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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
Jaxhog · 29/08/2017 17:02

I've never had anyone start cooking, although making tea and coffee seems fair game. My husband used to get into his PJs when my friends overstayed! It was weirdly fascinating to see their reaction. (Mostly they just left.)

While it's great to be supportive and all that, friends like this can take over your life. If she drops in unexpectedly, be on your way out. If she overstays, either try the PJs or go out and ask her to leave. Even if all you do is drive round the block and come back.

WineAndTiramisu · 29/08/2017 17:05

I'd make sure we'd eaten before she comes over, then just ignore all hints, make sure there's no food in the fridge and wait her out... See how many days it takes for her to give up (or ask why you've stopped eating!)

MargotLovedTom1 · 29/08/2017 17:07

Lock the door and don't open it! Don't answer the phone. Who cares if she asks where you were.

NotAPizzaEater you must have been letting those neighbours in?? Confused

Headofthehive55 · 29/08/2017 17:08

Buy a ready meal, fir two. Say there isnt enough - and have nothing else in.
It's learned behaviour. Everytime you give in it encourages it.

EssentialHummus · 29/08/2017 17:08

"Friend, if you're planning on staying for dinner this week, bring dinner for the 3 of us with you."

"Me and DH would really like some alone time so, sorry, but it'll only be a quick brew today."

"I'd prefer if we could go out and spend time together rather than stay in. I feel like I'm not really relaxing when I socialise at home so much."

Yup, all great options. You need to be blunt, otherwise this'll go on forever.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2017 17:09

I would leave her stuff and amazon delivery by the front door, and she can collect it then. She is really taking the piss, and usuing youx

Gemini69 · 29/08/2017 17:09

Tell her your busy, you'll call when it's suitable for her to come round again x

Stillwishihadabs · 29/08/2017 17:09

I had a similar thing when I had just had dd (dc2) a friend who is absolutely lovely in every other way would just "pop in " around teatime then I would end up feeding her kids and more often than not bathing them too. It wasn't the money, but I felt like I was just keeping my head above water and the added dynamics night after night ( with no prearrangement) were too much for all of us. Things I did to knock it on the head were either "go earlier"with the whole bath thing so when she called between 5:30-6 the kids were in the bath. Perhaps you could be in the shower when she calls round. It is absolutely allowed not to hear the bell/ answer the door when you are either bathing small children or in the bath yourself. Or I would "go late" so still be out at 5:30-6 giving the dc's tea in a cafe, returning only when I knew she would have given up. Could you and dp go to gym for a couple of hours after work or catch an early movie ? After about a week of this dfriend got the message and we would meet at a mutually convenient time and place.

honeyroar · 29/08/2017 17:13

You're going to have to say something like, "look you're my best friend and I love spending time with you, but I feel like you live here and I don't get any normal time with my husband now. Can we make it just a couple of days a week so we get some evenings to ourselves?"

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2017 17:14

She sounds really cheeky, and rude, I cannot stand people like that. I have a friend who insists on coming to visit with her boys in the morning, good thing its not that often, she will want to stay for lunch, so she does not have to feed them. Next time, I will tell her to come in the afternoon.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/08/2017 17:14

Unless she is moving into your place by stealth, you have to do something about this.

"Mary*, it's really not possible for you to be eating in ours three or four times a week. We simply cannot afford it and we'd like to unwind after a busy day at work, just DP and me."
If she is having a rotten time of it in her own place, she should get the other residents there to leave instead of overstaying her welcome in yours.
She also should not be getting her post and parcels delivered to your address. She is not a resident there. Get them delivered to her workplace or her own address.
You have to nip this in the bud now.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 29/08/2017 17:14
  • I had the asterisk to indicate this is obviously not her name and you'd pop in what her actual name is.
Cakesprinkles · 29/08/2017 17:15

When I lived at home and was in the 6th form I had a friend who was a couple of years older than me, and she worked very locally to our house two days a week. She took to popping in on her way home and would hang around until my mum fed her (no money problems, perfectly stable and lovely family home down the road or perfectly nice student digs in town). My parents found it alternately endearing as they'd known her a long time and infuriating as it became really cheeky to just expect it twice a week. They figured that at least when I left school to go to uni, it would put an end to it. However she turned up that first week, even after I'd gone Shock my dad put his foot down and said that as I'd gone to uni, things had to change and it wasn't appropriate for her to come round twice a week.

PlausibleSuit · 29/08/2017 17:31

Unless she is moving into your place by stealth

I was thinking that.

You're being too nice, but pulling back a bit doesn't make you nasty. The give and take of friendship seems to have taken a dive here - there's no give on her part at the moment, by the sounds of it.

How about setting and reinforcing some boundaries? For example, you could tell her that you won't be available on Wednesday and Friday nights any more, as you and your DP are having date nights or working out at the gym together or volunteering or something. Or ask her to chip in for a takeaway or a meal out when she starts suggesting you eat together.

And ask her to stop having parcels delivered with immediate effect. You're supposed to be her friend, not her concierge.

The read here is that things must be pretty shit at her own place if she's ramped up the amount of time she's spending with you. So could you formulate a plan together as to how to rectify the situation at her place? Like a proper action plan with goals and steps and all that jazz. That way you're being a good friend, as well as (hopefully) starting to solve the problem you have.

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 17:34

Thanks everyone for the advice - I agree I need to put my foot down and tell her bluntly. I think half the problem is she's so lovely and I honestly don't think she'd mind if I did the same to her. She'd be absolutely mortified if she knew she was being such a nuisance.

I was having a natter with DM and apparently she used to do the exact same when we were kids (we've been friends 15 years) - she'd come over after school and hang about until someone fed her or I was going to bed, obviously I didn't notice at the time how annoying it must have been for my DM!

OP posts:
Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 17:37

@PlausibleSuit Unfortunately I had to back away from the situation at her place. I spoke to a lawyer colleague and the three of us formulated a plan for getting rid of her squatters flatmates, but at the last minute she said she's worried that by serving an official notice they're likely to trash her flat, so she didn't want to go down an official route. At that point I told her that if she won't accept any legal advice I can't help her in that way.

OP posts:
Inertia · 29/08/2017 17:40

Is there any way that you and DH can eat your main meal at lunchtime at work for a few weeks, then literally just have a sandwich/ tin of soup type dinner when you get in? It sounds like you'll struggle to be as blunt with her as you'd need to be, so this would at least allow you to say that you're not cooking a meal as you've eaten a big lunch, so she'll have to cook at home.

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 17:41

@Jaxhog Unfortunately my DP is one of those rare ones who has absolutely no qualms about having his PJs on with guests, and as the three of us used to live together she's seen it all before Grin. Although I wonder if a short and flappy robe would do the trick?

OP posts:
schoolgaterebel · 29/08/2017 17:41

You're going t have to sit her down and tell her that she is spending too much ch time at your place and intruding on your dinner times isn't acceptable.

She is taking the piss and the only way to deal with it is to be direct, people like this don't take hints.

elevenclips · 29/08/2017 17:43

Sod the robe - get him to answer the door naked and tell her he's in the middle of something

Mrscropley · 29/08/2017 17:43

Be careful about that plan op - she may suggest sharing more than just your food!!

Garliccalamari · 29/08/2017 17:45

Elevenclips GrinGrinGrin

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 17:46

@Inertia to be honest I wouldn't mind eating no dinner at all, poor DP has put up with a lot with her and I feel like asking him to not eat a substantial meal in the evenings might be the straw that breaks the camels back with it. He's been an absolute saint and I honestly don't think I could be as patient if the roles were reversed.

OP posts:
PuppyMonkey · 29/08/2017 17:49

What time does she arrive OP? I'd eat early and not offer anything at all, even a cuppa, next time she's there. Then say you and DH are having an early night/going out/for a bath and you're locking up for the night. Repeat every time until the pattern is broken.

JustMumNowNotMe · 29/08/2017 17:51

Jesus christ, she goes beyond cheeky! I wouldn't put up with this shit, just see her off at the door, don't even entertain the idea of her coming in if you've not already eaten and/or uf you don't want to see her. Be blunt but honest, making up tales of not being in etc will just cause you stress trying to remeber where you are meant to have been when you next see her etc. A good friend would be mortified and stop overstepping the boundaries once they were made aware of you being unhappy.