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AIBU?

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Original poster

To say that people who don't find out the sex of their babies beforehand can still be organised people?

190 replies

turquoise88 · 28/08/2017 20:46

We didn't find out the sex of DD1 until she was born, nor are we finding out the sex of baby #2.

I guess that finding out the sex of your baby is quite common now, but AIBU to get frustrated that I seem to be met with many comments from people who have found out the sex, about how they just want to "be organised" "have everything ready" and "bond with their baby as they know what they are having."

I see myself as a very organised person, both at work and home and I'd like to think I have everything my baby needs, including unisex clothing (heaven forbid!) before they are born.

I know it's quite trivial. It's just something that grinds my gears.

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 29/08/2017 07:57

Doesn't everyone justify the decisions and choices they make

Ecureuil · 29/08/2017 08:17

Doesn't everyone justify the decisions and choices they make

They wouldn't have to though if people didn't feel the need to put down other people's choices!

corythatwas · 29/08/2017 08:29

I've done one birth not having found out and one finding out in advance. Made no difference to my preparations as we don't do the whole paint-nursery-pink thing anyway.

When dd was born, as our first baby, the spare room just stayed the light blue colour it was, as we thought it looked nice and didn't want the hassle of repainting. I wouldn't even call it a deliberate attempt to avoid stereotyping, more that we knew so little about other parents that we didn't even realise this could come across as a marked choice.

meltingmarshmallows · 29/08/2017 08:32

I wouldn't let what someone else does work you up. It's not a personal dig at you, just what they wanted to do.

It's also entirely impossible to find out the sex and not 'start stereotyping the baby from birth'. By that logic, your stereotyping just begins 6 months later. Finding out doesn't have to impact on how someone will parent and people have differing reasons for it.

WinterIsComingKnitFaster · 29/08/2017 08:53

It's all very well saying "I don't need to know because I got everything in neutral anyway" if you're buying everything new.

But if you're relying on handmedowns from relatives, reused stuff from older siblings and second hand sales then you may not be able to hold out for ecru babygrows and grey prams. If one cousin is offering you a batch of immaculate pink dresses and the other is offering you a bunch of T shirts labelled "Mummy's Lil Prince" then it does help to know. If you have a bunch of heavily gendered stuff given to you last time and you're having another one then it's useful to know whether you need to do any shopping or whether you can reuse the lot. Especially when you're doing the NCT sales, which usually entails snapping up bargains for a year or two in advance.

Personally I found out just because I didn't want a random sonographer to know something about my baby and not tell me. If nobody had known I'd have been fine, but the idea that some strange woman knew whether I was having a girl or a boy and I didn't would have freaked me out.

TealStar · 29/08/2017 08:57

Gosh I wonder how people managed for 2 million years!

Ecureuil · 29/08/2017 08:59

I'm sure people managed just fine. They also managed without smart phones, televisions, cars etc etc.
The option is there, people are entitled to take it.

TealStar · 29/08/2017 09:03

Absolutely Ecureil; it's a luxury to know, not essential.

crookedhooker · 29/08/2017 09:05

We found out as we knew Id need a GA for my section and my DH wouldn't be able to be there. We wanted to find out together.

EdmundCleverClogs · 29/08/2017 09:06

it's a luxury to know, not essential

Many things in life are not essential, I'm sure you willing indulge in them. Though I think you may want to look up the word 'luxury', as finding out the sex of your child at any point couldn't be classed as such.

StarkintheSouth · 29/08/2017 09:10

I've never thought not knowing the sex beforehand means you're unorganised! We found out beforehand mainly so we could think about names and tbh I don't think it sunk in for me for months - knowing we were having a girl made it seem more real. On our parts we're making a real effort not to stereotype her. Her clothes are neutral as possible and her nursery isn't overtly feminine either. Anyone who thinks knowing in advance is being organised clearly hasn't
met me! Grin

eggsbenedict89 · 29/08/2017 11:54

Grin I knew that would ruffle a few feathers - but I stand by what I say.

Those who tend not to find out usually are classier.

travis45 · 29/08/2017 12:01

^* I knew that would ruffle a few feathers - but I stand by what I say.

Those who tend not to find out usually are classier.*^

YAWN.

plantsitter · 29/08/2017 12:07

Saying that is not necessarily a criticism of you though. They're just explaining why they found out.

I found out both times because, basically, I'm nosy (I always read the last page of a novel first), but I'm not suggesting you're not interested in your baby 'cos you didn't want to find out.

Maybe they feel defensive about their choices rather than attackive of yours?

Thissameearth · 29/08/2017 12:42

We found out and we are not organised. We just wanted to know. It was really lovely finding out at midpoint. We had the sex determined by harmony test (they do sex hormone checking as part of abnormality scan) and it's 99%+ certainty. It wasn't so we could buy stuff or go mad with pink or blue: it's a girl and we are scrabbling about now ordering white grey and yellow furniture and bedding, pale blue Moses basket, brightly coloured bouncer etc. We haven't kept it a secret either and in my experience people seem to think it's wrong that we found out and tell as we are "meant to" keep it a secret? These people grind my gears! Other people can make their own decisions but to us it's a surprise giving birth to a baby not sure how much sex itself adds to it. the midwife at parentcraft last week said that a lot of people find not knowing sex gets them through labour - what?! Is a baby coming out in itself not motivating? So I guess weird reasons on each side prevail. Well done on being organised Envy #jealous

Thissameearth · 29/08/2017 12:49

I was going to say - I get the impression from some people that they are surprised at us as we're both professionals and they think somehow it's low rent to find out. What an odd view! If you're relying on that to validate yourself you're toiling.

Abra1d · 29/08/2017 12:50

My babies had a lot of hand-me-down clothes, mostly boys', and we bought very little. We didn't find out their sexes until they were born. I liked having the surprise and guessing.

We didn't do the 'nursery' business, just had a neutrally painted room with mobiles etc. Unless you're in Downton Abbey calling it a nursery seems a bit OTT.

My daughter frequently wore boys clothes as she liked being outside playing with the local children, who were mainly boys. I dislike too pink on girls, though delicate shades can be lovely.

I am sure my son wore babygroes hand s down from my niece at night. They weren't ostentatiously female.

Kingplum · 29/08/2017 12:59

There often seems to be a sense of smugness and superiority from those who choose not to find out.

I chose to know, the option was there and it didn't occur to me not too tbh.

grandOlejukeofYork · 29/08/2017 13:04

You're really overthinking it and doing that really stupid thing people do: assuming that comments people make about themselves are about you.

Example:

"I found out the sex so I could get everything organised" does not mean that they think you are not organised if you didn't. It's not about you. Not everything is about you.

EdmundCleverClogs · 29/08/2017 13:06

Those who tend not to find out usually are classier.

How would you define 'classier'?

Soci · 29/08/2017 13:15

I chose to find out and will do the same with dc2. I always feel the need to explain why and the easiest explanation is that it helps us get organised. But the truth is it has nothing to do with organising. Just that me and dh just like to know what's going on and what to expect as much and as early as possible.

LassWiTheDelicateAir · 29/08/2017 13:21

I don't understand the question. You know you are having a baby- ie a small human being- why does the sex of that small human being make any difference?

When I was pregnant in 1990 unless you had had an amniocentesis you had no opportunity of knowing the sex- even then they didn't tell you unless you asked or there a medical reason to know. I didn't know I was having a boy.

Decaffstilltastesweird · 29/08/2017 13:23

egg

My feathers weren't ruffled by your funny comment. I found it quite entertaining Grin. You sound a little bit like hyacinth bucket and I sometimes found her funny too.

EdmundCleverClogs · 29/08/2017 13:35

I don't understand the question. You know you are having a baby- ie a small human being- why does the sex of that small human being make any difference?

It can make a difference. What if there's a history of genetic illness that only affects one sex? What does it matter regardless, you're going to find out eventually anyway, there is no moral superiority in waiting until you've had the baby. It will be what it'll be, waiting another 4 months won't change that.

What happened in the 90s isn't representative of now, or do you also bemoan that no one uses pagers anymore, or wears shell suits?

AccrualIntentions · 29/08/2017 13:37

I lost a baby at 20 weeks so for me that time in subsequent pregnancies was always a stressful one. I found the scans quite tense and certainly didn't want to find out anything more than if the baby was ok. I hide it but it freaks me out when people refer to an unborn baby by name etc. My in laws all had 3D scans and I struggled watching the films they were so keen to show.

I can relate to that, especially about calling the unborn baby by its name to everyone. I know it's just me being superstitious but I don't like it.

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