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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It was my day

206 replies

6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 05:42

It was my birthday yesterday, I woke up for ready to help "DH" out at work as he was very short staffed, when I woke up I didn't even get a card from hubby or the 2 youngest (hubby would of had to get a card from the youngest).
My daughter phoned to wish me a happy birthday and offered to bring me breakfast but I declined as not everyone eats McDonald's.
I go downstairs and there is nothing waiting, we go to work and I was expecting something there but when for there their was also nothing. So I thought he was really dragging this out and maybe he had arranged a BBQ after work with family and maybe friends, well we get home and nothing, I refused to cry in front of him but I did cry and I still am.
My son and Dil brought the grandkids round and got me flowers and a blouse, then my daughter and sil came round and got me a book and a bottle of prosecco, but by this time I was so very upset, all I wanted was a card and a thought but I didn't get that from DH, he is not the most romantic man and I accept that but this was my special day and it was like it never mattered. Aibu?

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:50

Invisible Now that makes sense.

grandOlejukeofYork · 27/08/2017 11:53

I rather think that your husband/partner should make you feel special and loved every day, rather that focusing all the attention and expectation on "one day a year

Well then your birthday should be an even better day then, surely?

It takes a special type of misery guts to be all faux-innocent at the concept of adults celebrating their birthdays. It's in books, films, tv shows, all around you people do it every single day, so you can't pretend you don;t understand the concept. What you actually mean is that you don't do it either because no-one cares enough to celebrate with you or you're just anti-fun.

charliethebear · 27/08/2017 11:54

I really enjoy birthdays, not just mine other peoples, I just think its really nice to have a day spent eating good food and doing fun things with people you love.
Not getting even a card or a bunch of flowers from your partner is shitty, it just shows a complete lack of care from them? It takes very little to get a card but if it makes your dp happy why on earth would you nor do it? Only if you didn't really care.
JetBoyJetGirl its like hugs, they require no effort or thought but you would be upset if your dp didnt hug you? Just because it requires little effort doesn't mean its pointless. Surely your more likely to get upset if they don't do the small things because they are so easy to do?

foodiefil · 27/08/2017 11:55

Do bugger all for his. YANBU

charliethebear · 27/08/2017 11:59

JetBoyJetGirl if your partner loves you and they want to make you feel special everyday then a day completely dedicated to making you feel special should be something they really enjoy and want to do? And nothing difficult on their part because they do it everyday anyway. Its not the only time they will ever show care and attention to you (I hope not anyway), its just nice to have a day to particularly celebrate that one person.
And tbh you also get to enjoy the celebrations so its pretty lose lose if you don't do it.

gamerchick · 27/08/2017 12:06

I've never worked on my birthday and never will

I don't either, me and the husband take the week off that week Grin I do love a birthday card and would be gutted if I didn't get one.

OP at least your spoke out. Too many people just quietly feel gutted and not thought about on their birthdays. Sometimes people need a poke I they start taking you for granted.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2017 12:06

My dh hates celebrating his birthday. But he has to because dd (9) thinks birthdays are very important and we celebrate them. Grin. My dh has always given me a card and gift and sometimes great presents such as a surprise trip to NY once pre dd. If he gave me nothing, I'd be very upset. A trip to stay with a friend isn't a present. It's time for yourself.

So it doesn't matter what he or anyone else thinks, you should have been allowed to feel special and precious.

At Christmas and next birthday, I'd be asking if he's got you a card and present because you want one. Your right to feel special. It doesn't have to be a massive gift. Something for a few pounds is fine. These days, its token gifts with dh. The occasional larger gift for £80.

WillowWeeping · 27/08/2017 12:08

Crikey there's some mean spirits on this thread!

MsGameandWatching · 27/08/2017 12:09

Grin my ex H used to use that BS excuse "every day should be special!" Except no days were special, ever. Sometimes I think birthdays can be just another way for a nasty spouse or partner to be mean to their significant other. It's great for them, a day when they get to be extra mean and withholding.

Eemamc · 27/08/2017 12:09

I don't really get this attitude of adults shouldn't celebrate their birthdays... why the hell not? It's nice to feel special and make others feel special in return on their birthdays. I'm pregnant with my first, so have I just celebrated the last birthday I'm supposed to be made feel good and nice about? Going forward, I plan to celebrate hubby's birthday with him every year... even if it's not a huge deal he'll definitely be getting a card and a fuss made of him from me. I'd hope and believe he will do the same. My parents have been married for almost 40 years and he always gets my mum at least a card and some flowers, they normally will do something else nice too. Is that a massively unusual thing? Is this why it feels like it took me so long to find the man I wanted to marry? Did the way my dad treats my mum spoil me for other men until I met my hubby?

notangelinajolie · 27/08/2017 12:11

It wouldn't bother me, I'm happy with a hug.

But if you normally get a card from your DH then I get why you are upset. Can't you tell him? He won't know if you don't tell him.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 27/08/2017 12:12

Laughing at the " I get less and I'm happy with it so you're being ungrateful "posters! Are you fuck. Not even a card?! It's just what you're used to clearly!

YANBU OP and the miserable posters saying you are and to get over it clearly put up with poor treatment from their husbands, they set the bar so low so they assume it's normal. I'm looking at you Tippy and Kidding and any others posting such nonsense.

No card is awful as is no gift. Holiday isn't just for you so he should have got a gift to open on the day and from the youngest DC.Whoever it was said that's quite a haul and you were spoiled, I feel rather sorry for them if that's how they see it.

The fact you worked for him on your birthday makes it worse. What is he like as a DH generally OP?

ladystarkers · 27/08/2017 12:14

Wow your going to Spain. You sound spoilt

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 12:15

grand I have plenty of fun thanks. And I don't think it's a case of there being no one who wants to celebrate it with me.

It's taken a fair while to train some people out of asking me what I want for my birthday or what I'm doing. There is one couple who insist and I just let them get on with it because clearly it's important to them. But I am very aware that they are doing it for themselves and not for me!

Most people just accept "I don't celebrate my birthday".

I can see other people do. I can see the value in spending time with people you care about and using "it's my birthday" as a way of protecting that time, but I don't understand the importance people place on cards and presents.

From what I can see, people spend a lot of time not knowing what to get for someone, several shopping trips trying to find something they'll like or finding something that "will do" online and then the same process being repeated when it's someone else's birthday so that everyone has been on the delivering/receiving end of the cycle.

There are frequently threads on here where someone didn't get enough or didn't get a card or didn't have enough fuss made of them. Or doesn't know what to get for someone. I just don't see the point.

Eemamc · 27/08/2017 12:16

And for the record, my dad is thoughtful all year round too...he does stuff like prepares a hot water bottle and put it on mums side of the bed ready for cold nights. He'll de-ice her car as well as his own when he goes out of a winter morning. Nothing that costs money particularly... just good thoughts. Hubby is a bit like that too...I clearly waited for the right man then!!!

TheNaze73 · 27/08/2017 12:18

You sound ungrateful.

HiJenny35 · 27/08/2017 12:18

Totally irrelevant if others think you should be shown every day, or if others don't celebrate, or others do nothing, that all totally irrelevant, in YOUR family you make an effort and do gifts and make the other person feel special on their birthdays so it's only right that you were made to feel special on your birthday. You deserved proper cards, an effort made for the evening meal or at least some kind words if he was counting the holiday as your present. YANBU he should have made more effort. Happy belated birthday. Tell him how he made you.

isupposeitsverynice · 27/08/2017 12:23

There was a time when, as a general rule, mumsnetters held their husbands to much higher standards than the average woman. Now it seems like the opposite, and I know it's all just words on a screen, but it makes me sad. I learnt a lot about good relationships from mn.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 12:30

charlie Hugs are always nice!

I think it's more that if I were bothered about receiving gifts, I'd hope to receive something that showed the person knew me and understood me. So something like flowers that required little effort wouldn't satisfy that. Yes, flowers are pretty and smell nice, but I could buy a bunch of flowers for the woman over the road whose name I don't even know.

My exhusband and my mother before that used to scrutinise the message in the bought card and if they didn't feel a card had been chosen that acurately represented them/the relationship, they'd complain. Presents were rarely good enough either.

My exh used to get cross if people bought him a card with a racing car, football or gardening represented on the picture because he didn't like any of those. He wanted children's superhero cards. My mother made similar criticisms.

Perhaps I stopped engaging with it because it all just became so fraught with 'traps'. I don't know. But either way, I do have fun, I am reasonably good fun at small parties but I don't celebrate my birthday and my experience of adults who do is that there are very odd and specific expectations that seem a little OTT for adults. Especially when people get so upset and judge entire relationships on it (I'm talking about on here and IRL).

My exMIL doesn't speak to me anymore because I forgot to send her birthday card a few years ago. Apparently it showed I don't care. The fact I gave up evenings to take her shopping and still invited her over for dinner weekly 12 months after my marriage had ended meant nothing.

Maybe for other people they're a good thing. But I can't see it myself. They seem to be a test for others to pass or fail.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 27/08/2017 12:37

You sound ungrateful

You sound like you have very low expectations.

milliemolliemou · 27/08/2017 12:54

I tend to forget everyone's birthdays including DH and certainly mine. Came a cropper when I forgot one of my DCs' birthdays after that particular DC had made a special effort for mine the year before - and felt very ashamed. I think people who feel strongly about birthdays need to nudge those of us who are oblivious. I'm sure most of us recalcitrant celebrators would be happy to oblige - it just doesn't occur to us. OP, I think your DD will make your DH step up. But you should have put on a bright face when everyone else made an effort.

kittybiscuits · 27/08/2017 13:04

Wow. Your poor child. And you think it's up to other people to give you a nudge and also hide their upset?

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 27/08/2017 13:05

Came a cropper when I forgot one of my DCs' birthdays after that particular DC had made a special effort for mine the year before - and felt very ashamed. I think people who feel strongly about birthdays need to nudge

How on earth does someone forget their own child's birthday?! Hmm
I think it is people that forget birthdays of loved ones that need a nudge in the ribs with an elbow

EggysMom · 27/08/2017 13:09

Just do nothing for his birthday.

Sorted.

kittybiscuits · 27/08/2017 13:21

I wouldn't say do nothing. Just tell everyone ypu bought him something yu bought previously that was nothing to do with his birthday, and stick with the special menu of quorn chicken/jar of sauce.

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