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Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
Joinourclub · 29/08/2017 21:46

I think my oldest friends would be like this! But they don't live close enough!

I found that my in laws were inviting themselves over too often. My strategy was to take control and actively invite them over the NEXT week. So when chatting I'd say, "do you want to come over for dinner on x date?" And then if in the next day or so they suggested popping over, I'd say "oh you're coming over for dinner next week so we'll see you then".

So if you always have a date in the diary for dinner you can say "hey I'm feeding you next week, go home you greedy bugger" !

Maelstrop · 29/08/2017 21:49

You're going to have to say something like, "look you're my best friend and I love spending time with you, but I feel like you live here and I don't get any normal time with my husband now. Can we make it just a couple of days a week so we get some evenings to ourselves

Yup, although I'd make it max once a week.

Trouble is, OP, you're making this far too easy for her. She clearly doesn't have an AST (Assured Shorthold Tenancy) with her lodgers if she has been told she can change the locks and chaperone them to collect their stuff. She hasn't yet kicked them out because she is comfortable being at yours. Encourage her to get rid of them, she doesn't need to give lodgers notice, help her to change the locks, tell her to bugger off. My DP would've left by now. You're being taken for a mug.

Piratesandpants · 29/08/2017 21:55

Prioritise your marriage op. That should give you the motivation to get assertive with her. Make sure she understands that you want to spend time with your husband.

Cynderella · 29/08/2017 21:57

Years ago, we had the same situation, but DH didn't mind, so I think that the culprit genuinely thought he was welcome any time. Really, it was only me who had a problem with it, so I just seethed quietly. That said, a lot of the time, I was busy doing other things, so didn't mind. And he was a nice person. Looking back, I feel it was my own fault. If I'd set the boundaries at the outset, it wouldn't have happened. I let it go on, and then it got too awkward to change.

After a year or so, he moved away, and visits were far less frequent. I'm glad I didn't make a fuss because it would have soured our friendship. I'm not saying you shouldn't put a stop to it, but I wouldn't be blunt. I imagine your friends thinks she's welcome.

Rachie1986 · 29/08/2017 22:00

Is she still there OP??!

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 22:02

@Invisible she left 15 minutes ago. I just got up, switched off the TV and started making tomorrow's lunches / loading the dishwasher / sorting out laundry. DP started packing his bag for tomorrow. Still took a few hints though. I think if I turn her away at the front door tomorrow it might break the habit.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 29/08/2017 22:02

Playing devil's advocate, you haven't absolutely had it with her. If you had, you wouldn't have allowed this fuckwittery to continue. What happens if you and DH have another couple over for dinner? Or don't answer the door? Or head out to the supermarket mid-evening?

NoSquirrels · 29/08/2017 22:07

Please have the package ready at the door & hand it over tomorrow. And don't arrange to see her til next week sometime convenient to you, not her. Take control!

Petalflowers · 29/08/2017 22:08

Didn't op say quite early on that they told friend they were going shopping, and friend noticed their cars in the drive?

Usernamegone · 29/08/2017 22:10

How far away does she live from you? If she pops round at a regular time could you arrange to be at the gym/cinema/takeaway/doing something important at the time she always knocks. Maybe you have been getting terrible migraines and you need to lie down in the dark and have peace and quiet every evening (and disconnect the doorbell!)

Butterymuffin · 29/08/2017 22:17

Have some early nights. Many early nights.

BabsGanoush · 29/08/2017 22:24

Apart from YOU feeding her, advising her, washing for her, taking in parcels what doe SHE do for you??

theftbyfinding · 29/08/2017 22:32

Oh I had this. Working from home, friend seemed to think it was absolutely fine to pop in mid morning and stay for lunch or dinner, or even both. I thought about hiding with the curtains closed but then realised how cowardly it was. On saying goodbye at the door after another fraught three hour session, I said next time could you ring me to check I'm up for visitors as I have such a lot of work to get through and these cups of tea turn into marathon sessions I just can't afford.

Worked a treat. Direct is best.

BadLad · 29/08/2017 22:35

Any tips to get rid of her?

Yes - grow up and be firm with her. She'll probably realise she was taking the piss, and if she doesn't and gets the hump, she wasn't worth keeping as a friend.

Some of the suggestions in this thread are ridiculous. Imagine changing your main meal time from when you want it because you're not capable of telling a pisstaker that you're being inconvenienced by their walking all over you. For fuck's sake.

HappenedForAReisling · 29/08/2017 22:42

Tell her it's too disruptive to you to have her drop in at will, and in future to call before she comes. When she calls tell her it's not convenient but to come tomorrow (or whenever). When she drops in unannounced don't open the door wide enough for her to come in, tell her you already said you were busy and she wasn't to drop in unannounced.

Roussette · 29/08/2017 22:42

Or imagine arranging to be somewhere... I'm buggered if I'd avoid being in my home where I want to be, just to stop someone coming round. Besides which it won't solve anything because there's the next day. All it does is put off the inevitale.

You just have to be honest and tell her, no need to get rude, just say it's impacting on your life and marriage and although you will support her when you can, that support will not take place in your house.

I must be extremely anti social or something. If I was doing jobs in the kitchen and someone was plonked down sitting in my lounge, I'd feel like I had a stalker or a squatter!

quiettimeneeded · 29/08/2017 22:53

I would be blunt. I couldn't stand that. Your DH is a patient man!!

Original poster
MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 22:53

Like I've said, tomorrow I'm going to be firm with her and turn her away at the door. Although it's very clear she's taking the piss at the moment, there's been times that she's supported me through difficult times too - I think I need to make it clearer that I'm always there when things are difficult and she needs me, but not necessarily when she's bored or has no dinner plans. She still lives in the flat we all shared and the problems there stem from her trying to find someone to replace us so she could stay, so I guess I'm still feeling a lot of guilt about that.

DP is extremely laid back and feels that we should support her as much as we can - it's me that's bothered by all this. As far as he's concerned it's all temporary until she can find a solution to her living arrangements, my concern is that we're enabling her and therefore she has no incentive to change them, so we're doing her no favours.

OP posts:
MsJolly · 29/08/2017 23:00

Be firm tomorrow OP!

ThedementedPenguin · 29/08/2017 23:07

Wow I can't believe your friend. Hopefully she'll get the hint soon.

Luncharmstrong · 29/08/2017 23:51

I'm amazed no one has suggested she is having an affair with your husband 😄😄

Luncharmstrong · 29/08/2017 23:52

Good luck turning her away tomorrow.
Just tell her straight .
It's the only way to get through.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 30/08/2017 07:07

Maybe today text saying "your parcel has arrived. We have plans tonight so you can collect it but I don't have time for a cuppa so maybe you'd rather collect it on Saturday/Tuesday".

Appuskidu · 30/08/2017 07:17

You beds yo be crystal clear with her! Were you all students together?

Appuskidu · 30/08/2017 07:20

You need to be...

Doh!

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