet very different emotional and intellectual needs.

Nikephorus · 01/09/2017 08:29

As an especially gifted human being with superior social skills, I can remember the important things in all of my friends lives, and ask them about them when I see them.
One on one yes. But this was a GROUP situation. Do you (and all the others who have that p.o.v) seriously ask each & every member of a group who they and their families, their pets, their great aunt Betty with the bad back and next door neighbour Sally whose husband had an affair are when you arrive? You couldn't. It would be rude because every other conversation would have to stop for you to go round the group one after another. More likely that you'd smile, nod, do a vague "hi" and then join in. Some people you'd get the chance to ask on a sitting-next-to chatting basis, some you wouldn't. And if conversation remained on a group basis then it depends which direction it flows - it might be work, study, holidays, politics, whatever. But you don't sit there waiting for someone to ask about your goldfish or your child, important to you as they may be. Save that for your one on one meet-ups where you do cover more areas of your life. Or better still, join in the conversation & see where it goes naturally.

Trills · 01/09/2017 08:31

Sitting there silently seething that you haven't been asked about something that you haven't seen as important/interesting/relevant enough to bring up in a conversation is just a bit weird unless you're trying to 'test' your friends in some way.

I agree with Althelights (above) and SilverBirch (below).
The topic did not come up. She could have raised the topic if she wished.

Nothing in OP's thread suggests they were refusing to discuss the baby or had banned OP from mentioning it. Its a group of old friends, not a formal meeting with a fixed agenda, she could have jumped in at any point to share photos or tell a cute story.

SilverBirchTree · 01/09/2017 08:42

Atrocious yours is an interesting take. Can I ask if you have a view on whether the expectation that the group should ask about the baby is a gendered one?

Would PPs condemn a group of men for failing to ask their Dad friend about a 9 month old baby?

I see what you're saying about society dismissing mothers, but isn't it equally anti-feminist to say that women who aren't conforming to society's expectation that they show interest in babies are heartless & cold?

InDubiousBattle · 01/09/2017 08:44

I don't think op should dump her friends either silver I think she should talk to them about how hurtful it is for her that they don't ever mention or ask after her baby. Do you really separate friends into 'mummy' (boring, self/baby obsessed)and 'non-mummy' (diverse and interesting)?

Ska how would you react if a friend of many years was a bit upset by you never asking about their children? Would you seriously just say that you find children boring and people who talk about them tedious? The op has never said that she wanted to talk about her baby all night or given any indication that she is 'all about the baby', just that her friends never ask about her. It really isn't too much to expect a 'how's the baby?' once in a while.

Skarossinkplunger · 01/09/2017 08:47

Atrocious I'm mysogonist because I'm not interesting in babies? I've heard it all now!

InDubiousBattle · 01/09/2017 08:50

Nike, no I don't ask after everyone's great Aunt Betty with the bad back or neighbour Sally whose husband is having an affair, unless these people are significant in my friends life. Like a 9 month old baby is. Then I would ask because it's the friendly thing to do. In just the same way as I would ask about their jobs or travel plans or partners.

SilverBirchTree · 01/09/2017 08:55

InDubious, I never said what you're suggesting. Where did I say mummies were boring? I am one!

OP described them as close, life long friends, its short sighted to throw them away over a life stage issue.

PringlesPirate · 01/09/2017 08:59

YANBU
I have friends that all have kids and none of them ask how I am.

KarmaNoMore · 01/09/2017 08:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.