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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It was my day

206 replies

6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 05:42

It was my birthday yesterday, I woke up for ready to help "DH" out at work as he was very short staffed, when I woke up I didn't even get a card from hubby or the 2 youngest (hubby would of had to get a card from the youngest).
My daughter phoned to wish me a happy birthday and offered to bring me breakfast but I declined as not everyone eats McDonald's.
I go downstairs and there is nothing waiting, we go to work and I was expecting something there but when for there their was also nothing. So I thought he was really dragging this out and maybe he had arranged a BBQ after work with family and maybe friends, well we get home and nothing, I refused to cry in front of him but I did cry and I still am.
My son and Dil brought the grandkids round and got me flowers and a blouse, then my daughter and sil came round and got me a book and a bottle of prosecco, but by this time I was so very upset, all I wanted was a card and a thought but I didn't get that from DH, he is not the most romantic man and I accept that but this was my special day and it was like it never mattered. Aibu?

OP posts:
Beadieeye · 27/08/2017 13:28

He's a shit. Granted he's paying for a trip to Spain which I would be over the moon with, but he's used it as a green light to basically ignore you on your birthday.
You can't put being inconsiderate down to the holiday, work stress, lack of money or any other excuse. Token gestures and a card don't cost much but the lack of them mean a lack of care. Some have suggested telling him so as to correct him the next time. The point is, he shouldn't need telling. Yanbu

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 27/08/2017 13:43

I forgot my mum's birthday one year (we were in the middle of moving) and nearly forgot my youngest DC's birthday another year. It had been a very stressful time and the dates didn't click until the day before his birthday.

@Huffle - sorry, should have explained that the "blimey" was because I rarely take annual leave for my own birthday so it seemed weird that other people would take it for someone else's. Having seen your explanation it makes perfect sense and is actually what birthdays should be about, spending time with people you love and who love you. Flowers

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 14:06

@Music - we don't go on holiday so everyone usually has lots of annual leave to use :) Birthdays are usually some of our only family days out. My birthday is in the summer holidays too and I'm a teacher so it works out very well!

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 17:54

Update:
Dh and I had a chat, he has now booked DD a ticket so she can come to Spain with me he has also sent our friend some money for a little surprise, I tried not to make him feel bad and he is sorry about not getting the kids to get me a card but he said he couldn't find last year's card to rewrite this year.
Everything is good and happy again in the demanding household

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 17:56

but he said he couldn't find last year's card to rewrite this year.

Shock Hmm He said WHAT?!

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 18:07

But (whatever I feel about presents) how is him buying your daughter a ticket to Spain a present for you? Why has he sent your friend some money for a surprise and how it that a present for you? What's the deal with not being able to find last year's card?

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 18:08

I'm just not sure how all of those things have resolved the issue of him not getting you a card or present if that is what you wanted.

CoughLaughFart · 27/08/2017 18:23

But (whatever I feel about presents) how is him buying your daughter a ticket to Spain a present for you? Why has he sent your friend some money for a surprise and how it that a present for you?

Maybe he knows the OP would enjoy her daughter's company on the trip? And how could paying for her to have a surprise in Spain not be a present for her?

missiondecision · 27/08/2017 18:25

Only on mn do people not celebrate birthdays.
Yanbu - he is an inconsiderate boil.

missiondecision · 27/08/2017 18:26

Oh so you did get a present.
I would be over the moon at trip to Spain with my daughter.

Dowser · 27/08/2017 18:44

I think we sometimes have to educate our oh on what we expect if they come from a family where these things don't matter or they just can't be bothered.

My husband knows I like a card. He never bothered with a card for his first wife but he always gets me one. I also get a valentine card, an anniversary card and a Christmas card.
I get a nice present. I often mention something to him and he buys it or if we are out to get and I see some I like he will get it for me.

I do the same for him. It's just a little thing to show that you are special so I can understand your disappointment.
You need to talk to him.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/08/2017 18:59

Glad you are happy. I'd still remind him near the time next year of your expectations.

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 19:07

He understands that the trip wasn't originally a present, and he feels bad about a card so he has arranged our daughter to accompany me so it's more like a holiday and he has a small surprise waiting, he understands now how I feel and it was nothing to do with money but he is doing his best with making amends .
P.s. he is off to Tenerife then China before I fly out, but it's fine with me.

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 19:16

Oh so you did get a present.
I would be over the moon at trip to Spain with my daughter.

That was originally nothing to do with the OP's birthday. Her dp subsequently said it was her present. Are his Tenerife/China trips for his birthday too?

Thought not.

AmateurSwami · 28/08/2017 17:41

Yan being even slightly u.

Cunt move on his part.

Ignore the "just get over it" trolls, complete bollocks. You don't have to accept rudeness.

YetAnotherNC2017 · 28/08/2017 17:50

Your DH is a dick.

cocktailismyfavouritefilm · 28/08/2017 18:06

I'd be pissed off too!! My husband normally gets me presents that I don't want (like chocolates when I'm on a diet) and a card. He'll ask me if I want to go out for dinner but I'd probably end up arranging it. He always helps the children choose me something and make me a card, which they love doing. So I'm feeling pretty grateful after reading about your birthday. Show him this thread so he knows to make more effort for next year. Yes it's annoying that you need to bloody tell him but some men are just like that!!

elfies · 28/08/2017 18:18

Ahhhh, Birthdays are special , but I sometimes think we give other people the birthdays we want, love ,treats ,cosseting and presents , and our husbands give us the birthday they would secretly love , a quick cuddle ,chance to go for a nice drink and perhaps , cash to buy exactly what we want .
Neither is wrong , just misunderstood

jessebuni · 28/08/2017 18:20

My DH forgot my birthday once. So I brought myself a present. Over £200 worth of present. He didn't forget again.

RB68 · 28/08/2017 18:22

I am so with you - the same happened to me on Saturday. I was upset too. And I don't get to go to Spain either.

I always make sure everyone has AT LEAST a card to open and usually a gift even if its only a tenner, a box of chocs or something little. We also usually have a day out and do something.

I said I didn't want a gift - we are so short of cash - and thought they would realise that didn't mean forgetting all about my birthday altogether!!

It is a lack of consideration for someone who runs around after them facilitating the life they want. It is selfish and self centred to not even properly acknowledge that some recognition of the date is needed. It makes you feel unloved and uncared for frankly

I was upset and told him so and explained why, he realised he had really fkd up and we did go out briefly and then for some lunch at a local inexpensive pub and had a nice afternoon in the pub playing a board game and eating lunch before heading home - I don't want more than that - I don't want stuff - I just want to be valued for what I do for the family

Freefaller86 · 28/08/2017 18:35

Hold on, so he bought you a trip to Spain, is trying to deal with having multiple kids, work, and everything else that is probably going on his mind considering how selfish and self involved you are given your reaction to not having the whole world drop everything for "your special day". Your daughter called to see if you want breakfast and you turned your nose up at it. You sound like a complete cow to be honest.

You are a grown ass woman. Birthdays aren't special. It's just another day. Someone doing something nice for you is a gift out of the goodness of their hearts, not an obligation that you get to be offended by the lack of. If it was me I would get sick of your attitude fairly quick and tell you where to go and it wouldn't be Spain.

HappyAxolotl · 28/08/2017 18:40

Is this a Mumsnet thing? The only people I've ever met who don't acknowledge birthdays are JWs. Everyone else gives family, friends and definitely partner a card and wishes them a happy birthday!

I'm clearly not the target audience here.

FaveNumberIs2 · 28/08/2017 18:45

Not exactly divorce reasons but your husband is an ass and needs to be told. It's one day where he should make everything about you, and he blew it.

JetBoyJetGirl · 28/08/2017 18:50

Happy I say Happy Birthday and appreciate it if someone says it to me, but I don't generally send or receive cards or presents and don't 'celebrate' in any way.

I have a couple of friends who insist on giving me a card and present. I tolerate it because it clearly makes them feel good about themselves. But I'd rather they didn't.

farfarawayfromhome · 28/08/2017 18:53

This thread baffles me. I don't know anyone in RL who doesn't celebrate their birthday...or their loved ones chivvy them along if they're not that into it.

In my family and circle of friends it's something to be celebrated and it is special. I love my DH and love to spot things he might like and see his face in the morning. DD and I always makes cards and she leads us into the bedroom singing. She then usually opens his presents (she's 4!).

DH had a shit childhood, rubbish birthdays and can be a bit curmudgeonly about it all but even he gets on board with his own and would NEVER do nothing for mine.

Each to their own but I think it's joyless and a shame to not bother with them when you're an adult.