AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

You seem to have decided you don't want to help her and to have come here for validation of your decision. If I'm honest I would say you should do this. It will make a huge difference to her life. She has done the hard work.

There was a daily mirror article i saw some time ago (i cant bloody find it now though) about a woman roughly your daughters age OP. She had also lost a lot of weight but the article was about how the first time she disrobed for a boyfriend he laughed at and insulted her over her loose skin. I cant find the article now and ive done a few searches.

I think at 20 she'll probably be feeling insecure over her body I had a baby at 19 and hated looking at my peers after because of my 'mum tum' (wasnt even that bad!).

She has asked to 'borrow' the money and youve got it so I think if I was you id lend it her with maybe some sort of contract written down on how much she has to pay back and when.

When i write that I think it looks daft it is your daughter after all so maybe a contract is a bit much, but I do watch a lot of judge rinder and he loves things written down in a contract. I probably wouldnt even listen to me as im basing my advice on a daytime TV show but its late and im tired

I take issue with all the PP telling OP she should part with her nest egg for her adult daughter's benefit.

This attitude is why so many older women live in poverty. They are encouraged to sacrifice over and over again for others and then condemned for failing to plan for their own retirement.

OP is not a wealthy woman and she is in the second half of her working life, with no spouse to help. Her daughter has her whole working life ahead of her to save/pay off this cost

Would the surgery really cost £20k?

That seems like an massive over estimation, especially if she just needs a tummy tuck, and not a breast lift as well.

Oh wait ive just googled and it costs up to 6k for a tummy tuck apparently so thats not much on your 40k so I think id do it.

You can also get finance options aswell so maybe if you go together to get opinions and she could do that.

not only do i think the op isn't in a good financial shape to help her daughter i also have a hard time justifying it as the likelihood of her daughter putting the weight back on is high.

PitilessYank I have actually googled cant sleep either and from what I can gather its up to £6k

Outtopasture there may be a risk of that WITHOUT the surgery too if she gets depressed at the loose skin and then comfort eats as a result. Happened to a couple of women at my slimming class.

Ah i am sorry MrsParkinson and everyone for not RTFT properly I just read she'd want an arm and leg lift too so yes looks about 20k.

I think maybe i'd look at interest free finance options there are a few! Not sure how good they'd be though. Or maybe lend/give £6k for the tummy tuck and she can save for the rest.

It's not just a tummy tuck though, is it? A friend of mine lost 70 kilos in her early 20s. She required skin removed on her arms, legs and stomach. She also needed a breast lift because she had lost so much breast tissue. Its many surgeries performed at once.

Overweight people are still "othered" even after they have lost the weight.

"youll put it all back on" check.

"surely you can excersise off loose skin" check.

And i have had the latter said to me.

Yeah, sorry Silver xpost there.

Ive been quite lucky with my boobs They are still a good size (went from a 46G to a 32HH) My arms are quite spindly. Everyone ive showed my before and after photos too passes comment on that.

Don't be manipulated or pressurised into lending/giving your money away to family if you don't really want to.

I have a small emergency fund that I now keep quiet about. I find that family members and friends are eager for me to part with it for their benefit. It's my money and I'm going to be selfish and spend it how I want - emergencies only.

I choose to have emergency money available as I had real financial need twice some years ago (which was left to me to sort out with little help from others).

I think your daughter needs to maintain her current weight or get to her target weight and stay there for a while before surgery. I would maybe offer help towards the cost of a future surgery.

Everyone seems to want easy solutions and be unwilling to save up towards something.

Can she get an evening job? Extra shifts? Better paid job?

I saw a woman on Embarrassing Bodies who had lost about 7 stone - a lot of weight anyway. She literally had skin hanging from er, like she was wearing a suit. I don't know whether this is usual - but I certainly wouldn't wish that on any young woman.

I hope you can find some way to help her OP - whether it's paying all/part of it, or helping her with a finance plan? Presumably if she's planning Uni, she'll be in a position to repay you at some point in the future.

YABU and tbh quite heartless to your own daughter which I find quite shocking. Whether you want to admit it or not you are partly responsible for her weight gain (not fully but given she was 8 then you definitely had some responsibility).

I would loan her the money or give her at least half. Poor girl has done amazingly at losing all that weight and just needs a little help from her loving mother to keep that weight off (it must be affecting her mental health and therefore a real danger re: putting weight back on). You have the money - yes you want financial security but you earn a good wage. Maybe cut back on a few things and set up a repayment plan for her. It's not as if she wants to borrow money for a boob job or a new handbag. Having that extra skin must be soul destroying after working so hard to lose the weight. Why wouldn't you want to help your dd?
I feel so sad for her 😥

YY Fuckit Bang on.

contingent upon the weight staying off for 2/3 years

Obviously, we don't know what the psychological causes of the weight gain were, but given that therapy seems to have led the DD to blame the OP (whether fairly or not) and given that lots of eating disorders stem from people wanting/needing control they don't otherwise have, I would worry about adding conditions around what the DD eats to whether OP helps her financially. It might work out fine, or it might lead the OP to feeling more involved in DD's eating habits after funding £20k of surgery.

As a child of an overbearing DM myself, I think there's an argument for leaving DD to take responsibility for her body herself and funding her own surgery, so as to ensure she feels in control of her body through adulthood. Having dealt with eating disorders myself, I would be concerned about having the OP fund DD's surgery, especially if DD is presenting this as "what the OP should do to make amends" for something that is the OP's fault, as opposed to just helping out a DD in need.

It doesn't sound like DD has got everything together yet, and if she thinks that surgery (along with the OP effectively paying compensation for past actions) will magically change her psychological state and then it doesn't, OP could end up £20k down with an obese and depressed daughter who still blames her for everything.

I'd suggest family therapy (just you and DD, obviously) to get to the actual issues and work out what the best course of action is, OP. However, if you can't afford to fund the surgery anyway, I would be careful about suggesting to DD that you're thinking about it.

Fuckit I agree. She has done brilliantly people often do underestimate the willpower and determination it takes to become a 'normal' weight again for their BMI. I hope the OP sees this too.

HelenaDove you have done amazing and I hope you dont mind but I advanced searched your name and I love the support you have given to everyone on threads about losing weight. Inspirational

You should pay for it. Deduct the money from her share of inheritance if you like, but you should pay. Her gaining weight as a child was your fault.

So she was sneaking food? That's not normal, it's a sign of an unhealthy relationship with food, maybe emotional/disordered eating. You should have intervened and got her help.

As it is, she has overcome a huge amount and managed to get herself healthy. Help her be able to live a normal life.

irrespective of fault, I do think she should be supported in the fact that she has made such an effort to lose the weight. But is this a necessary operation? Is there no chance that her skin will have to elasticity to shrink of its own accord.

I wouldn't think twice about helping my Dr in this situation. And if necessary I would borrow it. It's a no brainer to me