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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

NOt to offer to sit in the back?

224 replies

hidinginthenightgarden · 28/08/2017 08:46

We are going to a theme park today. 49 minute drive. Mil has been undecided on whether to come and this morning has announced she will squash between the two car seats in the back as she has never driven there before.
She will not fit. I am about 3 sizes smaller and would be very squashed and uncomfortable. I know I should offer to sit in the back but I really don't want to! There is not reason she cannot come in her own car other than she isn't a great driver. She is only 60 and in good health so not like I am crushing the bones of an old woman but still, I know it would be the kinder thing. Aibu not to sit in the back?
I will add that we do get on fine but She isn't my kind of person.

OP posts:
AntiGrinch · 29/08/2017 06:17

"Oh and I hate this gendered thing whee they don't say "and you have to sit in the back" but if you don't offer you're a dreadful person. "

This is why it's annoying. There are three adults and one uncomfortable seat. One of the adults has exempted himself through gender. One through age. So the adult who is expected to do a nice and selfless thing, will get no credit for it.

I am sensitive to things like this because I am single. When I had a partner, BIL was visibly more polite to me. Now I am single, he expects me to bundle myself into odd and inconvenient places like one of the children. It pisses me off, because actually, not having a partner, I think I deserve more respect and consideration - because when I and my two children show up somewhere, I am an absolute real adult who has done all the driving, all the thinking, all the planning, all the earning and saving money to get us there - I am the woman and the man in my my family. But BIL just sees a middle aged single woman and thinks "she'll squash in there, no bother"

PoorYorick · 29/08/2017 06:21

The majority of 60yr olds I know wouldn't be seen dead at a Theme Park!

The majority of 60 year olds I know are able to make their own decisions about where to spend their time and do not appreciate being lumped together as one homogenised group who do or don't enjoy a certain activity.

I'm frankly stunned at how many people on this thread are talking about people of that age as if they were another species.

AuntieStella · 29/08/2017 06:35

The casual ageism on MN is always depressing

LoniceraJaponica · 29/08/2017 06:44

"The casual ageism on MN is always depressing"

This ^^ with bells on.

60 is not old and decrepit FGS Hmm

londonrach · 29/08/2017 06:49

You dont sound nice op. Yabu and abit nasty.

PoorYorick · 29/08/2017 06:51

As is the constant MIL bashing. Obviously some people have nightmare MILs, and FILs, and husbands, and parents, and siblings...but so, so, so many of these threads are about some innocent woman who's really done nothing wrong except perhaps be mildly irritating in the way anyone who is not a chosen relative might be.

Even in this thread, OP felt it pertinent to tell us that while MIL hasn't actually done anything wrong and gets on fine with her, she still isn't 'her kind of person'...because presumably, that makes her actions more justifiable and will get a sympathetic hearing here. It seems that OP is actually irritated with her husband for never offering the solution that he squishes in the back and she drives...but as ever, it's the MIL who's really to blame.

As for people adding on what 60 year olds do and don't like to do, or what they should and shouldn't like to do, as if they are tank-dwelling creatures....ffs.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/08/2017 07:00

I agree Yorick

A lot of the DILs on here sound like real nightmares. I wonder if there are there any DIL threads on gransnet Grin

Rhubarbginisnotasin · 29/08/2017 07:01

The majority of 60yr olds I know wouldn't be seen dead at a Theme Park!

I think you need to broaden your horizons a bit more and widen your social circle. It cant be good for you that the people around you are all so like minded.

I love a theme park, the rides, but amongst other things Ive also -

Gone on a solo whale watching trip to Alaska.

Zipped down the highest zip line in the world when there.

Done an Eco Tour of Borneo

Booked to go to China next year for 3 weeks as a solo traveller.

Learned to Scuba Dive

Taken a friend who was celebrating her 70th birthday to Italy for 3 weeks. She has health problems but it didnt stop her going the the length of Italy on the train just jumping off wherever we fancied it.

Regularly camp in the Desert and sleep under the stars.

Learned to sail.

There's a huge world out there and so many things to do, even on your very own doorstep. Would I rather be dead than try something new? Would I ever want to be the kind of person who proud to say Id rather be dead than do that? No thank you. You're friends have got it covered enough.

Ragwort · 29/08/2017 07:05

Yet again so ageist on mumsnet.

Personally I wouldn't choose to go to a Theme Park at any age, why not let DH & MIL take the children and enjoy a nice day somewhere or just being on your own at home.

LoniceraJaponica · 29/08/2017 07:09

By the time I'm 60 DD will be at university and I am going to use the extra freedom of not being tied to school holidays to go on adventures Grin

helensburgh · 29/08/2017 07:13

I think it's lovely she wants to spend time with her grandchildren
I'm a. Bit late but hopefully you offerred to sit in the back at least.

Esspee · 29/08/2017 07:16

Presumably the day out is over and hopefully we'll get an update. Personally I would have insisted on being the driver and left my OH to sort out his own problem.

WobblyChair · 29/08/2017 07:21

YANBU. I wouldn't and haven't sat in the back in that situation. I'd rather not go.

CClarence84 · 29/08/2017 17:41

I wouldn't sit in the back, I'm petit and always get oh you're just little so you can squeeze in ermmmm no thanks I'll drive and the rest of you can squeeze!

pinkjjf27 · 29/08/2017 17:57

She may not be your sort of person but she is presumably your husband's mum grand mother to your kids, so that in itself should count for a bit of respect.
She gracefully said she would sit in the back and be with her grand kids she didn't ask you to sit in the back.
Maybe she doesn't feel confident driving there ? What does her age have to do with it? What if you insist she takes her car and she has an accident! Would that put things in to perspective for you and make sitting in the back look rather petty.

jerseylovesmagoo · 29/08/2017 18:03

Life is funny, I'd say, If that's the worst thing to happen - then it's a pretty lovely day. Bless you for being honest with your feelings.

Laiste · 29/08/2017 18:04

I'd have driven or taken the other car. MIL or one of the kids could come with me for company.

Craigie · 29/08/2017 18:25

Yep, YABU. You should always offer to sit in the back if someone older is to be in the car. Just manners really.

Sparklyglitter · 29/08/2017 18:26

Sorry I don't think it's safe for anyone to sit between two car seats! Appreciate that accidents are rare but you should plan for the worst case scenario to avoid it.

RobotGoat · 29/08/2017 18:27

The majority of 60yr olds I know wouldn't be seen dead at a Theme Park!

My mum's 62 and has offered to take us all to a theme park next summer. She also regularly runs marathons, and is planning a trip to Nepal next year. 60 is not old!

mumeeee · 29/08/2017 18:41

I'm 60 and would go to a theme park with family

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 29/08/2017 18:44

It hasn't occurred to me to put a car seat in the front

Dear me

NKFell · 29/08/2017 18:46

Is there a maximum age when you're not allowed to go?

59 is fine but 60 Shock

Casual ageism, casual sexism. Ridiculous.

Crazyunicornlady · 29/08/2017 19:30

One day you might need to rely on your MIL for something. She may just respond in the negative too because you're 'not her kind of person' either!

Abbylee · 29/08/2017 19:58

I'm in my 50s and both dc drive me if we go to the same place bc I'm not as good at driving anymore. I get nervous and they worry. Sometimes I would rather drive but they insist.

It's a bit mean to say she "isn't your kind of people." That would hurt my feelings. It hurt my own mother's when sil said it and brother repeated it. Children learn by example....you will be a mil someday...