AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

"the rule was financial help until 21, so the fact she pays no rent come out of that to, so she will get the same till 21, so she plans on going to uni at 20, so will only get for a year anyway."

"my other children are 18 and 21. They are at university"

So you're only supporting one other child now? Or is the eldest getting more than entitled to under your rule? Do the other two hate him for taking from the money for them?

If you can afford it then pay it or pay half I think.
I have loads of loose skin, can't wave an arm without fear of the flab wacking someone!

The other thing is that the vast majority of those who lose a huge amount of weight will gain it back fairly soon afterwards, unless they have had bariatric surgery and permanently shrunk their stomach. This is why it would be sensible to give it at least a year for her weight to settle down.

If I were you, I would look into getting a loan, which you can pay off while she is at uni and she can take over when she has got a job. I think you need to talk to her and acknowledge her feelings. Yes, you feel that you did nothing wrong, but you need to see it from her viewpoint and at least legitimise her viewpoint.

I must say I am a little worried that she is pinning all the blame on you. It doesn't bode well if she cannot take at least partial responsibility for what she did which led her to get to this point. The worry is that she will have other life-setbacks and unless she can be accountable to herself, she may slip into old habits.

Im in the same boat as your dd having lost a lot of weight (19 stone). However I'm in my 40s so my skin has lost a lot of its elasticity.

I would suggest that as your dd is so young there's a good chance that her skin will recover. It's probably worth waiting for a couple of years to see. Make sure she moisturiser really well and uses something like bio oil in the meantime though.

Skin removal surgery is a lot trickier than it sounds and the recovery is very painful. If she can avoid or reduce the extent of it then it's worth a go.

@bundle she has already said the father died. RTFT ffs.

I would suggest that as your dd is so young there's a good chance that her skin will recover.
This is not correct at all. Although skin is more flexible at that age, it doesn't mean that because you are younger, it will automatically do so. It comes down to the structure of your skin and unfortunately down to luck.

If she has loose skin now, it will not get better no matter what and surgery is the only option.

I personally would loan the money.

In your financial circumstances I'd pay. It almost sounds like you and your other DC feel she doesn't really deserve help as it was her fault for getting fat. Regardless of blame she was just a child when she gained weight so even if you had done everything you possibly could, it's still unfair to blame a child or teenager. I sort of feel like she is being punished for ever gaining weight in the first place. Yes this is something that you won't be spending on your other children but surely as a family you all want each other to be happy? You've raised some pretty mean children if they will "hate" on their sister for getting this. They say it's her responsibility well hasn't she taken responsibility for her weight by losing 11 stone??? Give the poor girl a break.

The moralizing side of weight gain is a sad thing, lean people cannot understand why people can't have more self control etc when actually it's not totally that simple. Once you've gained a bit your reaction to insulin changes making you hungrier and simultaneously less able to burn fat. Her weight gain as a child likely facilitated the faster gain she had as a teenager. Couple that with the shame she feels with her family.... It's a bad mix.

You'll still have 20k so hardly financially insecure and isn't your child's happiness worth it.

Regardless of the blame game this is your child and you are in a position to help surely one of your goals as a parent is to see them healthy and happy ? She's done so well to lose all that weight but mentally she will now be struggling with the excess skin.

It sounds to me OP that you have taken her weight gain very personally, which I'm sure is very natural. People have probably been judging you for years about it. Your DD has blamed you too. All in all I'm sure it's been terrible for both of you, and I'm pleased your DD is getting counseling and the help she needs.
I imagine that the excess skin is holding her back, and I think paying for the removal would be a kindness to her, and the increase in her confidence may spur her on to get a higher paid job.
I think you should lend her the money if you can.

Also I'm assuming the plan isn't for her to stay in a min wage job forever. After uni she may well be in a position to start paying you back.

I'd also wager having her at home costs less than however much you give your other children (assume the 21 year old isn't getting anything now though?) and once she does start uni by your rules she'll only have further (more expensive for you) financial help for a year compared to your other children who got it longer.

Sorry I'd missed that

is there any funding available for this.
I know it sounds daft but is there any charity/person who would fund it.
would it help if she put it as a motivation to do something sponsored to raise funds too.
can you afford any of it?
if you cant afford it you cant do it.but are you feeling you shouldn't rather than cant.
this is a really confusing one I'm struggling from both sides.
and I don't think we have enough of the story or emotions that seem to be tingling on the edge of this op.i think there is more to it.

No I don't think you should pay, yes as a kid it was partly you but she's been overweight up to 18 yes? So that's from about and 12 for her to realise she's overweight and ask for help/listen to you helping her.

Also it's worth her waiting for a bit as there's a real chance she'll put it all back on, so if she waits that gives her chance to try and raise some of the money, maybe then you can put half to.

No, I don't think yabu at all op and I think you're right to consider the siblings, of course on mn siblings are utterly reasonable and would gladly sell their own kidneys to help their dsis but IRL of course there will be jealousy, maybe we'll hidden, but jealousy and resentment never the less. I'll never forget the day my mum gave my dbro £5k to help him kit out his home, I didn't get any because I worked and was sensible so was deemed not to need assistance, whereas he was on the role, lazy, and daft. That was 15 years ago and I still resent it.

wheredoesallthetimego - very informative, thank you

I guess it's completely fair enough, the NHS is stretched to it's limits money-wise as it is.

It almost sounds like you and your other DC feel she doesn't really deserve help as it was her fault for getting fat. Regardless of blame she was just a child when she gained weight so even if you had done everything you possibly could, it's still unfair to blame a child or teenager. I sort of feel like she is being punished for ever gaining weight in the first place.

This in spades

I would so give my dd the money if I knew it would improve her life.

It would have fuck all to do with the other children, who also seem to resent this child.

It IS your fault your child was fat at 8 years old.

Please accept at least some responsibility.

I would be inclined to help my child, obesity is complex, it's not about just being greedy.
It is dreadful being that age with folds of loose skin, you feel unnable to have relationships and lead a normal life, it can cause severe psychological problems.
I didn't get overweight in pregnancy but becasue I have a connective tissue disorder my tummy hung in folds afterwards like a sharpei dog. I was only 21 and suffered mentally for years and years before finally being able to afford the surgery in later life but that meant never wearing any revealing clothes or swimwear for my entire youth.
It definitely affected all my relationships and my mental health.
I'm not saying you should pay for it all but I think you could help. Maybe half and say your daughter must save up the other half, get another job as well, that's what I did to pay for mine, I worked 6 days a week until I had enough money.

This thread makes me so incredibly sad. I think your other two children have some issues if they would 'hate' her because of this as you say. My two are a similar age and I know they'd probably be begging me to pay the money to help their sibling.

And also to the poster who compared letting your child get fat to children getting into drugs through no fault of the parent - OP's DD was 8 and fat. Not a 15 year old sneaking out to smoke weed when she's meant to be at school no matter how much you lecture her. An 8 year old who has virtually no access to food apart from their mum. I can't believe we'd actually be blaming an eight year old for getting fat by taking too much food.

I would help my DC out in your situation.

I have an excessive overhang from a twin pregnancy that has made me feel liw for 11 years and impacted on how I live. But im in my 40s and chickened out of a tummy tuck.

I wouldn't want my DC, as a young adult, to feel like that after she worked hard to lose it.

There are payment plans or loans. You do have a reasonable amount of money, so I would help her. If you don't help you run the potential of creating a divide as she may feel more resentful.

Forget all the blame and help your daughter to feel good (with the proviso that she will pay you back in bits when she starts work after uni if possible).

I would speak to a surgeon to get the full facts . I.e. Is it better to wait a year or two?
Are there payment options? Etcetc
All those insisting OP pays- how do we know that nothing will happen to put DD on the overeating path avgain?
You need the full facts first imv.

I think the clinic will probably offer a payment plan as not everyone will have the money up front. I think it would be nice to offer her some of the money, but are you sure the weight will stay off now? It would be awful to go through that surgery for nothing.

IME people don't value what comes too easy. For that reason I wouldn't fund the whole surgery but meet her halfway.
I say that as a mother of adult DCs - we were hard up when they were young and they went without a lot of things other children had. When they were teenagers we had more money so gave them more. The older DC are fine, they remember being poor and appreciate the extras. The younger ones have become quite entitled and we are now having to pull back on the financial support and encourage them to manage their expectations.

We do discuss somethings with our now adult children. But do not discuss things about one child with the others. This is just between you and her and nothing to do with your other children

Most people that lose that much weight generally put it back on within a year or two.

It is wise to wait at least a year to see if you daughter can maintain her weight loss. If she does I would pay for her surgery. To have such an amount of excess skin can be very devastating to a persons self esteem and 18 years old is quite a crucial age.