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AIBU?

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Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
AnotherLegoBrick · 29/08/2017 19:45

I'd be clear with regard to meals. You only have 2 pieces of steak or fish, only enough pasta for two, only 4 eggs to make omelettes.

Don't give her the option of making it stretch to 3 people.

fourquenelles · 29/08/2017 20:05

Thanks to this thread I have gone down the rabbit hole of Extreme Cheapstakes on YouTube.

thatdearoctopus · 29/08/2017 20:05

If you used to be flatmates, then perhaps she's still regarding you in that way.

60percentbanana · 29/08/2017 20:08

It's just a matter of assertiveness - for example, when she said she'd left some things at yours and needed to collect them, just repeat that it's not convenient, repeat repeat repeat like a broken record. If she turns up unexpectedly, stand in the doorway and just tell her kindly that you are really busy tonight and it's not convenient - if she pushes for details just say it's something personal. Bar the door with your arm/body and tell her you will call her tomorrow for a catch up, and maybe you could go for a drink at the weekend (which sets the expectation that she won't see you in the meantime). Again, be assertive and repeat the fact that it's not convenient tonight.

With the Amazon delivery, though you are kind enough to be willing to accept the order she is taking liberties with that kindness and using that as a reason to visit (because, let's face it, she could just as easily have her Amazon order delivered to a drop box or whatever). Could you accept tomorrow's delivery and then ask her not to have it delivered to you again, and perhaps soften it by saying that it interrupted a conference call and put you in an awkward spot so you can't do it again.

You are really kind to her, but you should consider that you're being kind and dp is bearing the brunt of your kindness - you are tiptoeing around her feelings at the expense of his.

eddielizzard · 29/08/2017 20:21

very difficult one. i think you need to tell her that you need your space and while you love her, you're going to have to limit the time. or think up a raft of excuses as to why you're not available. or give her a Confused look every time she questions you. i'm very surprised that an adult doesn't pick up on social cues - it's pretty obvious that a couple living together don't want a friend round all the time. so she's choosing to ignore that. or has never picked up on those cues, as your mum says. so you need to be more obvious about it.

Mittens1969 · 29/08/2017 20:39

I know you value her friendship but being a friend doesn't mean you shouldn't maintain boundaries, you need private time with your DP. She's walking all over you because you're too nice to speak up.

You need to say, 'I can only manage 2 evenings a week, as DP and I do need our space, and I really would prefer it if you didn't just call around unannounced.'

mickeysminnie · 29/08/2017 20:45

Is she there?? Shock

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 20:50

@mickeysminnie she is! Unfortunately fell into the trap of putting bake off on. Making moves to get rid of her as soon as it finishes.

Tried my best to put a united front on with DP but he's far too nice and felt we couldn't turf her out half way through bake off as we were watching it anyway Angry

OP posts:
Gemini69 · 29/08/2017 20:59

maybe it's time to accept.. she's vying to move in OP ... seeing as neither of you have the will to fight it... Flowers

Giraffey1 · 29/08/2017 21:00

Some good suggestions here. Hope you're able to action them and reset your friend's boundaries.

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 21:09

I did have a bit of a chat with her earlier. She asked if she could bring some sheets to wash and dry tomorrow (she doesn't have a tumble drier) and I said that I've already said I can't host tomorrow.

Apparently she thought it'd be okay if she was on the sofa while I worked from upstairs. I told her that won't work, she'll have to swing by and get her parcel.

She then asked whether she can bring her sheets the next day. I said no, it was a bit much. She asked can she bring them over the weekend, again I said I can't commit to plans over the weekend and don't want to be tied to the house for the sake of her washing.

Absolutely amazed that she kept going even though I was visibly starting to lose my temper a bit.

OP posts:
hellejuice91 · 29/08/2017 21:09

I had a friend who used to do before he started seeing his partner. He had a habit of calling me and saying 'I'm coming round tonight I'll be there at..' (whatever time - normally around the time we would be having our meal) and then he'd pretty much hang up and then he would be there all night. I started just telling him to get out when it got late or telling him a white lie about going out or the time I would be getting in. It sounds like she is taking it a little far. I would just explain to her that you love seeing her but you need some nights alone or even plead poverty, say you are on a really tight budget. Food is far too expensive to have to factor in an extra person each night xx

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 21:11

I do worry a little about her though. We've been friends for years and while I'll moan about her I do love her and want the best for her. If someone at work was this oblivious when they're not welcome I think I'd have to try and avoid them.

OP posts:
KinkyAfro · 29/08/2017 21:14

I'm in total agreement with rousette. Time for honesty op, she's taking the piss, taking your time and it's going to impact on your relationship with DH soon

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2017 21:17

Messy you need to be blunter.

Listen dear CF, you know DH and I love you but it's beginning to feel like you live here at the moment and we stopped wanting full time flatmates when we decided to live together alone. I know it's probably more convenient for you to tumble your sheets at ours, but it's not really on - there are laundrettes for that. You need to sort your housing out because you're clearly not happy at the moment - you're round ours all the time and even though I live you I'm getting a bit fed up. What's your plan?

InvisibleKittenAttack · 29/08/2017 21:18

OP - has she gone yet? If not, can you switch off TV and say "Friend, I really like you but it's getting a bit much, you seem to want to be here all the time. It's like we're still living together, but we're not and I don't want another person here all the time. Sorry, but you need to give DP and me a bit more space. I don't want us to fall out about this so thought I should be honest."

mickeysminnie · 29/08/2017 21:21

Grin I think she is wants you for comfort!! I think sometimes people need the boundary of other people in order to feel secure. That is NOT your problem but since she is your friend and you want to keep her I would try and wean her off a bit.
Send her off this evening with a plan to have her over on Fri. Then on Fri ser her off with a plan to see her Wed. On the Wed make a plan to meet her out on Sat etc.
Always change the days! Be firm, other wise you will lose the friendship because you will become frustrated.

YouTheCat · 29/08/2017 21:23

You are not a restaurant.

You are not a launderette.

You are not a post office.

Tell her this.

MadamePomfrey · 29/08/2017 21:23

She dose seem fairly dense at picking up hints but in her defence you are sending mixed messages too. You told her you weren't able to host this week, she asked to come and get stuff but instead of passing her items over at the door she ended up in watching bake off with you. Which says to her you weren't really busy at all and she was fine to pop round!! If you want this to work you have to Stick to what you say. Tomorrow have the parcel by the door don't let her in don't get blindsided short and sweet stick to your guns!

LazyDailyMailJournos · 29/08/2017 21:28

Can I bring my washing round?
No - take it to the launderette.

What about tomorrow?
No - take it to the launderette.

How about this weekend?
No - take it to the launderette.

Forgive the pun, but rinse and repeat! You need to be firm and consistent with this woman. She knows exactly what she is doing and is relying on you feeling guilty and caving in. DON'T.

Oldraver · 29/08/2017 21:29

She is so trying it on..She may not have a tumble dryer but surely a washing machine so why does she need to do a wash at yours ?

I think she is trying to move in by stealth, or she is an incredible CF

dustarr73 · 29/08/2017 21:32

You are going to have to be more blunt.Meet her for a cuppa over the weekend and just tell her straight.She cant come around every night.

She knows you are too nice so she is playing on that.Hints are not working,so time to be upfront.

ItBroke · 29/08/2017 21:36

I think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and that you are seeing complications when non need to exsist.

All you need to do is say sorry friend but I'm going to have to kick you out as I don't won't visitors. You can soften it a big if you wish with the promise of a time when it would be ok for her to visit.

Then just repeat and repeat.

You are making things MORE akward by ding so wishy washy.

Gincision · 29/08/2017 21:39

Bake off finished nearly 30 mins ago.... She's still there isn't she?

Jojomalojo01 · 29/08/2017 21:44

If she is your friend just take a different approach. Sit her down have a conversation with her about how you feel and the impact she is having on your family life before it becomes fractious and your friendship is changed. She may need the support and motivation to make some changes. Offer to help her find somewhere else to live or make changes in her own homelife to make her feel more comfortable where she lives.

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