AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

If she has the surgery and then gets pregnant she is very likely to need the same surgery again afterwards and will have a poorer result

I still think the OP's future financial security is her prime consideration. She is on her own. Suppose she gets ill and can't work? Or loses a job? Or needs to do up her house urgently?

She doesn't have a large rainy day fund.

Cream pie has it.
Also this is major surgery,she has only been at her target weight for a month.This is not to minimise her achievement but it is still early days.

It’s less about who’s at fault and more about willingness or ‘want’ to help your child.
If my child needed something and I could financially help them I would. My children’s happiness is my happiness.
That's my view. If she can afford to help a bit then it would be good to. But she does it because she's able to help them without conpromising financial security for the family, not out of some misplaced guilt/blame that's placed on her.

I'm glad your DD realises that she must wait at least 12months before she has the surgery. I hope she is also counselled properly about it, because, as Creampie has posted, getting pregnant or putting the weight back on can affect the reduced skin worse than if she hadn't had it reduced.
I would doubt that ALL her excess skin would go, but I think it would naturally reduce at least some over the next 12 months; hopefully she could hold out a bit longer than that too, if it does start to shrink back.
Plus the longer she waits, the longer she has to save some money towards the op herself, and I STILL say it would be better if you could both go halves on it, assuming that you think you could afford to lose that. Hopefully in over a year you won't be in the position of still supporting your oldest child, so you'd be able to save some money that way, rather than dipping into your savings.

You asked why there might be a risk of her putting the weight back on. Well, there are all sorts of reasons, some of which have been mentioned - there is a high rate of relapse in people who have lost a large amount of weight (for one); you never know what life is going to throw at you, and any accident that might prevent her from following her current physical activity level might also lead to a weight increase; depression for other reasons might also cause her to go back to comfort eating - you just can't predict what might happen. Of course, none of these might happen and she might stay a healthy weight for ever more now - but at this stage, you just can't say that. The longer she stays healthy weight, the more likely it is to "stick" - but it's too early.

Anyway, I think you've had a lot of good advice (and some very unnecessary bashing!) on here, so I hope you can work something out with her.