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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

405 replies

MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 00:50

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:29

She said in therapy that she was only a child, not that she was an only child.

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:31

@Heebejeebees - what??? She said she was only a child so it was my fault because she was a child... Not that she was an only child.

OP posts:
Heebejeebees · 29/08/2017 01:31

Who's kids are the 18 and 21 year old? Because the argument about it was on her that got fat doesn't wash if these are step kids etc. Also, if there was a broken marriage, step kids, new relationship, it can be very emotional. Girls have pre dispositions to over eat.

'She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.'

Namesarehard · 29/08/2017 01:31

I think since you have the money it's the very least you can do for her is to pay. The way your avoiding all responsibility speaks volumes on how you would have approached it years back.
I'm glad she's been able to lose it all at a young age. I hope she has the skin removed and it's enough to make her change her eating habits for life.

ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:31

If it would make a real difference to her psychological well being why wouldn't you help?
I don't see why it's the business of her siblings either.

Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 01:32

I always discuss things with my children?

I don't even know what this means.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:32

" She's of an age where she is going to want to form relationships, and may well be too embarrassed to do so because of the loose skin"

Which IMO is even harder today than it was when i was a teen (im 44) because the expectations looks wise are so much higher.

Heebejeebees · 29/08/2017 01:32

Sorry! Sorry! I thought it read an only child. My fault completely x

Original poster
MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 01:32

@Heebejeebees, they are my children??? No broken marriage either... My husband (their dad) passed away and the 40k is what I have left.

OP posts:
Rach5l · 29/08/2017 01:33

I don't understand the hate you're getting. There's absolutely nothing my mum could've done to stop me getting fat, I was obsessed with food. I'd steal it, eat other's leftovers, eat other peoples lunch as well as my own if they didn't want it, nick money from her purse to buy it from the corner shop from at least age 8. I was greedy, my siblings weren't. She tried all she could but was terrified of hurting my feelings and making things worse.
I don't think a lot of these pp's have had to deal with an overweight child. It's oh so easy to pass judgement when you've never been there.

I feel for her though (as I can tell you do & obviously love her very much) Can you do a payment plan & offer to pay half? Or loan her the money with a payment plan back to you when she starts working? She's not always going to be on £10k. I'm on 12k & scratch by, there are ways of living very frugally

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:33

The fact she has lost all that weight at such a young age is a fantastic achievement.

smurfit · 29/08/2017 01:34

I think you should pay (not loan) - if she can keep the weight off for a year. I think in my country, weightloss must be maintained for 2 years before you qualify for publicly funded surgery. This gives the skin it's best chance to gain some elasticity back as well as ensuring it's a permanent habit.

My parents would absolutely have paid.

Perhaps as a compromise, you could pay for the arm surgery, then she could wear shirts and vests without feeling too exposed, the rest can be 'hidden' somewhat. It would usually be multiple surgeries anyway depending on the severity.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 01:36

Im sorry you lost your husband OP Thanks

Heebejeebees · 29/08/2017 01:37

Rach5l

I was a kid who went from thin to very fat. There is loads that could have been done for me. I stole from my dads change pot (they could have kept cash from my reach). I was ignored ( they could have paid attention) when years later I finally dieted but actually became anorexic, my friend who worked in a supermarket told my mum I was dieting so that was the start of the time she stopped buying treats.

Tessliketrees · 29/08/2017 01:37

Rach5l

I appreciate that parents sometimes can't do anything or else they make mistakes. My problem isn't that. As I said in an earlier post I have made mistakes. The issue is that the OP isn't accepting any responsibility at all.

Does your mum wish she had handled it differently? From your post it seems she did, maybe she couldn't change anything but most parents would feel a responsibility because ultimately we are responsible.

Fuckit2017 · 29/08/2017 01:39

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShoesHaveSouls · 29/08/2017 01:39

I'd help her.

This is your daughter - she has achieved incredible weight loss to go from 20st to a healthy weight.

And yes, as her mother, you have some responsibility for her weight gain from the age of 11.

ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:40

I'm not passing any opinion on fault or responsibility. I'm just somewhat surprised that the OP seemingly isn't too keen on helping her daughter to move on and become happier after her weight loss.

Rach5l · 29/08/2017 01:40

So sorry about your dhFlowers perhaps that is another reason she overate & its no ones 'fault'

Isn't the money he left behind for all of you though? Sorry if that sounds harsh. Tbh I would take out any loan to make my children happy. I think there is a middle ground here

ilovesooty · 29/08/2017 01:41

Fuckit put what I wanted to say.

Heebejeebees · 29/08/2017 01:41

OP - make her a deal, say in 18 months time you'll pay half, she has to save half and keep weight off. I was on minimum wage and saved £10k house deposit with 3 jobs living at home. It's all possible x

DarthMaiden · 29/08/2017 01:42

I think you are getting a hard time on here OP.

I know families where one child has "gone off the rails" - be it weight/drugs/education yet all parented with the same values.

Do I think you should help her now? Well yes. However I think it comes with some caveats. What you pay, she has to match.

She's done well losing weight. The loose skin will be a major issue for her. I don't think it's fair to let her go through her teens/twenties with this if you can help her.

As for her siblings - a bit of compassion wouldn't go amiss. Equally what might they face in the future? What help may they need. Being equal in parenting doesn't mean doing that at the same time.

Out2pasture · 29/08/2017 01:53

i guess first of all what is the cost for surgery?
are there options through NHS or is it always considered cosmetic?
could you help her in other ways so she could save more or assist with research on procedures and locations?
i don't think you are that well off unless you have lots of other savings and pension plan etc.
but i am the kind to offer some think in the line of 5K

SilverBirchTree · 29/08/2017 01:56

OP - it sounds as though you can't afford to help her financially. I'm assuming the surgery is less than £20,000, and if that amount is the difference between your being financially secure or not, then you simply don't have the money.

It's not relevant whose fault it is that she gained weight.

Your daughter will have to save up herself or look into loans. You can help her by giving her a place to live while she saves/pays off a loan

DeleteOrDecay · 29/08/2017 01:59

I'm not passing any opinion on fault or responsibility. I'm just somewhat surprised that the OP seemingly isn't too keen on helping her daughter to move on and become happier after her weight loss

This. Even if it wasn't your fault, why wouldn't you want to help if it would improve her quality of life?Confused