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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It was my day

206 replies

6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 05:42

It was my birthday yesterday, I woke up for ready to help "DH" out at work as he was very short staffed, when I woke up I didn't even get a card from hubby or the 2 youngest (hubby would of had to get a card from the youngest).
My daughter phoned to wish me a happy birthday and offered to bring me breakfast but I declined as not everyone eats McDonald's.
I go downstairs and there is nothing waiting, we go to work and I was expecting something there but when for there their was also nothing. So I thought he was really dragging this out and maybe he had arranged a BBQ after work with family and maybe friends, well we get home and nothing, I refused to cry in front of him but I did cry and I still am.
My son and Dil brought the grandkids round and got me flowers and a blouse, then my daughter and sil came round and got me a book and a bottle of prosecco, but by this time I was so very upset, all I wanted was a card and a thought but I didn't get that from DH, he is not the most romantic man and I accept that but this was my special day and it was like it never mattered. Aibu?

OP posts:
Morningwood · 28/08/2017 19:00

@ Jessebuni,

I like your style

Cobweb01 · 28/08/2017 19:03

Wanting to be acknowledged on your birthday by your husband is not asking too much. It would not have taken much to buy you a card or ask if there was something special you would like for dinner in the evening, at least. There is no excuse really, as everyone should be able to have just a little more attention from their spouse/partner on their birthday. I completely understand why you were upset and it would only have taken a little consideration for this to have been avoided.

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 19:04

or their loved ones chivvy them along if they're not that into it.

Tbh, if someone isn't into it, I don't think anyone else has the 'right' to "chivvy them along".

It's really uncomfortable to be put in the position of being "chivvied along" by people you'd rather just respected your feelings.

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 19:05

And I know a few people IRL who don't celebrate or mark their birthdays in any way.

Those who do might go out with their partner for dinner or away for the weekend, but there isn't a big celebration with cards and presents abound.

In fact, it's only on here that I read about it happening!

Mumandteacher123 · 28/08/2017 19:46

It has clearly upset you so really it doesn't matter whether others think you're being unreasonable or not. I would maybe talk to him about it, he may not be aware that it has upset you

Imabadmummy · 28/08/2017 19:59

I do understand where you are coming from.

We have always done cards as a min on birthdays. Not always gifts, especially now we have kids....although I take the kids to the shop now and let them choose something for daddy...one year they chose a paw patrol pup (age 3&4) - seriously they were so excited to give him it as they genuinely thought it was what he would like lol.
I got him a grown up gift lol. Anyway, I digress.....

The one and only time my DH ballsed up was my 1st birthday after our 1st son was born. No card from your son, no card from him nothing. I was gutted. I hid away upstairs doing my ironing (on my birthday!) and cried down the phone at my sister. He's not been allowed to get away with anything like this since.
Doesn't have to be fancy, just a card and acknowledgment is enough. Though I expect more on big birthdays (30/40/50 etc).
Tend to make more fuss from the kids on mother's day which I don't mind.

It is annoying and it's not hard for them to just show a little appritiaction on your birthday....you only get 1 special day a year and everyone likes a bit of fuss, even if they say they don't.

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 20:01

you only get 1 special day a year and everyone likes a bit of fuss, even if they say they don't.

You're wrong.

Abbylee · 28/08/2017 20:45

HAPPY belated BirthdayFlowersWine
YANNNBU.
Some of us need a little more than a pat on the head and a trip at a later date. I personally don't buy myself very much bc i have a chronic illness so on my birthday, i really look forward to a special day bc i do for the rest of my family 364 days of the year. My birthday is the one day that i hope for the love and appreciation to boomerang back.

I also had a tough childhood, so i really appreciate the kindness and love by dh and dc. So call OP and me selfish and babies but some of us need a little more: not expensive, just thoughtfulness.

Btw, OP, i am also a coward about hurt feelings so i might be blunt and say, "btw dh, the trip is WONDERFUL, but you STILL need to do something special with me bc i love you, enjoy your company and want to share the day with you somehow."Cake

Abbylee · 28/08/2017 20:52

As always, a second thought...dh told me many times that my being upfront about feelings on special days is helpful and he likes it. Of course he also said that my complaining makes him feel loved....maybe we DO have problems....Hmm

marhav999 · 28/08/2017 21:00

Of course your birthday should be acknowledged. I am not interested in my own but always feigned surprise and delight for my children. My wife however has a different view so I make a fuss of hers. I mean you would wouldn't you? The bit that got me however was your dinner of quorn and sauce from a jar. (I know why your husband doesn't like eating out. Nowhere serves crap food for him to enjoy. ) I am the cook and always have a good home cooked dinner for my hard working wife when she gets home. If the situation was reversed and she gave me eg beans on toast because she had had a difficult day I would put a poached egg on top and be grateful. However if she gave me quorn and sauce with a "that will do you" attitude it would go straight into the bin, and her next birthday present would be a cookery book. Happy Birthday OP and many happy returns.

Imabadmummy · 28/08/2017 21:11

JetBoyJetGirl which bit? The 1 special day or the fuss? Or all of it??

Lovingit81 · 28/08/2017 21:12

I'm not gonna lie OP I'd divorce him over it!!

Alexkate2468 · 28/08/2017 21:13

OP, there are some really rubbish comments on this thread. Needlessly nasty. I can totally see where you are coming from. In my family and group of friends we all celebrate birthdays. We love the people around us and want them to feel even more special. We always do cards, gifts and an activity such as a meal or drinks or a picnic in summer. Even as an adult, birthdays can be fun. Why do you have to stop celebrating just because you're an adult. If you don't like celebrating, fair enough - each to their own but there's nothing wrong with making a fuss of someone on their birthday.
Your OH was thoughtless and this is what has upset you (although I would perhaps talk to him about his understanding of the Spain trip, it could just be a misunderstanding and e could have thought you knew it was your gift) but a card and a gesture on the day would have been nice.
Happy birthday to you Flowers

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 21:14

mummy this bit everyone likes a bit of fuss, even if they say they don't

I really, really don't and I really don't like it when people override my feelings on it. Genuinely.

drinkswineoutofamug · 28/08/2017 21:18

Belated happy birthday op.
It was my 40th in June. I didn't get a card, present or a happy birthday off my oh.
In fact he moaned that my dad took us out for a lovely meal .
I don't get Christmas presents off him either. Last year I bought my own , just so I would have something to open.
Needless to say, this amongst many other more important issues I'm fucking him off after 22 yrs, but that's another thread.

Enjoy Spain

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 28/08/2017 21:19

mummy this bit everyone likes a bit of fuss, even if they say they don't

Actually no they don't. My DH really really doesn't.

MsLexicon · 28/08/2017 21:20

No CARD? that is a bit pants! Ridiculous man! You have my sympathy

crazyhairdontcare · 28/08/2017 21:43

OP I'd be spitting actual chips if that was me.

I mean, it's fair enough if people don't want their birthdays celebrated or don't see the big deal, but I effing love my birthday and my DH knows this..so if he did absolutely nothing he'd be seriously in the doghouse.

To not get so much as a card is a blood disgrace IMO.

Primaryteach87 · 28/08/2017 21:59

Of course you were upset...I don't know any real life people who don't celebrate birthdays with tipple of choice, dinner with family/friends, cards, small gifts...gosh, she's not expecting the moon. I think mumsnet is a different planet.

cheval · 28/08/2017 22:35

Happy birthday to you!!!☘️🍬🌷🌸 Think your husband is being like my stupid ex. Birthdays do matter, no matter how old you are. It's the people you care about remembering you, just a little gesture is nice.

helsinkihelen · 29/08/2017 11:58

I don't know.... There seems to be a bit of PA dripfeed from the OP. I get that it's upsetting if your OH doesn't acknowledge your birthday. I'm not massively into birthdays but I don't think a happy birthday and you look lovely would quite be enough for me! (backstory - my oh loves buying things and spends weeks/months squiriling things away. Whereas I'm not that into consumption and struggle and usually ask him for a link from amazon and 'play' at surprises - but he's happy with that as he just always likes having things he's a big kid! We make a big effort with the kids, presents, parties).

So I get that you'd be pissed off. But as you say - he's pretty inconsistent. You agreed to work on your birthday, which is something many of us do. And if it's a family business and you're a sahp (which I kind of assumed from you alluding to taking the kids with you) then it's not unreasonable (in the same way he might care for the kids if you had extra stuff to do). Your daughter offered to bring over or take you for a mcd's for breakfast which didn't work out - but I'm sure I could have worked if you'd wanted it to. You spent the rest of the day getting yourself all worked up rather than talk to your partner. And then when your older family came over with gifts and well wishes you didn't make the most of it because you were dwelling on your ohs actions.

I think you need to take a bit of responsibility for ruining your own birthday for not talking to him sooner and going along with the whole 'your present is your trip to spain'. I appreciate you might be going there for health reasons but it's still a break, you'll Most probably do the kind of stuff that people do when they are on holiday (eat out/drink coffee in the sun/visit places) he'll still be looking after the kids and the business so I can see why he might have thought it would make a good present unless you tell him otherwise.

I just get the feeling there's a lot more to it - your update at he's rectified things by paying for extra flightsfor your daughter and a surprise whilst you are out there, cancelled by a 'well, he's off to china' (a bit like the comment 'my daughter's raiding my freezer for my barbecue' ).

I know some oh's are dicks, but also some people are never happy. And I just get the feeling you are too happy to play the victim :-(

CoughLaughFart · 29/08/2017 12:37

I really, really don't and I really don't like it when people override my feelings on it. Genuinely.

So perhaps now you get that you're overriding the feelings of the OP, and anyone who enjoys birthdays, with your constant 'But I don't understand!' comments?

CoughLaughFart · 29/08/2017 12:44

Oh dear Freefaller - didn't get quite the reaction you wanted there did you?

strawberrisc · 29/08/2017 16:14

I hate people being precious over birthdays. You had messages before work and presents afterwards.

JetBoyJetGirl · 29/08/2017 18:24

No cough not overriding anyone's feelings. I'm not in her real life forcing her to do anything.

I do think it's a bit bizarre that an adult would be so upset about insufficent attention on their birthday that they'd still be crying about it the following day and unable to be appreciative of the people who had bought them presents.

I get that everyone is different and people have different preferences, but I do not understand anyone being so upset about it that they'd be crying about it 24 hours later.

Those are my feelings on the matter. I am not overriding hers. HTH

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