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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It was my day

206 replies

6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 05:42

It was my birthday yesterday, I woke up for ready to help "DH" out at work as he was very short staffed, when I woke up I didn't even get a card from hubby or the 2 youngest (hubby would of had to get a card from the youngest).
My daughter phoned to wish me a happy birthday and offered to bring me breakfast but I declined as not everyone eats McDonald's.
I go downstairs and there is nothing waiting, we go to work and I was expecting something there but when for there their was also nothing. So I thought he was really dragging this out and maybe he had arranged a BBQ after work with family and maybe friends, well we get home and nothing, I refused to cry in front of him but I did cry and I still am.
My son and Dil brought the grandkids round and got me flowers and a blouse, then my daughter and sil came round and got me a book and a bottle of prosecco, but by this time I was so very upset, all I wanted was a card and a thought but I didn't get that from DH, he is not the most romantic man and I accept that but this was my special day and it was like it never mattered. Aibu?

OP posts:
Moreisnnogedag · 27/08/2017 08:40

I think the thing about the trip was that it wasn't a birthday present, he is just telling people that so he doesn't look bad. I'm not into birthdays at all but still, it has to be a mutual decision to not celebrate birthdays.

I'd be pissed to be honest, especially the telling people about the trip as if its a present thing. That shows he knows he should have got something as he doesn't want to appear a twat to other people.

PennyTentiary · 27/08/2017 08:42

JetBoyJetGirl they're thoughtful within my family as we're not great talkers but use them to write how much we appreciate them or whatever it is we want to say. No need to be nasty. We also make a lot of our own cards. Guess what? Different people like different things and celebrate in different ways. I almost forgot this is shocking news for many MNs.

llangennith · 27/08/2017 08:42

I'd have been upset too OP.
A birthday IS important to most people IRL but apparently not to certain people on MN.
It's one day out of a whole year that celebrates your existence in the world and it really isn't that much effort to buy a card and smile and say 'Happy Birthday'.
Your DH is a self-centred miserable arse. When his birthday comes around make sure you don't buy cards from you or the kids and don't mention it all day.

WingsofNylon · 27/08/2017 08:44

I dont think you are being unreasonable. It is about the lack of effort. We do t go crazy on birthdays but we always show that we have put a bit of extra effort in that day. Sometimes it is breakfast in bed or home made cake. Always a card and certainly a couple of 'Oh, I'll do that for you, seeing as it is your birthday.'

TinyTeaPig · 27/08/2017 08:44

People don't celebrate their birthdays? I would be heartbroken if DH didn't get me a card.
As for someone of the people on here who think that birthdays are childish. OPs family must usually do cards ect if not she wouldn't have expected it!

KERALA1 · 27/08/2017 08:45

Expecting a card, an acknowledgement and a small thoughtful gift from your husband on your birthday is the opposite of grabby and unreasonable!

By his logic anyone having any sort of holiday forgos their birthday that year? Weird.

Hope you totally ignore his birthday op. I'd be really hurt too and comparing op to that awful sounding theme park film merchandising ex is really mean - not the same thing at all.

SpottedGingham · 27/08/2017 08:47

Birthdays are important - it's the one day in the year that is yours. Your loved ones should be falling over themselves to make your day happy! FlowersCakeWine

daisychain01 · 27/08/2017 08:49

You are not being a drama queen OP.

Not sure if you've heard the saying -

They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel

It's how the person makes you feel and quite frankly your DH gets about 3 / 10

It doesn't matter whether other people on here don't think he's done anything wrong, fact is you have every right to feel disappointed at his lazy and uncaring attitude. You have to live with him, not them!

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 27/08/2017 08:49

I think other posters are missing the point if it's a disparage between how you treat him on his birthday.

Well maybe he doesn't like the fuss he has on his birthday. My DH would hate it.

Not everyone is the same funnily enough.

Louiselouie0890 · 27/08/2017 08:49

My OH My mum my dad my sister and brothers all forgot my birthday. When I told them I just got a sorry still no birthday wish or even a card. Worst birthday ever now that's shitty

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 27/08/2017 08:50

Adults don't celebrate birthdays? Well, we all do - maybe not 'celebrate' but we all mark them in some way. Always get cards and presents for one another and have some sort of outing or special dinner/ lunch either out or at home.
I'm not surprised you're disappointed OP but I think you need to be more pragmatic. Some of your family did try to show they care and make it special for you so dry your tears and concentrate on them for now. I would draw a line under your birthday for this year but I would tell your DH that you're a tad disappointed and give him a model of how you would like next year to be.

Wormulonian · 27/08/2017 08:50

The OP did appreciate the gifts from her older children and relatives but she wanted an acknowledgement of her birthday and worth form her husband! She probably is feeling very low and vunerable about her medical condition and just needed a very small gesture from him.

I think when things aren't going so well in a relationship - feeling taken for granted, not getting much affection then "red letter days" seem more important. I don't understand why a partner can't bring their supposedly beloved a cup of tea in bed and say a few lovely words of appreciation- my "D"H was made well aware of this last year.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 08:52

We also make a lot of our own cards

I can see the thoughtfulness of that.

I just don't understand why someone would be too upset to enjoy a present someone else had bought them.

Or why they would reject a thoughtful suggestion that someone else made, even it were not exactly to their taste.

It was these parts of it that reminded me of my exhusband. The problem is that when your expectations are very high, people begin to feel that they cannot help but fail to meet them and then, eventually, they stop trying.

MargaretRiver · 27/08/2017 08:52

I think its fair enough to be a bit disappointed with your DH, but you should have mentioned it to him in time for him to fix it.

And weeping for hours over it is OTT

I do think you were unfair on your DS, DIL, DD, SIL & GC to act upset when they visited. They all went to the trouble of coming round on your birthday and brought you a blouse, a book, Prosecco and flowers.

Many MNers would consider that quite a birthday haul!

TinDogTavern · 27/08/2017 08:57

I am very much not in the "I don't get birthdays for adults" camp. I always try and have a bit of a do for mine, and (try to always) remember other people's. And the OP's partner was thoughtless and an arse. But adults crying their hearts out because their special day wasn't special enough? Now, that I DON'T get. Is there something else OP? Sorry you feel so miserable, happy birthday from me Flowers

Wilburissomepig · 27/08/2017 08:57

Well I'd be upset if DH didn't acknowledge my birthday but it looks like he did when he wished you a Happy Birthday? I can't be bothered with cards etc, I think they're a bit of a waste of paper and money but accept that everyone's different. DH and I are more likely to say something to each other rather than give a card.

I wouldn't be devastated tbh, I might be a bit pissed off but your reaction seems disproportionately over the top. Anyway it sounds like your children made and effort which is lovely.

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 08:59

If he had of forgotten then that's in my opinion would not of hurt so much, he didn't forget he just choose to ignore it.
And as for breakfast I told my daughter that it was very thoughtful, and as for the prosecco I'm going to my daughter's after I finish work and we are going to share it x

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 27/08/2017 09:02

perhaps your husband forgot due to the stress of work, you said his work was short staffed, and you being ill.

Backt0Black · 27/08/2017 09:02

I wouldn't cry over it, but I do think your DH has been incredibly thoughtless. He's meant to be your best friend and to be frank he just hasnt bothered. If its any consolation (and its not!) I had the same this year, 2 months after giving him a son, was left feeling under appreciated and invisible.

I get it OP.

Some men, grrrr.

Liiinoo · 27/08/2017 09:03

As a family we don't make much of a fuss about adult birthdays. We usually don't buy presents on the basis that if there was something the other wanted and we could afford it they would probably already have it (like your trip to Spain) However I would be very upset if DH didn't buy me a card. So IMO YANBU about that.

However YWBU and a bit of a martyr to decline the breakfast if you like McD's breakfasts. Never mind if not everyone eats them, it was YOUR day and if you like them you should have pleased yourself and asked DH to sort out the non-McD eaters.

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 09:12

I declined the McDonald's as I was getting the 2 youngest ready to take to work with me and I didn't have the time as I had 20 minutes to get out the door and my daughter is 10-15 minutes away and she was still in bed, so although it was very nice it was not practical.
When dd asked what dh got for me and I said nothing she was a bit shocked, dh is renowned for either really naff gifts or amazing thoughtful gifts, we all love his naff gifts as they really are naff but it's one of the reasons we love him, maybe that's why this has affected me more than it should of.
But dd has just messaged and she is going to do a BBQ later so that has really cheered me up as I love family time.

OP posts:
WowserBowser · 27/08/2017 09:14

Your daughter sounds lovely Smile

Sunferra · 27/08/2017 09:14

I would be disappointed and hurt. Not least because he missed the opportunity to model kind, caring behaviour for your younger children. We should all feel loved x

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 09:16

DD is lovely, she also makes me laugh as at this moment she said she is at my house shopping in my freezer for BBQ food lol

OP posts:
MozzchopsThirty · 27/08/2017 09:18

It's so disrespectful to not even get you a card
My EXH used to be like this, it only gets worse, and then you come to expect it and start ignoring your own birthday or other significant events

In a relationship this would be a deal breaker for me now.
My ex boyf used to work out how much he'd spend on me then want the exact amount spent on him
Yep he's an ex too

Just a way of keeping you down imho
Making sure you don't think too highly of yourself