To have absolutely had it with CFfriend!

[MessyHouse91]

I have a friend who for a few different reasons is having a bit of a crap time at home (living in a rented flat with dreadful housemates - different thread entirely). I'm not worried about her MH or physical safety at all, I'm just aware that it's a little awkward.

During this time she's got into the habit of spending a lot of time at mine. This would usually be absolutely fine - she's one of my oldest friends and if she popped over for a cup of tea and headed home she would be welcome as often as she liked.

In the last few weeks she's been overstaying her welcome a little. She hates cooking and would always rather come round for dinner - she'll hang around nattering away until 9pm and then start doing a 'ooh I'm so hungry, what're you two having for dinner?' performance. She does this a couple of times a week, so I don't think she's genuinely only just realised the time and that we haven't eaten, I think she knows that I find it awkward and will just cook her something.

The other day she just got up from the sofa and said 'I'm going to get myself something to eat', then shouts in from the other room 'this pizza looks nice, shall I chuck it on for us?'.

I've started trying to limit the number of times she comes round as much as I can. Last week I said I was very busy at work so couldn't really host, she said she'd be fine just sat on the sofa if I sit in the study and work.

This week I said I absolutely can't host, but she texted me today to say that she left some stuff here over the weekend so can she pop over to pick it up, and that tomorrow she's having an amazon delivery here (I work from home so really don't mind signing for it) so she'll have to pop over tomorrow night too. I really wouldn't mind but she tends to 'pop over' for something, then start saying that it's awkward at home and can she just pop in to talk about it, then next thing you know it's 9pm and we're feeding her.

It's genuinely at the point where DP and I will plan our meals based on
a. it's something quick so we can be washing up when she arrives. or
b. it's something cheap so we don't mind making a load of it.
She earns significantly more than both DP and me and has very few outgoings so I really don't think it's a money issue. DP and I aren't struggling, but we do have to budget the food shop and it would help if we're not cooking for three.

Any tips to get rid of her? In all other aspects she's a great friend and would do anything for me, so I really don't want to lose the friendship over it.

I have no helpful suggestions that others haven't already given.

I'm not placemarking, not me

Hahahahaha!

Milkshake is showing the episode of Peppa Pig where they go to see Kylie Kangaroo's family in Australia and just make themselves at home for ages. The parent Kangaroos are getting obviously annoyed at the imposition.

It's amused me that they are playing this episode just as I am reading this thread.

She's still treating you like flat mates, like she cohabits with you still.

You need to draw the line, she is a guest in your home.

Could you try pulling the old switcheroo on her? For example, if she normally 'pops in' at 7, you turn up at hers at 6.30. Make a point of saying 'I was just passing - I know you're really busy, so I won't stay long', spend ten minutes having a brew, and then go. It would take someone especially oblivious to boundaries to then turn up at your place an hour later. Even better, make this quick visit on a Monday night and say 'I wanted to pop in as I'm snowed under this week and I won't see you for a while'. If you can then suggest a firm arrangement - maybe a drink out somewhere instead of a visit - for a week or two in the future and say 'I'll see you next Thursday then', you can raise the idea that you won't be available before then.

my concern is that we're enabling her

You really are. Why should she sit at home all lonely and eat on her own when she can be round at yours, getting fed and having company? She'll never stop unless you tell her bluntly it's nice to see her occasionally, but she doesn't live at yours and you and your dp need time to yourselves. Stop feeling guilty that you moved out to live with a fella and she didn't. Doesn't she have any other friends or am boyfriend, or have they all got fed up with her too?

You need to email her or phone her during the day to explain how this is making you feel. Don't wait until she's at the door. It's harder to maintain your nerve face to face if you're still wobbling about what to do but, conversely, once you've really had it you may find yourself ranting at her and saying something you'd regret.

I would email her TODAY with one of the responses above. You could offer to see her outside if the home (pub lunch) to talk through her housing situation one more time to see if you can get to a way forward.

I would also contact her during the day - less harsh than turning her away at the door.
Use some of the phrases suggested on her - need time for DH and I on our own, we can only see each other a couple of nights a week etc.

Let us know how it goes!

If the parcel comes today, could you maybe drop it off at hers? "I was just passing so thought i'd pop this in for you! Save you the bother of coming round later...."

I absolutely LOVE the advice here by several people of setting a specific day. That's a very kind and assertive way of putting in some groundrules. I also like the suggestions of you popping in on her (eg with parcel or before she'd come to yours) to pre-empt her turning up.

Brilliant suggestions. Nothing mean. But gives you the opportunity to reset.

Good luck,and let us know how it goes.

Off the topic - but what was the new Bake Off like? I recorded it but haven't seen yet. Feel vaguely dis-loyal for even recording it! Loved Mary, Mel and Sue!!!! But I like Sandi and Noel, so not sure....

BeingATwat

. I have to know..... How did Kylie Kangaroos family deal with the unwanted guest? Any tips for the OP.

Keepserving it went against my better judgement but I quite enjoyed it but I love Sandi so that might have something to do with it.

Good luck at standing firm OP

my concern is that we're enabling her and therefore she has no incentive to change them, so we're doing her no favours

Bingo. You've just hit the nail on the head. As a PP has remarked what does she do for YOU ?

She has re-created or is trying to re-create the flat share situation at your house. Because that suits HER. She's angry that you left and there's also the problem of the shit bag house mates for her to deal with. Which she won't do 'cause it's just something else that's, 'to hard' and has been mentioned earlier she needs to grow up but won't.

So, stop enabling her.

Laundry ? Postal deliveries ? Turning up for food ? Since when did you become her mum ? Her asking to come the next day or the next day or even the next day to do laundry left me open mouthed. That's quite obviously rude. Isn't it time you asked her outright, 'you're taking the piss aren't you ?'

You work from home. He view seems to be, 'well you're not doing anything'.

SHE has decided that YOU will provide. Even though she's getting help with the running costs of her place with the rent the house sharers pay. She doesn't really want to let go of that i.e. their money, does she ? So, what's the motivation to chuck them out. She just ducks the issue by coming to your house. I find it interesting that she does not really respect you as a couple i.e. your space.

Sorry but she's actually a leech and has zero respect for you and your household and the ebb and flow of your life.

My husband has a friend like this. Pleasant enough but his selfishness leaves me open-mouthed. It's quite subtle and linked to his obsessional mean-ness.

Silly things like visiting us again when we were holidaying near where he lives for the sole purpose of him wasting time that should have been spent at home with his wife and kids. Avoiding, 'cactus hour' under the guise of catching up with an old buddy. Even though that had taken place a couple of nights before.

Deliberately talking and talking until it got to gone 8pm and we were going to miss the restaurants in their small town. Whilst he just mooched off back home. Slowly walking the long way back to kill even more time before returning.

We just about made it. I found it infuriating that he knew we could miss dinner but couldn't care less that we would have gone hungry that evening. He just wanted to waste our time as it meant nothing to him.

ItBroke

Appropriately, it goes on over several episodes. I will update you as it continues. So far, Mummy Kangaroo has been forced to take them all to work with her.

BeingATwat
Oooh, sounds like a potential 'cheeky fucker neighbour' thread. 😂

Op, guessing you moved out because you & DH wanted to live alone and build a life together. (Or you'd have stayed or invited her to move in with you!). Just say that!
That ...
*DH & I want our time together as a couple on our own most evenings.. (even add...we want to cuddle, DTD all over the house, even during Bake Off, if we feel like it ...)
*DH & I like cooking & eating together just the two of us, in our evenings, as it's romantic.

• You dropping by daily all evening has to stop, i'll arrange a weekly catch up outside our house, as we can't go on like this, Much as we love you, you never just do a 10 min drop by. *No more popping by, staying til we have to feed you nor deliveries. It's obvious you're unhappy in your flat and you need to deal with it. Stop putting your life on hold and using us to hide from it. We wouldn't be good friends if we let this carry on, as it's unhealthy. *If there's an emergency, you ring and I'll meet you.

Definitely drop the delivery off yourself to her.
And someone that doesn't sort out a problem that's supposedly such a big deal when they've been offered help, but lets it drag on & on is enjoying the attention. She's not going to sort out the housing situation because she has your lovely home, with its tumble drier, pizza supply & delightful company, plus it's concierge service.
Just stop answering the door - you know it'll be her so just stay put & when she asks afterwards why you didn't answer just say you were busy.

This is a tough situation especially as you don't want to lose the friendship. I agree with pp's saying set a specific day - my best friend and I see each other every Wednesday night without fail. It's our night and I look forward to it every week. Could you do that? Otherwise you run the risk of destroying the friendship through overdosing on each other - there is already resentment building or you wouldn't have posted. FWIW I imagine she is well aware what she is doing now as I also have felt very guilty over the last year since my marriage broke down as I have leant heavily on my best friend and feel I haven't been putting as much into the friendship but she has done so much. I'm making sure I do lots of little nice things for her now I'm stronger to let her know how much I appreciate her.

Sorry no help
I'd only put up with this for so long before I'd be out-a LOT!

She's had to develop a really thick skin and I'd feel a bit sorry for her too. But sounds like she's not short of cash. I agree once a week invite round for a meal. Other times put on your coat and say sorry we're just about to go out see you on (whatever day your arranged) It is hard getting rid of unwelcome guests. Last try say look this is going to cause us to fall out if you keep dropping in like this and I wouldn't want that.

Monday - 'We're having a date night tonight, maybe another night?'

Tuesday - 'So sorry but I'm not feeling too great I'm having an early night'

Wednesday - 'Oh DH has caught my bug he is on the sofa for the evening'

Thursday - 'Still feeling a bit rubbish, come over tomorrow instead?'

Friday - 'Sure it'll be nice to see you, I haven't had a chance to do any shopping being poorly I wonder if you would mind picking up a take away for the 3 of us and maybe a bottle of wine?'

Saturday - 'Bit too much wine, sore head!'

Sunday - 'Having a loft clear out, house is not organised and we're so busy, sorry!'

It's all about breaking the habit but clearly you don't mind having her over, just not so often! So take it one day at a time and also try get her to do her part. And good luck :D

Every time she calls/comes/texts, pretend you're in the middle of having sex, or are about to have sex.

Why don't you try and she charge of the situation rather than waiting for her to turn up?

Text her and say....

If you plan on coming round tomorrow it's your turn to buy the takeaway

Following day:

I'm planning on having an 'early night with dp'

Next day

Your turn to cook, feel free to use my cooker

Etc etc

Be firm with her tomorrow.

You're tip-toeing around on eggshells with someone who has the hide of a rhinoceros.

You're taking incredible care of her feelings while she doesn't even consider yours.

Definitely time to be (kind but) firm.

Email her the following....
Dear......
DP and I would appreciate some quality time in our own home and would therefore appreciate you spending some time in yours.
Kind regards.

I'm guessing that friend is round at OP's now watching her tv & eating her food while her washing is in the machine
Or maybe OP is sitting silently on the sofa with OH with the tv on mute pretending to be out while friend rings bell & calls through letterbox...!