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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

405 replies

MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 00:50

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

OP posts:
Shootfirstaskquestionslater · 29/08/2017 00:55

Didn't want to read and run no I don't think you should pay for the surgery it's not your fault that your daughter got to the weight that she did. If she wants the skin removing then she needs to find a way of paying for it herself. I'm overweight too and I wouldn't expect my parents to fork out for me to have skin removed.

Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 00:57

I think you should help her out if you can.

I think you are being very unreasonable for completely abdicating any responsibility for your childs health when she was under your care.

Namesarehard · 29/08/2017 00:58

A couple of things stand out. Firstly if she was overweight at 8 then that is parental responsibility. She may have been sneaking food but you put the wrong foods there that would have caused the weight gain. When you realised at the time what she was doing it should have been addressed then.

As for the money, it's up to you. Personally if it was me and I could afford to then yes u would pay. She's only young. She's done well to lose all that weight and if the lose skin is bad it can cause problems for her into adulthood (confidence, relationships etc).

MrsOverTheRoad · 29/08/2017 01:00

I would help her.

You don't need to touch your nest egg. There are repayment plans which you pay monthly.

It WAS your fault really OP if the weight she put on slowly as a child was not due to underlying health issues.

She was 8 when the cycle started....you fed her...you bought food.

That's your responsibility...she was a child....the pattern starts young and continues.

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:01

@Shootfirstaskquestionslater, thank you for your reply.

@Tessliketrees, I'm not passing all the blame, as maybe there were some not perfect foods there, but I had 2 other children too and sometimes the odd treat was fine, she was the one who ended up sneaking lots of what was there.

@Namesarehard, I tried to address it as much as I could, but as she got older and older, it was becoming more impossible.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 01:04

I'm not passing all the blame
she was the one...

Okay.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 29/08/2017 01:04

She was 8 when the cycle started....you fed her...you bought food.That's your responsibility...she was a child....the pattern starts young and continues

^ This. Of course you should pay if you can.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:05

How much weight has she lost OP?

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:07

Do you honestly think what a teenager does is my fault? If your teenager stole from a shop, do you think that would be your fault? I mean seriously.

If it's all my fault, why are my other 2 children not overweight and never have been?

I don't necessarily have the funds to pay, that money is so I am financially safe.

OP posts:
pringlecat · 29/08/2017 01:07

You would be unreasonable not to help her if you can afford to. Can you?

You say all the DC are at university. Could you scale back on what everyone is getting, or would that create financial hardship?

How much of the nest egg would be eroded and how quickly could you replace it?

AlmostAJillSandwich · 29/08/2017 01:09

She has every right to blame you for encouraging a bad relationship with food and setting her up to end up fat. I feel exactly tbe same as ive been big since i was a child due to being served far too big portions and becoming used to that amount that less didnt fill me up. Too much processed food too not enough veg. Unless she had a medical problem physically; to be overweight at 8 you were feeding her too much. An 8 year old doesnt do the food shop, or cook the meals, the parent does. If you didnt buy junk or snacks she couldnt eat any. If you didnt give pocket money in hand she couldnt spend it down the shops on crap.
You knew she was overweight and did nothing. She got older and it was ingrained learned behaviour so she didnt stop.

I dont think yabu to not pay for the surgery if it will leave you financially vulnerable, but you do need to accept her unhealthy relationship with food was your fault.

PovertyPain · 29/08/2017 01:09

Do some the plastic surgeons do a payment scheme?

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:09

@HelenaDove, she has lost 11 stone and is currently at her target weight at the club she goes to, she won a young person award for it and i am really proud of her.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 01:10

One of my teens smokes. Has done since his early teens. I abso-fucking-lutely accept my fair share of responsibility for it. I funded it, I failed to notice it, I smoked myself when he was young, I didn't handle it effectively when I found out. I am still trying.

What is telling about your posts is everything is about how you feel and how this has affected you. If it were me I would be wondering why my child is suddenly able to lose weight when she becomes an adult but when she was under my care she couldn't.

pioe · 29/08/2017 01:10

Wow 11 stone is amazing! Could you offer her half of the money? And then put the rest on a payment plan?

libbyliz83 · 29/08/2017 01:11

I'm wondering if a half and half strategy would help here.
If what i have concluded from what i read was correct then her overeating is half your fault for having the food available and half her fault for taking it whenever she wanted.
IF that is a fair assessment then I would talk about that with her and suggest a half and half cost towards the surgery - you will pay half if she raises the other half.

DirigiblePlums · 29/08/2017 01:11

I know how hard it can be when you have one dc who overeats. I have had the same prob, I want my dd to eat healthily so i buy plenty of fruit etc.. for her but as i have other dc i buy the odd treat and snack for them, which my dd inevitably also finds in the cupboard. So i know its hard.

ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:12

Do you think the surgery will make a real difference to her happiness? If you honestly do, I think you should help her.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:12

She has done fantastically well. Thats brilliant You are right to be proud.

I have lost 10 stone myself and have a bit of a belly overhang from when i was 21 stone. So ive been there.

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:12

@pringlecat, if I am being honest, I think that will cause my 2 other children to hate on her and I don't want that situation at all.

I have about 40k from my husband and it would probably take half of that, as it would be for her arms and legs too.

@PovertyPain, I honestly don't know about any payment plans they may have.

OP posts:
Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 01:13

I think that will cause my 2 other children to hate on her

Why?

IAmTheDragon · 29/08/2017 01:13

I think you should pay what you can.

LondonLassInTheCountry · 29/08/2017 01:13

You help the other two, so why cant you help her....

ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:14

Your other two children would "hate on her"? Hmm

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:14

I have lumpy legs due to having lipodema which i inherited from my gran.

Did she lose the weight quite fast.