AIBU to not pay for DD's skin removal surgery?

[MrsParkinson]

Hi Mumsnet,

I am looking for unbiased opinions here.

A bit of a backstory. My daughter is 19 and has always been overweight from about 8, she used to sneak a lot of food and I did everything to stop that, things did improve, but at around 11, she just kept putting on weight until she was 18 really and ended up at 20 st, she began slimming world and I am really proud of her for getting to an ideal weight in these last couple of years (almost 20).

She is currently on a gap year so does work. I admit she definitely doesn't waste her money by any means, it's just unfortunate she is in a min wage job - she plans on going to uni next year.

I am definitely not rich or well off, I have to work full time and although on 40k a year, it isn't lots. I have 2 other DC at uni too, so they need some financial help.

She has been recently receiving psychological help and before getting this, admitted she overate, etc. but since having therapy has become a bit "I was only a child and I'm sad you let me get fat" and just stuff along those line, when really that's unfair and a bit passing the blame. She got heaviest when she was a teenager, I couldn't control that.

We recently spoke about her loose skin, something she brought up with me. I do appreciate it's hard for her, she is a young adult and obviously it isn't something she wants. She has spoken to the GP who says due to it not causing any health issues, there is nothing the NHS can do, which is fair enough.

She has asked if she can 'borrow' the money. The thing is, she has no way of paying this back... She is on 10k a year and plans on going to uni next year, so she just won't be able to.

There is some money put away for me that's from my husband, definitely not a lot, but is a financial aide for me. There is enough to cover the cost, but I am then left with no financial security and I do need that. Especially when she just can't pay anything back.

I suppose I'm looking for advice on weather I am being unreasonable for not paying for the surgery?

Thank you for your time if you reply.

I would help her. Being over weight or having major body issues affects every single aspect of your life. If you haven't experienced it, it's very hard to understand.

I was a slim child until my home life caused me to over eat (sugar / treat wise). It has affected my entire life. It started when I was 11. I wanted to kill myself due to stretch marks and weight many many times, yet I've never ever been near 20st.

Please do what you can to help and support her, at the same time, surgery is a huge risk so please look into it, not just the cheapest option. X

@Tessliketrees, because they also believe it's her responsibility to pay because they were never overweight, so if I cut back on how much foodshopping they get or whatever, it really isn't going to go down well.

@LondonLassInTheCountry, I help the other 2 will living costs, she lives at home, so I pay for her that way, it's equal right now.

Oh drop the "my other kids arent fat so how was it my fault" crap. Your other kids maybe had more self control than she did, but if you knew she was taking far too many snacks/treats you should have stopped buying them, or not keep them where she could take whenever she wanted. If that meant having a physical lock on the cupboard to stop her helping herself thats what you do. Are your other 2 dcs boys by any chance who have a naturally higher calorie need and so the too much food for her was ok for tbem hence no weight gain?

@HelenaDove well done on your success, she lost the weight in 20 months, so not sure if that is classed as fast or not, she is very toned, as she has taken up martial arts, but it's just the skin really.

MrsParkinson How much do you give the others/how much would you have given her for uni? Could you agree to give her the equivalent towards her surgery and give her no financial help at university instead?

No it is your responsibility as a 8 year old and young teenager, believe me I know my son went from normal weight to obese in 5 months this year he was depressed 12 years old and the only place he can get food it us. Yes it leads to rows and these are not helpful but ultimately the food was supplied by us.
He is know loosing weight as he is happier and we are limiting what high fat/high sugar items come into the house, take away is extremely limited now.

However if you don't have the money to spare you don't have the money to spare.
She has the rest of her life to pay back a loan if this is that important to her.

That sounds like a fairly sensible speed. The first 7 stone of mine came off in 7 months and i got gallstones.

It took me 18 months in all.

A few years later i had to re lose the last 4 stone which i regained after DHs heart attack. To lose 4 stone then took me 3 and a half years. Its harder the second time.

Why would your other children hate her?

@pringlecat, the rule was financial help until 21, so the fact she pays no rent come out of that to, so she will get the same till 21, so she plans on going to uni at 20, so will only get for a year anyway.

@AlmostAJillSandwich, one is a boy and one is a girl.

I think that will cause my 2 other children to hate on her
Good Lord, why?

I have about 40k from my husband and it would probably take half of that, as it would be for her arms and legs too.
So you wouldn't be left with nothing. You would be left with £20k, which is not bad for someone on £40k a year whose children are adults.

That said I'm in two minds as to whether you should pay 100% or at all. Interested to read other people's take on this.

because they also believe it's her responsibility to pay because they were never overweight, so if I cut back on how much foodshopping they get or whatever, it really isn't going to go down well

I have a number of solutions for this "problem". Why are you discussing this with your (presumably) younger teenage children? Don't discuss your financial affairs with your teenage kids. Sorted.

If you have presented to them like us no wonder they think that (your poor daughter). Try raising them to have empathy for their sister.

Why would it affect their shopping when you have 40k that is just for "security" and the op only costs 10 (but has suddenly jumped to 20 because "reasons")?

You are basically saying you don't want to help as it's her fault she got big.
Blame aside why wouldn't you want to help her if you can?

@HelenaDove, oh she had her gallbladder removed, that was awful to see she was in lots of pain, but that wasn't from the weight loss as she had that before.

@Tessliketrees, my other children are 18 and 21. They are at university.

So she's only getting help for a year at university anyway?

I think you've already decided YANBU - you still haven't said whether it would make a profound difference to her happiness.

I think you should help her but contingent upon the weight staying off for 2/3 years and no more than half. If she wants it enough she can save or take out a payment plan when she is working.

It's tricky. My dd has had some mh problems which I don't believe were my faulty although had I known then what I know now may have picked them up earlier. She had a clinical issue, an underlying neuro developmental disability that caused anxiety and depression.

There was no NHS support available. CAMHS didn't want to know so I had no choice. I had to pay to get her the help she needed to recover.

"because they also believe it's her responsibility to pay because they were never overweight, so if I cut back on how much foodshopping they get or whatever, it really isn't going to go down well"

It doesnt do anyone any harm though to go without the more salty/sugary foods. Visceral fat doesnt show. For all you know the other two may have this problem. My size 8 friend used to eat anything she wanted. Until she had a heart attack 3 years ago in her mid thirties. Hospital said her arteries were clogged.

It is definitely your fault that your DD ended up overweight, you allowed her access to too much food and failed to address the problem so she ended up a far adult. As a teenager you gave her money knowing she would spend it on junk food.

You should pay at least half and get her to pay the rest. If she can't raise the money she could borrow it from you and have a formal agreement to repay you over ten years.

my other children are 18 and 21. They are at university

So? Why are you asking their opinion? Why would they need to know?

Mrs Parkinson my gall bladder disease was caused by losing weight far too fast. Surgeon asked me which weight loss group i went to. Said then he saw it all the time.

MrsParkinson - you a
Said she said 'I'm Only child' whilst in therapy, but you later recognise 2 other children. What's the score?

All I see is a blame game. So far it's her fault she got fat (it wasn't- she was a child) and now her siblings wouldn't be happy if you paid for it.

Why not try this instead. Admit it was your responsibility to keep her a healthy weight as a child and that you don't want to pay for surgery. This is the truth that's coming out in your posts.

Setting aside the question of whose 'fault' it was, why wouldn't you help her if you can? She's your daughter, she's done so well to lose all that weight, don't you want to encourage her? She's of an age where she is going to want to form relationships, and may well be too embarrassed to do so because of the loose skin. Not to have the surgery could stop her moving forward with her life. Do you want her to be depressed and start putting it all back on again?

OK, maybe you really can't afford the full amount, but if it was me I'd be helping as much as I could. As for your other DCs being angry about it, simple, don't tell them.

Heebejeebees

I thought that, I presume it's meant to read "I was only A child".

@ilovesooty, I think it would make her happier yes....?

@Tessliketrees, I always discuss things with my children?