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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

405 replies

MrsParkinson · 29/08/2017 00:50

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

OP posts:
Ilikehappy · 29/08/2017 21:03

I think your daughter has done amazingly well to lose her weight. Its important not to make it into something negative. Make it something that draws you together as a family and forgive past mistakes by everyone. I would say to her if you can do this its shows you can do anything and I see a very bright future for you. Yes I would want her to complete her counselling and wait a while to get used to maintaining her weight and see if her skin improves somewhat naturally. But after that I would want to lend her the money for her surgery which she can pay back once she is earning. I would ask for repayment just because you or one of the other kids may need that money in future.

Beadieeye · 29/08/2017 21:05

You can afford it, you contributed to the weight gain whether you like to admit it or not, and you should help her and you know it. You're just trying to justify why you shouldn't, but why wouldn't you want to help? Why do you value the opinions of your other children more?
She has lost a significant amount of weight which will have left a significant amount of hanging skin. Most accounts of people in the same situation are proud of their achievement but wish they hadn't even lost the weight, as the loose skin causes so much psychological distress.
Not really sure why you're financially assisting the kids through uni, everyone I know had a student loan and were skint but that's how it is.
Your money, your prerogative though.

user1473602935 · 29/08/2017 21:14

I would help her if you can find a way. Poor girl but well done her!

Abra1d · 29/08/2017 21:24

Beadieye the OP lost her husband and was bringing up three bereaved children by herself.

Or did you miss that?

Some of the posts on this thread are cruel.

Imonlyfuckinghuman · 29/08/2017 21:25

Op you started the cycle off even if you want to believe it or not.

I'd give her the money or help her finance it.

She has done amazingly and tbh it's fuck all to do with her siblings

MazDazzle · 29/08/2017 21:31

I agree with some of the previous posters: pay for counselling, not plastic surgery!

mnaddict1 · 29/08/2017 21:34

My cousin was massively obese- lost 12 stone. Went to her gp as her loose skin was bothering her. The go couldn't sanction the surgery so my cousin thought sod it and regained all the weight and then some.

butterfly56 · 29/08/2017 21:35

I loaned my dd money and the arrangement was that she would faithfully pay it back. She did not pay it back even when she was earning a lot of money and has no intention of paying it back.
It left me in a very precarious financial situation as I had to leave a very good job(after 30yrs full time work) due to serious health problem and I had nothing to fall back on. I did not anticipate being too ill to ever work again.
Helping out adult children with money is all well and good but be prepared not to see any of it again.

butterfly56 · 29/08/2017 21:37

MrsParkinson in answer to your question YANBU at all and ignore the cruel comments on here.

MaisyPops · 29/08/2017 21:41

Wow. Some people are being harsh to the OP.

There comes a point whete choices are ours and cant be blamed on others.
My parents both smoked aroud me and my siblings and none of us smoke in adulthood.

Gaining a little weight in late childhood early teens is very common. Quite a lot of my friends had puppy fat. Most of them went on to lose it. A couple didn't, made loads of poor choices in their teens, blamed everyone else and then ended up losing it in adulthood because it turned out that they got fat by eating too much and not moving enough (their words, not mine).

If you can help a little OP then I would, but I wouldn't fund all of it, esepcially as she's still taking the 'it's your fault I ate too much' view. She's done well to lose the weight. Help a little if you can.

MaisyPops · 29/08/2017 21:42

*I say none of us smoke in adulthood. None of us havs every smoked.

We got through childhood and managed to realise that pumping your lungs wuth crap isnt good.

Same for eating too much junk.

grannytomine · 29/08/2017 21:43

There comes a point whete choices are ours and cant be blamed on others She was already overweight at 8, how old do you think children are when they take full responsibility for their weight.

MrsDustyBusty · 29/08/2017 21:53

She was already overweight at 8, how old do you think children are when they take full responsibility for their weight.

Yes, I find this callousness towards a child shocking. I don't know whether the OP should pay for surgery - I probably think she can't really afford it but I think the young woman deserves to be heard by her mother and to hear her mother admit that really, she should have and could have done more. I suspect posters here are not the only ones detecting defensiveness and do hostility.

To those who advocate a bootstrap and personal responsibility attitude, she's only 20. She has taken personal responsibility - she's lost an enormous amount of weight.

MaisyPops · 29/08/2017 21:55

granny
I've said there comes a point not that a child of 8 is wholly responsible.

The OP has other children who are not obese so she clearly was doing soemthing right.

Put it this way, a decent number of my friends ended up overweight at the top of primary/start of secondary sort of puppy fat.

In our teen years we can make decisions that set us up well or not. Some of my friends decided to est healthily and were a little larger but not much, some made massive efforts to get fit, some decided to do nothing and keep eating. By the end of school those children who were a little bigger at 8-12 were very different sizes.

Their size by the end of school wasn't their parents doing.
If my parents knew what I was eating during the day at school/college they'd have been less than impressed at the regular packs of cookies I used to buy before school. They aren't responsible if I get diabetes because I ate crap in my teens.

Beadieeye · 29/08/2017 21:56

Abra I'm sorry and that goes without saying but I was just answering the question, I don't see how anything I said could be construed as offensive?

MaisyPops · 29/08/2017 21:58

She has taken personal responsibility - she's lost an enormous amount of weight.
Which is brilliant.
It doesn't mean her mother is responsible for paying for expensive surgery when she has other children to consider.

Personally, I think if the OP can pay some and help then it would be a good thing to do. But she should do it because it's a good thing to do, not because (as people on here have suggested) the OP is the causes of someone getting over 10 stone overweight.

MrsDustyBusty · 29/08/2017 22:05

But she should do it because it's a good thing to do, not because (as people on here have suggested) the OP is the causes of someone getting over 10 stone overweight.

Her own daughter isn't some random stranger. The habits that led to massive weight gain were in place by eight since she was overweight by then. I'm astonished that people think it's fine to absolve yourself of responsibility for a child's health at 12 and make it their sole domain.

WhittlingIhopMonkey · 29/08/2017 22:12

20k or half your savings is way too much.

You did your best, your kid got fat anyway, but you don't need to emotionally flog yourself and risk financial insecurity to make up for her lack of control as a teen.gad she controlled herself as a teen she wouldn't have hit 20 stone

You could find the surgery and gain the weight back

Don't do it, let her find it herself and accept responsibility for her own actions

User1725352718263 · 29/08/2017 22:13

My dad paid for my breast reduction when I was younger. Reading posts like this one just reminds me how lucky I am.

MaisyPops · 29/08/2017 22:17

It's not absolving responsibility to point out that teenagers make their own choices.
Plus as I've mentioned i know many people who were a bit chubby between 8&12. Most of thrm didnt end up horrifically overweight

My DH has a sweet tooth and loves a sweet snack. His parents didnt create that in him.

The OP has other children who didnt end up overweight so it's not like she was feeding them all crap and letting them be sedentary. That's my point.

HelenaDove · 29/08/2017 22:18

She has accepted responsibility for her own actions Whittling. Shes lost 11 stone.

Unless your big reveal is that you did it for her somehow by the power of prayer.

VelvetKnickers · 29/08/2017 22:25

It’s less about who’s at fault and more about willingness or ‘want’ to help your child.

If my child needed something and I could financially help them I would. My children’s happiness is my happiness. I WANT to help my children regardless of the ins and outs of the situation.

That doesn’t mean to say you have to feel the same. But getting together with her siblings and getting all judgemental isn’t really fair or necessary.

Her weight loss is amazing and takes some willpower. I hope you are proud of her

Threenme · 29/08/2017 22:29

I'd pay. I know it's not a popular opinion on MN but I'd always do anything I could to help my kids regardless of age. They're not remotely spoilt. It's not for an exotic hol it's to improve her life quality and she has done so well. I'd be upset if my adult kids resented the other one getting this type of thing. I get loads more off my family than my db as he has no kids he doesn't resent it at all. In fact they benifit from him not having kids yet as he likes to treat them too. That is family to me.

User1725352718263 · 29/08/2017 22:53

Threenme I totally agree with you!

But here is mumsnet: never support your child unless it's about early age sex and alcohol consumption.

creampie · 29/08/2017 23:00

I can't see that anyone has posted this so just thought I'd add it as something to think about.

Abdominoplasty isn't really recommended if you are likely to gain weight again for any reason. Obviously this means relapsing with eating habits, but it also includes pregnancy.

If your daughter is planning on having children at any point, I would recommend waiting until afterwards to have the surgery. I have seen several patients who have a good result first time, Then get pregnant and need a revision of the abdominoplasty and it never takes quite as well the second time due to the skin being much poorer quality and less elastic. She's also more likely to end up with terrible stretch marks that the surgery may not be able to remove.

Definitely worth thinking about.