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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

210 replies

MessyHouse91 · 29/08/2017 16:34

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

OP posts:
Maelstrop · 31/08/2017 11:31

Fab, just don't let her come back after the pub! Make out that you're going to jump your dh's bones!

Donttouchthethings · 31/08/2017 11:37

I'm another one who thinks she gets comfort from being with you. It sounds like she sees you as family and has got into certain habits which she needs training out of. I would suggest being firm but gentle. Use the broken record technique of repeating the same thing. "No, that doesn't work for me." Etc.

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/08/2017 11:38

Well done OP for starting to say No. Just remember how you felt when you first posted in AIBU. And start to reclaim back your peace, quiet & relaxing evenings & dinners with just you & DH.
Don't let any of your natural wish to defend your friend on this thread, disway (sp?) you from that. PP have all said various levels of 'Gosh she is being intrusive and unreasonable'.
I think you and DH deserve to enjoy your home without constant intrusion nor any unfounded guilt.

Gemini69 · 31/08/2017 13:14

well done OP.. it's a start in the right direction Flowers

ArcheryAnnie · 31/08/2017 13:16

Well done, OP.

I can understand the twin feelings of considering her a great friend, and at the same time finding her behaviour absolutely impossible. It sounds like you are on the right track to changing this.

Nikephorus · 31/08/2017 14:15

just don't let her come back after the pub
This ^^ She'll be ready to suggest it - be ready to refuse.

SuburbanRhonda · 31/08/2017 14:41

Two things:

(1) there would be no cheeky fuckers if people weren't such doormats, and

(2) she sub-lets? Isn't that illegal?

WiganPierre · 31/08/2017 15:30

Bless you, OP. You are a good friend. But please be more assertive! She is only acting this way because you let her. If it were me I wouldn't answer the door unless I was expecting her, and ask her to leave when i wanted her to go. It sounds like you are setting the groundwork for a new routine, which is great. One night a week with alternating takeaways sounds good.

Please continue to update because I'm really enjoying this Grin

Nikephorus · 31/08/2017 15:31

If it were me I wouldn't answer the door unless I was expecting her
I wouldn't answer the door if I was expecting her Grin

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/08/2017 15:42

*'dissuade' not 'disway'!!
That word I couldn't spell in my 11:38 post has bugged me all day!! goes off track sorry

DooWhaaDiddy · 31/08/2017 17:17

@motoko that's exactly what I thought 😂.

Gemini69 · 31/08/2017 17:41

on a personal note.. I loathe unexpected visitors... Grin

Textpectation · 31/08/2017 17:48

It's not a bad habit to her, after three weeks she'll be back and worse than before. The only way to change this is by having a difficult situation.

Gemini69 · 31/08/2017 17:52

or Move Hmm

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 18:08

Do you like her? Regardless of her problems she sounds awful, I wouldn't want to continue the friendship in this situation. She has no boundaries and is completely selfish and thoughtless. I know you probably don't want to fall out but I would send a pretty blunt text and cut my losses. What do you get out of the friendship?

Whereismumhiding2 · 31/08/2017 18:26

I don't think OP wants to lose the friendship, I think she just wants her to stop dropping by and overstaying all the time. Which is what she is trying to say kindly now to her friend.

HappenedForAReisling · 31/08/2017 18:31

Despite following the thread from the beginning I've only just figured out it's a Cheeky Fucker Friend and not a Close Family Friend Blush

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 18:47

Fair enough. I'm probably just intolerant, but someone this oblivious would drive me up the wall.

niccyb · 31/08/2017 18:54

It sounds like she's having a tougher time than what she has told you and may be putting on a brace face. She is coming to yours more often to avoid what is happening in her own life. i would suggest you sit her down and have a conversation and explain she cannot keep coming to yours to avoid matters.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2017 19:46

The thing is, she is not a good friend if she is not respecting you or your boundaries. It almost seems like she is using you. If you have to constantly dodge her, and are on edge, it is not what I call a good friendship, good friends just don't behave like that. None of my good friends would even dream of doing such a thing, and we are all there for each other, and have been supportive to each other in times of need.

Aeroflotgirl · 31/08/2017 19:51

If her home situation is tougher than she makes out, its not that, she is just so rude to op, i would never dream of helping myself to my friends food, or taking the piss, which is what she is doing.

Petalflowers · 31/08/2017 20:19

Well done on setting boundaries and taking the initiative. What's the betting that she doesn't offer to buy any drinks at the pub, or has forgotten her money, ...

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 20:19

The things that would rankle with me are e.g. when you've said you're busy she still asks to come round. Getting parcels delivered to your house...ok you're working from home but it's still really cheeky, as a one off after asking permission it would be ok but not with the approach she has. And with the pizza...she asked, you said no and she still had to push it (and work in the assumption that she'd be back round in the next couple of days). So rude. It's disrespectful to you as a couple (doesn't she give it a moment's thought that you and DH might like some quality time together?). In some ways it's nice to feel needed and important in someone's life and of course you want to be supportive but this is someone just pushing and pushing their luck. She's not treating you as a person in your own right with your own life, needs and wishes, I don't think it's even crossing her mind to do so. She sounds adolescent at best, sorry.

DrinkFeckArseGirls · 31/08/2017 20:23

I think she thinks it's alright because you used to live together amd your place is an extension of that.

Fudgit · 31/08/2017 20:28

But no sensible, considerate adult would think like that surely Confused. She must have some inkling?