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Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
elevenclips · 29/08/2017 16:37

Can you put the lights off and draw curtains at the front of the house?

Or alternatively be a bit blunter and say you need to have some time just you and your dp?

fourquenelles · 29/08/2017 16:39

"When you pop over Dear Friend please bring a takeaway for 3 with you as it's your turn to provide dinner"

BabsGanoush · 29/08/2017 16:40

Eat in front of her - if you have the guts!!

YouTheCat · 29/08/2017 16:42

I think you're going to have to be blunt and tell her not to come so often. It sounds like you've tried hinting.

If she doesn't like her housing situation and she's earning enough she could always move out. She sounds like a bit of a user.

ZoeWashburne · 29/08/2017 16:42

meet her at the door with her packages/ things and say a quick hello, but you need to get back to work and close the door.

No is not a naughty word. If she shows up unannounced 'sorry, right now doesn't suit. maybe another time'. If she asks about the pizza say: 'Sorry, no, that is for another night. We have some things we need to do, so I'm afraid we'll have to say goodbye now'.

Seems like she needs things explicitly stated to her. She isn't getting the hints.

PeaFaceMcgee · 29/08/2017 16:44

It probably hasn't occured to her that she needs to pay her way. Agree with the takeaway suggestion above - or tell her that you can't really afford to feed her X no. of times a week and could she help out at all?

Assume her living arrangements are hard to improve over the foreseeable?

Leeds2 · 29/08/2017 16:44

If it is just the cost of feeding her, and not that you don't actually want her there, I would second fourquenelles's suggestion of telling her to bring a takeaway as it's her turn to pay.

Nikephorus · 29/08/2017 16:45

She arranges her Amazon deliveries to come to yours without asking first?! Tell her she pick up her w/e stuff tomorrow when she comes for the Amazon delivery, and she can bring takeaway if she thinks she's going to be staying. Make it clear or you'll be accommodating her & financing her meals for eternity (or until she permanently moves in!!)

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 16:45

Answer the door in your dressing gown, tousled hair and tell her you have left dp hanging upstairs so see her another time. . . Blush

ADayGivingMeHope · 29/08/2017 16:47

Seriously???

This is a REALLY easy answer.

Just tell her that unless you specifically invite her for dinner then she is not welcome to stay for dinner or to eat your food!

Notreallyarsed · 29/08/2017 16:48

You are taking the piss and you know it.

PurpleMinionMummy · 29/08/2017 16:48

You should just be honest and tell her you cant afford to feed her and you and dp need some alone time.

Can she not move if she's earning more than you and your dp and you can manage a place?

Notreallyarsed · 29/08/2017 16:49

Sorry posted too soon, I meant that's what I'd say to her.

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:49

@elevenclips - we once did this! She texted to say she was passing and could she pop in, I said we were out. Next time we saw her she asked where we were as we had both cars in the drive (not in an accusatory way, more baffled that we went out with no cars when we're not walking distance from any bus or trains).

@fourquenelles this is a great idea - DP and I are on diets but could forego for one day, if anything just to let her see how much more expensive feeding three is!

@babs honestly I wish I did, she does this 'ooh my tummy is grumbling, I didn't get chance to eat lunch today' pantomime and I can't stand the awkwardness!

@YouTheCat - she's in the process of moving out. Unfortunately she sub-let a room in her flat to people who turned out to be vile and she needs to get rid of them before she can leave. Round here you need a landlord's reference for a new place, so she needs to get them gone to keep a good reference from her LL.

OP posts:
MissionItsPossible · 29/08/2017 16:52

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

And your response to this utter cheek was?? Shock

ShapelyBingoWing · 29/08/2017 16:53

You've tried subtle hinting. It didn't work so stop trying.

"Friend, if you're planning on staying for dinner this week, bring dinner for the 3 of us with you."

"Me and DH would really like some alone time so, sorry, but it'll only be a quick brew today."

"I'd prefer if we could go out and spend time together rather than stay in. I feel like I'm not really relaxing when I socialise at home so much."

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:54

@NotReallyArsed haha I spent a full minute wondering how I'd provoked such rage!

@PeaFaceMcGee @Leeds2 Really reluctant to enter into any sort of arrangement with her over money and providing food or whatever, while the money's part of the issue, half of the problem is not wanting her to expect me to cook for her every night. As soon as I acknowledge that she needs to pay, she'll see it as a proper arrangement and think nothing of it.

OP posts:
EsperanzaDesperanza · 29/08/2017 16:55

If you don't mind her being there sometimes then you really do need to ask her to bring food if she wants to eat with you. Be honest, tell her you can't afford to feed her too. She might even be embarrassed that she didn't think about it before.
It doesn't sound like she gets hints. You're going to have to be blunt.
Same if you don't want her there at all.

Notreallyarsed · 29/08/2017 16:56

MessyHouse91 sorry, I'm having a total brain fart day and apparently that extended to my posting on here Blush maybe I'm getting old but I've reached the point where so many people have taken the absolute piss out of me over the years that now I'm just blunt and if they don't like it I don't care Grin

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:56

@MissionItsPossible I told her to sod off, it's for another day and DP and I were looking forward to it! She took it well, and then asked if she could cook it and replace it when she next comes over. Didn't know what to say, I didn't want her to replace it because then I'm signing myself up for another evening hosting, and my evening is worth more to me than the cost of a pizza!

OP posts:
Notreallyarsed · 29/08/2017 16:57

Also, why the fuck doesn't she bring food/takeaways if she's so determined to be at yours? Rude!

notapizzaeater · 29/08/2017 16:59

I had a neighbour who came round every single night. Her and her hubby sat in the sofa for 4/5 hours, we ate tea with them there. Started politely asking them not to come every night, they ignored this. I started running a bath as soon as they came and just git in the bath for some space. We bluntly told them we needed space - they started coming every other night .... Then fell back into every night. We snarled at them, was rude and blunt but it had no effect. We gave up and moved.

ShapelyBingoWing · 29/08/2017 17:00

honestly I wish I did, she does this 'ooh my tummy is grumbling, I didn't get chance to eat lunch today' pantomime and I can't stand the awkwardness!

"Best go home and get yourself fed then. See you next week!"

Another firm favourite of mine...

(Stands up purposefully)
"Right, I'm off to get a shower. I'll chat to you tomorrow."

KityGlitr · 29/08/2017 17:00

Seriously, just return awkwardness to sender. You're not making it awkward by not feeding her, she's making it awkward (and being incredibly rude) coming over uninvited and expecting to be fed, free or otherwise. I have best friends of 15+ years and I wouldn't dream of just showing up at theirs, nor would they mine. We all have busy lives.

You need to toughen up a bit and let her do her tummy rumbling routine for as long as she likes! Eventually it'll get to the stage where she either realised you're not gonna feed her and leaves, or outright requests food. Then you can look genuinely puzzled and confused and say 'whyever would you think it's appropriate to expect to eat here without an invitation?' and leave her hanging. She's walking all over you and you're allowing and encouraging it.

user1471517900 · 29/08/2017 17:00

Yeah with regard to the pizza - just say "no, that's for another night"

What time is she coming over? Just tell her that she can only come after (say) 7pm and have dinner earlier.

Or.... tell her she's being a cheeky sod by asking for dinner each night.

With some threads like this you wonder what the male forum equivalent would be

"Tell him he's being a cheeky fucker and to sod off" would probably be the first and only reply!