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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU expect friends to ask how my baby is

258 replies

Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:32

AIBU to expect some life long friends (uni) to ask how my baby is doing? My daughter is 9 months old and since she has born they have played little to no interest in her - seen her twice at most despite one of them living 5 minutes round the corner, granted some live up to 1 hour drive. However they rarely rarely even ask how she is via message. Tonight we met up for dinner, a small group of us, and not one of them asked how my daughter is, not even a passing comment. I sat there for nearly two hours and ended up making my excuses and left because I was so upset about it.

To be clear I'm not expecting to talk babies all night (none have kids although one is heavily pregnant and she spoke at length about her pregnancy). I've been friends with them for 11 years and whilst we only meet every 1-2 months I would still describe them as 'close' friends. I am starting to get more and more upset about their lack of interest in my daughter but AIBU????

OP posts:
Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:49

Yea normal chit chat asked how my birthday was etc

OP posts:
TwitterQueen1 · 30/08/2017 21:49

PFB behaviour I'm afraid OP. YABU to leave because you were so upset. To sit there all evening stewing because no-one said anything is somewhat childish.

Why did you not introduce her into the conversation at some point to give them the opportunity to ask more? Even something simple like "Gosh it's so nice to have an evening out - xyz is exhausting!"

But yes, it was rude of them not to say anything. Understandably your DD is the most important thing in your life (and DH) so they should acknowledge that with questions and conversation.

Jellycatspyjamas · 30/08/2017 21:50

I doubt you've done anything to offend them, if you don't see them that often I'm guessing they just want to catch up on here and now stuff and don't get that your daughter is your "here and now". Some of my friends will give me space to be me again and we won't talk about the kids really unless I bring them up. To be honest I would have talked about my child whether asked or not, not incessantly but in a "this is what my week is like now" kind of way.

Did you not even talk about your new baby when your friend was talking about her pregnancy? I'd find that odd given you're where she's heading...

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 21:52

Purple daisies - I'm not expecting them to literally send a fresh message asking, but if we are messaging for the first time in a couple of weeks it wouldn't hurt to put how's dd every now and the?

It looks like you're trying to be angry with them. You're expecting them to be mind readers. Confused

Liara · 30/08/2017 21:56

I would just assume the 'How are you?' includes the baby, tbh. If the baby isn't well the mother won't be either, so if the mother says 'I'm fine' then presumably the baby is too.

If someone asked me about my fairly new baby I would just assume they were trying to fill in the small talk gap and couldn't think of anything else, tbh. That's when I usually ask, anyway.

mummarichardson · 30/08/2017 21:57

Really rude. I have friends without children and no interest in them who at least ask the question 'how is DC getting on?' I give them the quickest possible answer then we move back to their much more interesting lives because let's face it mine is at least 75% less interesting right now!

The point is as Friends they should be asking you about your life in general and if they aren't asking you about the most important part of it then they are essentially not really interested in your life

Original poster
Parttimeworkingmummy2017 · 30/08/2017 21:58

Just to clarify I did bring her up when asked about something else I said how she was there etc but still nothing.

Maybe it's because I'm the first one to have kids and my life has changed more than I realise! They message way less since I've had her so maybe it's just accepting we have grown apart!

OP posts:
Foxglovesandsweetpeas · 30/08/2017 22:00

I don't think you were being unreasonable - they should have asked about her. Having a baby is probably the most momentous thing to happen to us and for them to ignore it is very rude. Even if they're not interested they could have at least asked out of politeness. It could also be that they're envious of you because they haven't met the right person to start a family with and talking about someone else's baby gives them a little pang of what they're missing/want so they avoid the subject.

cdtaylornats · 30/08/2017 22:00

Generally I've found that people with babies can't resist telling you about them.

BannedFromNarnia · 30/08/2017 22:02

Of course it's rude and YANBU. You always ask after people's children even if you're not interested in them, it's just... normal. Manners.

It would be like me seeing my BFF once a month and never once saying 'oh and how's DP then?'.

notanotherNC · 30/08/2017 22:02

YABU. Kids are really boring. Especially when you are young and they aren't even on your radar. I wouldn't take it personally.

SendintheArdwolves · 30/08/2017 22:03

Basically, YABU - especially huffing off because they didn't specifically say "how are the kids?"

It sounds like your friends did show an interest in your life generally - you didn't say your felt ignored, or like they talked over you or didn't care what you had to say.

Whenever I've met up with friends who have kids, I tend to take my cue from them - if they mention their kids I show a (feigned) interest and ask questions, but if they don't mention them, I tend to assume that they want to talk about other things/need an evening off thinking about their children/have other stuff in their lives that they want to talk to me about.

Especially with my female friends, I think that EVERYONE only ever talks to them about kid stuff and assumes their life revolves around them now, so maybe it's nice for them to have some adult time with an old friend who knows them as not just someone's mummy.

theymademejoin · 30/08/2017 22:05

I wouldn't expect anyone other than family to specifically ask about my kids. I do sometimes mention stuff about the kids to childless friends and they would be interested but I certainly wouldn't expect them to bring up the subject.

Equally I would rarely directly ask about someone else's kids. They would bring them up if relevant or if there was something specific to talk about.

Did they ask how you were or how things were with you? If so, I would consider that to mean anything of interest you wanted to talk about, including your child.

ImperialBlether · 30/08/2017 22:05

People on MN are very odd at times. I don't know anyone who wouldn't ask this question. Just as if you'd just got married or started to live with a bloke your friends would ask how he was, or if your parents were ill they'd ask how they were, if your job was crap or new they'd ask how it was going. It's just taking an interest in your friends' lives. If you're not interested in your friend's life, don't arrange to meet them.

I'd make new friends, OP.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 30/08/2017 22:06

Yanbu .... but you probably talk about her a lot without realising it, so they already know how she is. I know from meeting uni / school friends years on we all talk About our kids, I always try to bring up the subject of our parents that we all got to know through the years.

Thurlow · 30/08/2017 22:07

YANBU. It's just basic members - how's work, how's your OH, how's the kids etc.

Wolfiefan · 30/08/2017 22:08

You're their friend. She isn't.
When you have a child they become the centre of your world. But not everyone else's.
Do you expect them to ask after your parents, pets, partner, neighbours, other friends?!
If they don't have children they may find talking about babies boring and want to avoid a long chat about the baby too!

PurpleDaisies · 30/08/2017 22:09

YANBU. It's just basic manners - how's work, how's your OH, how's the kids etc.

But with really good friends you don't need to stick to polite conversation or boring conversation starters. I can't remember the last time I met with my friends and we asked each other questions like that. We just tell each other things that are important.

Aria2015 · 30/08/2017 22:09

I'm on the fence. Yes I think it's generally just polite to ask but at the same time, kids just weren't on my radar before I had them. I had to remind myself to ask and pretend to be interested.

If they are long time and good friends who otherwise treat you well, I'd be inclined to just put this down to them being thoughtless. It's probably unlikely they intentionally are all avoiding asking you how your lo is. If it really upsets you of course you could mention it - they might all fall over themselves to reassure you that they do care and make more of an effort?

weeblueberry · 30/08/2017 22:10

Did they ask after your partner? Or each other's?

HundredMilesAnHour · 30/08/2017 22:10

YABU. Your friends asked about you and your life in general. I would expect you to say something at this point if you wanted to talk about your baby specifically. No news is good news surely.

This is a good example of why people with children drift away from childfree friends. Your baby may the most important thing in your world but to sit there in a huff because no-one asked specifically about your baby is very precious. Your baby's 9 months old. Unless something dramatic has happened, from a childfree person perspective there's going to be no difference at 9 months or 8 months or 7 months. Seriously yawn zzzz.

Excited101 · 30/08/2017 22:11

Of course it's rude, YADNBU

Timefortea99 · 30/08/2017 22:11

I don't have kids or any real interest in them. But I always ask after kids. It is polite and part of catching up. YANBU.

MrsJamesAspey · 30/08/2017 22:11

It wouldn't bother me, I rarely went out when mine were young and all my socialising was speaking to other mums at mums and toddlers and then playgroup, where the conversation seem to pivot around the children all the time, when I did get to go out to the pub no one asked my about my kids and I never asked them about theirs either.

allthegoodusernameshavegone · 30/08/2017 22:12

Wolfiefan is spot on