To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

[MessyHouse91]

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

In your op you say she's found 2 reasons to pop round, when you have already said you are busy. I would start being firm now tell her it's not convenient for you to have her pop round this week, but can you pop the items round to her it's a bit of a faff bit might be worth it to save your evenings. In the long run I think you are going to have be honest and talk to her she doesn't sound like the type to take a hint

I'm agog at this. Surely you don't have to rejig your life to avoid this friend? Eating meals at different times, bathing DCs earlier or later, having a main meal at lunchtime etc. Saying just come 5 nights of the week because I want to be with my DH Tuesday and Thursday. Really? Do people have to go as far as this to avoid saying how they feel?

I don't. I would always rather others were honest with me and I would be honest myself.

You really need to sit her down and say you feel a bit smothered and it's getting too much for your marriage to cope with a third person there every night. Surely your DH is complaining about this. Mine would!

You can be kind but firm. Offer to help her all you can on the phone with flatmate stuff, say you will meet once a week but that is it. I'm a great supporter of friends but this is beyond the pale

I just can't believe posters would rejig their lives to accommodate someone when they really don't want to.

After seeing your last post there Messy, I get the feeling that these flatmates will trash her place whether she goes down the official route or not (I have no idea who you, she or they are btw).
So better to go the official route of getting these residents out rather than any sort of unofficial route.

No idea on what to suggest in relation to getting her to stop popping around to yours as frequently, but I'd hazard a guess that if her own flat issue was sorted, she wouldn't need to be around yours as often.

@MessyHouse91 oh goodness, I see the issue. Poor you, this is a tough one.

Tummy is grumbling speech is met with your boyfriend saying to her...

1: you should go home then
2: bunch of leaflets for nearest takeaway
3: "me too... isn't it about time you paid for a takeaway, given you eat here for free at least twice a week?"

It's clear you won't stand up to her, so let him be the bad guy.

Whatever you do, don't approach this from the food angle. If you get that sorted, you'll still have a friend who is overstepping the boundaries of how much you want to see her.

I think you have to be polite but firm. And then blunt if polite but firm doesn't work.

Tell her that you and dp dont want to socialise during weekday evenings. Possibly not the weekend either if she doesn't start behaving more respectfully.

I disagree. The food angle is a gentle way for her to realise she's been imposing, without making her feel like absolute shite and telling her directly.

Tell her it's date night with your DP. Surely she wouldn't intrude on that? Say you're planning to do this once, twice or 3 times a week, etc.

Tell her you don't have much in, maybe she could get takeaway for you all tonight?

Tell her no more bloody deliveries, what a cheek!

@Whatcha to be honest I did think she was overreacting a little and I'm not particularly convinced they would - they're working professionals in a lovely apartment block, there's issues with mild drug use but I don't think violence is likely to be a problem. In fact when we sought legal advice, they said we were well within our right to go and change the locks and let them back in (with a chaperone) to collect their things. We spent weeks coming up with different plans with her changing her mind last minute until I said that I wasn't able to help any more.

There's no getting away from it OP. I used to be unassertive and people walked all over me. You just have to say something, anything, it doesn't really matter if it's blunt, if it's an excuse, if it's a white lie. You'll feel awkward as hell.

You just have to do it.

Unfortunately your mum missed a chance to train her with "right we're having dinner now so you need to go home".

You can do that too, when you let her in, after about an hour you can say "right well I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you to head off home now, need to get dinner on and I don't have enough for you to join us."

Don't serve her a meal unless you have invited her over. Make a point of saying "I've not bought enough for 3, I only plan on catering for 2." And be sure to tell her she needs to go. If she offers to stay but not eat, say you'd feel awkward and you would like her to leave.

You will need to be blunt, she didn't learn this wasn't ok behaviour as a child so she needs to learn now.

Agree with PP that tonight/tomorrow night you should meet her at the door with her stuff and say you can't let her in today, you aren't feeling up for company. Don't let her in this week! Start breaking the habits.

It might help to role play how you will answer any of her ways to stay with your DP - so things like if she says she doesn't mind not eating while you're having dinner "oh no, that would make me feel really awkward, did you have a coat with you?" (And stand up holding it, her bag etc)

Different things you can say to not let her over the doorstep.

Remember it's always ok to say "no, I just want it to be just me and DP tonight, I don't fancy company."

It does seem your mums kindness has lead you to believe that if someone wants to be in your home you have a duty to host them until they decide they want to leave.

You seem to focus on making her want to leave by not feeding her, rather than asking her to go. It might feel rude but remember she's being ruder by not bothering to check you want her in your home and effectively using your home as a way of hiding from having to deal with her awkward flat mate situation.

She does sound like someone who likes an easy life, however its not fair that she's not prepared to sort out her home life and make yours a wreck.

Say, its not working for me you coming round every evening ...can we meet for coffee at x place at x time on Sunday evening.

She'd be absolutely mortified if she knew she was being such a nuisance

She's too thick skinned to be mortified - do you honestly think she doesn't KNOW she's taking the piss?
Good friends would start bringing food with them, offering to cook/takeaway but she hasn't done any of that.

She knows your weak points, OP.
She knows how to manipulate you - by maneuvering you into an uncomfortable and awkward position/situation, knowing that you will 'put up' with it rather than face it.

She cares nothing for your boundaries or your personal space.
She has no respect for YOUR home....guess in her mind 'once flatmates always flatmates'

She isn't 'lovely', she's a blatant piss taker and user.

Ahh I suspect that the fact that the three of you used to live together means that she sees absolutely no problem in hanging out all the time with her flatmates (whether she sees you as former flatmates is debateable) It may eventually damage your relationship with your partner though if you don't manage to stop this now.

Awful for you OP, but i love CF threads. Similar seems to be happening to me right now so I watch with interest.

i also don't understand how people let these situations carry on and feel helpless.

If someone is being this overbearing and pushy - just don't let them past the front door.
You should have pulled her up on her stalkerish and rather controlling nature when she mentioned your cars being parked outside when you said you were going out.

I used to have a friend who i thought was my best friend.....until i started having to pull back.
Ignored the phone, texts....until one day i discovered she had installed a tracking app on my phone (i had no idea!).
I only found that out because i'd change my route home everyday (that's what it had come to) and yet somehow she would 'find' me

I would tell her that you and DP are planning on ramping up your sex life so but she's welcome to come around on x evening and to bring pizza for you all for tea!

Could you set DP up as the bad guy? If he's genuinely getting fed up of her company and not being at leisure to swing you from the chandeliers whenever the mood strikes then he might be happy to take the blame. Then you can say he's getting fed up of her taking over the house so could she fuck off by 8pm / only come round when it's his tiddlywinks night.

Ah, the "former flat mates" thing makes it all a bit clearer.

What was she like when she lived with you guys? Did she also take the piss a bit with boundaries/food?

Her flat situation sounds ridiculous too - she needs to be a grown up and step up.

I'd be not thinking of her as "lovely" by now but as "massive burden that means my DH will start to think I care more about her than him".

Be blunt.

Pizza situation "No! Go home & buy one on the way - you can't cook ours!"

Pickup situation "Here's the parcels - sorry, like I said I'm swamped so can't invite you in tonight."

Sit on sofa quietly while you work situation "Sorry I really do need to concentrate today - let's go to the pub tomorrow instead."

But why can't people just nicely say NO? I wouldn't be mean with it, I would put it carefully but I honestly would say so there's no ambiguity. If she blames her DH, that's another possible problem because woman will come round still and just be arsey with OP's husband.

Just say to her that it's all crept up to a bit much and you aren't going anywhere but it isn't fair on both you and your DH to have another person there every night and from now on she is not to turn up, not to 'pop in' but you will invite her every now and again. And apart from that you are on the end of a phone if something with the flatmates becomes urgent.

Agree with PP's. Any true friend would not be monopolising you like this. Any normal friend would pick up a vibe and back off. So unfortunately you have to spell it out. If friend then takes no notice, or gets arsey, you will know what sort of friend she is, and it won't be a good one.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too.

One pick up this week- she can collect everything after the Amazon delivery.

And you told her you "absolutely can't host" so if she even tries to come in "just for a cuppa" she is a CF extraordinaire and doesn't care about the value of your time, just her own desires. Rebuff at the doorstep! Make it clear in text beforehand you'll be doing so.

She actively WANTS to contiue being the victim in her current home situation - otherwise she'd of taken the legal route - truth is she's comfortable - of course she knows she's over-stayed her welcome - she just puts her own selfish need above yours...

My advice - as a temporary measure start playing at being match-makers and invite completely unsuitable folk around - she'll get the message

OP, you consider her a lovely person and a very close personal friend of many years so you need to talk to her about her behaviour.

You now have confirmation from your mum that she has done this for a very long time, she probably doesn't realise the impact this is having on those around her as no-one has pointed it out to her instead everyone just carries on enabling her.

Tell her clearly and concisely that you find this behaviour of hers difficult and unacceptable (give examples as you have here) and that it is straining your friendship and causing you to think differently of her.