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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
PollyFlint · 30/08/2017 20:05

She is a fucking adult. Why can't she look after herself?

I get that there are issues with her flatmates, but you've offered to help her with that and she's too weak and wishy-washy to follow it through.

This is a grown woman who apparently can't cook for herself, can't manage to have her own parcels delivered to her own house (or to an Amazon locker; there will definitely be one nearish to her house or her work) and can't wash her own sheets. Your relationship really isn't one of two friends any more; you've effectively just become her mother.

She needs to grow up and stop taking liberties. Is she lacking in social skills?

Appuskidu · 30/08/2017 20:20

Have you spoken to her?

littlebird77 · 30/08/2017 20:40

I can see why you are being so careful as she is such a good friend, but in my view she is TOO good a friend and now no longer has any boundaries.

Your dp is going get really fed up if he isn't already, this would drive me insane if it were my dh bf.

So you are good friends, so you need to say to her your time is very limited for the foreseeable and tell her you can make one evening a week for dinner and that is it? Where would she like to meet for dinner?

Put your foot down at all other times by saying how much you love her company but just can not meet that week..etc

AprilLady4 · 30/08/2017 20:53

Or maybe OP is sitting silently on the sofa with OH with the tv on mute pretending to be out while friend rings bell & calls through letterbox

Grin
StarlitTrees · 30/08/2017 21:01

If you really do want to keep her as a friend, you need to just be honest with her!
If you suddenly become busy every night, which is it of character for you both, she will be suspicious anyway.
Just tell her how you feel. If she's a true friend she will feel more guilty at how she's been making you feel than being offended.

dustarr73 · 30/08/2017 21:38

Has she turned up tonight op?

NoSquirrels · 30/08/2017 22:48

Hope you've been working flat out, Messy, not in a drama with your former flatmate?

Charolais · 30/08/2017 22:51

I couldn’t be friends with someone so intrusive and insensitive.

I would tell her something bizarre such as hubby and I are trying to make a baby and we have to spend the entire evening watching porn to get in the mood. lol

Strotty · 30/08/2017 22:54

Get her to cook for you both at your house .. proper food not just chuck a pizza in oven. Plus salad!! If you're providing food it's only fair she meets you halfway with a bit of effort... mind you she might get idea to be moving in with youse!! Strikes me everyone is skirting around the elephant in the room though. If she's such a good friend you should be able to have a chat and sort it out. Maybe arrange for her to come round once a week for food. And don't deviate / let her come round for parcels etc. Stick to your guns.

38cody · 30/08/2017 22:56

You don't want to be rude to her and you value her friendship and it's not about money.

Try planning meals for two - 2 steaks, 2 pieces of fish, 2 stuffed peppers etc and keep the rest of your fridge clear (shove the other food in the garden until she's gone).make it really awkward to share portions.

Have a table laid for a romantic dinner for two and next time she rocks up unannounced quickly light the candles and soft music and make it clear without saying anything that she's interrupting.

Or just.blame your. DP and say he's moaning that you have friends round too often and tell her that you have to focus on more couple time in the evenings, romantic meals etc.

Set her up and find her a man
To take her off your hands?

GlitteryFluff · 30/08/2017 22:58

Hope you managed to not let her in tonight.

MsJolly · 30/08/2017 23:14

Did you let her in?!!!

ChinkChink · 30/08/2017 23:16

CF mate has eaten OP and DP.

Ixiepixie · 30/08/2017 23:46

"CF mate has eaten OP and DP"

Grin
Sparklyglitter · 31/08/2017 09:16

That's quite tricky some people just don't take or want to take the hint! My mum had the same problem when she was battling with cancer. Friends kept popping around in the evening, when she was shattered and didn't get the hint. They started shutting the curtains and switching off the lights as they didn't want to loose friends over it, but she needed to rest. It did seem to work.
I would try various subtle options first and if they don't work then you'll have to sit her down and be honest, you need time with partner, you can't afford to keep feeding her etc and of course that you value her friendship.....Good Luck not an easy situation!

dottybooboo22 · 31/08/2017 09:30

i'd eat my main meal earlier,and when she started with her rumbly tummy act i'd make sympathetic noises and then offer her some crisps or crackers.

keep your cupboards bare for the duration.

do this often enough and she should soon get the message.

Shesaid · 31/08/2017 09:32

If you are her friend, aren't you the person to say Friend, your home arrangement is not good enough for you. Let's sit down and work out how you can change it. You can't go on for the rest of your life escaping from your own home?

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 31/08/2017 09:44

Sorry! Texted CF yesterday and told her she absolutely couldn't come over last night because I'll be working flat out (and then actually did work flat out, hence the silence).

Had a text this morning asking whether she can come tonight to pick her parcel up (and have a catch up), which seems to be code for park on the sofa all night. I said I don't know what my plans are tonight, but can we catch up over the weekend at the pub (meeting out the house, as PP suggested) so at least we can make a getaway when we need (she once came over on a Friday night and parked on the sofa until Sunday morning when I told her to go). She pushed me for tonight again, but I just said things at work are getting a bit stressful and I need some time to get caught up and chill out.

So far so good, and it looks like her home situation might be on the mend soon too. She's booked an impromptu holiday with another friend at the end of September, and then when she gets back I'll be away for work for a week, so I can dodge her until then and afterwards three weeks apart might just break the habit and we can start again with some boundaries (so one decided night a week, alternate buying a take out or something).

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2017 09:52

Good, keep being assertive and saying no if its not convenient. Rinse and repeat again and again.

ToEarlyForDecorations · 31/08/2017 10:40

so I can dodge her until then and afterwards three weeks apart might just break the habit and we can start again

Erm no. She's still a leech. She still thinks she owns your or is owed somehow because you used to live in the same house.

Don't fall for any, 'you used to be such a good friend' pantomime, either. That just means the message is getting though and she's going to have to find another mug.

Your house and resources are hers as far as she is concerned.

Oh, and how is the flatting situation improving when she's done nothing regarding the good advice she's been given for evicting the awful tenants/lodgers ?

It's solved itself because they are moving out ?

So, my guess is that she'll shortly be into your for money if she has to cover the shortfall whilst waiting for the room to be re-let. 'Cause that's something else she would like to be your responsibility.

Nikephorus · 31/08/2017 10:46

she once came over on a Friday night and parked on the sofa until Sunday morning when I told her to go
Shock You didn't tell her till Sunday?! I'd have been indicating the front door before midnight Friday! At a push, the early hours of Sat if (and only if) we were having a long one. She really is needy / clingy / damn-annoying. Good luck for the w/e meet - if you can keep her away that long!

livefornaps · 31/08/2017 10:57

The fact that she thinks she can hang out in your home "sitting quietly" while you work means she does not see herself as a guest, she sees herself as a flatmate.

You need to say "this isn't fucking Friends! Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, chandler and joey DID NOT EXIST because no adults are that much in each other's pockets"

dustarr73 · 31/08/2017 11:08

You need to say "this isn't fucking Friends! Ross, Monica, Phoebe, Rachel, chandler and joey DID NOT EXIST because no adults are that much in each other's pockets

GrinGrin

YouTheCat · 31/08/2017 11:12

I think meeting in the pub is a great idea. I'd be wary of making anything regular because it will become a habit.

Maybe occasional pub meets and occasional weekend meet ups at yours (or hers once she gets moved) with a takeaway so you aren't feeding her?

Motoko · 31/08/2017 11:25

A catch up? You only saw her 2 days ago!