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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

It was my day

206 replies

6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 05:42

It was my birthday yesterday, I woke up for ready to help "DH" out at work as he was very short staffed, when I woke up I didn't even get a card from hubby or the 2 youngest (hubby would of had to get a card from the youngest).
My daughter phoned to wish me a happy birthday and offered to bring me breakfast but I declined as not everyone eats McDonald's.
I go downstairs and there is nothing waiting, we go to work and I was expecting something there but when for there their was also nothing. So I thought he was really dragging this out and maybe he had arranged a BBQ after work with family and maybe friends, well we get home and nothing, I refused to cry in front of him but I did cry and I still am.
My son and Dil brought the grandkids round and got me flowers and a blouse, then my daughter and sil came round and got me a book and a bottle of prosecco, but by this time I was so very upset, all I wanted was a card and a thought but I didn't get that from DH, he is not the most romantic man and I accept that but this was my special day and it was like it never mattered. Aibu?

OP posts:
gonnabreakmyrustycage · 27/08/2017 11:17

OP I'd be fuming. You were 100% right to be upset. How odd that people think that celebrating birthdays is for children. Wonder if they feel the same about Christmas. I would be very sad if dh didn't spoil me on my day.

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:17

Bitter? Because they are snidey on Mumsnet to those who enjoy birthdays. They must be fun at parties.

Zaphodsotherhead · 27/08/2017 11:20

I don't understand people who don't understand birthdays.

Isn't it nice to have a day that's all about celebrating your existence on this planet? Just one day when you get to say, 'actually it's pretty awesome that I came to be me and not someone else entirely, and to live on this lovely Earth and see birds and smell flowers'? To be able to think about yourself?

We're conditioned, as mothers, to think about others, put them first, subjugate ourselves, isn't it nice to have one single day to make it all about us for a change?

It doesn't have to be about 'stuff', just about a day to sit back and breathe and think about how astonishing life is.

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:20

@jetboy

Mostly. There are presents at both houses first, then breakfast for everyone. Something we don't have every day like pancakes or pastries. Then we either go out for a family day out, or we go for afternoon tea and a walk, or somewhere in the day and then a meal in the evening. Depending on whose day it is and what they want to do. This year DS chose a party, last year he chose a theme park. My mum wanted afternoon tea, my Dad wanted steak, I wanted a curry and a day at the beach.

Original poster
6demandingchildren · 27/08/2017 11:23

Zaphod you have said that very eloquently and that is how I feel xx

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:24

You can be good fun at parties without celebrating your birthday... They are not the same thing.

I'm not being snidey, I'd love it if someone could say something that made me think, "ahh" that makes sense! But, tbh, it's not so much the celebrating of it I don't get, more the expectations and then the tears and disappointment when they are unmet.

CoughLaughFart · 27/08/2017 11:25

I've never worked on my birthday and never will.

I went to work on my birthday for the first time last year - I'd had time off to go to a concert days before, so it didn't seem worth using up more annual leave. Everyone in my office was horrified! Grin More evidence of 'Only on MN...'

MusicForTheJiltedGeneration · 27/08/2017 11:26

@Huffle

Are you saying your family book time off work on your birthday? Blimey Shock

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:26

If the expectations and thought are there because of something that happens every year, for the five people in your family, there is bound to be disappointment if suddenly one year it didn't happen.

thatdearoctopus · 27/08/2017 11:27

Threads like this have been mentioned on the "Only on Mumsnet" thread. What sort of miserable and mean worlds do some of you live in, where it's unreasonable to want a tiny bit of fuss and acknowledgement from your husband on your birthday, ffs?

OP, YANBU. Flowers Wine Cake Happy Birthday!

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:27

@Music - Yes. They have annual leave. They take a day on my birthday. Not sure why that warrants a "blimey" 😂

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:28

Huffle That sounds lovely. Of course I see the value in spending time with other people you care about and doing stuff together. You're lucky that you have that closeness Smile

My children also have the 'birthday breakfast' which is something we wouldn't normally have on a school day.

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:29

@Jetboy I am lucky - there are only 5 of us in my whole family. DS, DH and I, and my parents. We're very close and we make the most of the time we have together as there aren't many of us left :)

Bluntness100 · 27/08/2017 11:31

MN'ers love to fall over themselves to tell you that as an adult you should not expect even a card on your birthday and you're a childish loon if you do

Really. Weird because all those mumsnetters seem to have refrained from posting on this thread. Confused

HotelEuphoria · 27/08/2017 11:32

He was an arse but it has made it really easy for you for his birthday hasn't it? zero effort required on your part and if he complains say "I enjoyed my birthday so much I did the same for you as you did for me - what's wrong?"

bluebell34567 · 27/08/2017 11:36

i would be very upset, too.
when its his birthday get nothing for him, or if you cant wait that long don't do a favour he asks from you so he can understand how it feels. because talking to him wont help I guess. that's very rude of him. you can put it in his face many times in the future. xx.
btw happy birthday :) Flowers

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:36

What sort of miserable and mean worlds do some of you live in, where it's unreasonable to want a tiny bit of fuss and acknowledgement from your husband on your birthday

I don't celebrate it at all; it's not just about husbands. My peers and I have pretty much all turned 40 over the past few years. There were parties, holidays, cruises... you name it, people I knew, all over FB... people were doing these things. Big efforts, big expenses...

I didn't do anything. Day came and went. Children said Happy Birthday, that was all.

I think it's more that I don't understand the tears and the upset when things don't meet people's expectations. Or the presents aren't good enough. Or the celebration isn't big enough.

I have a friend of 5 years who doesn't celebrate her birthday either. And one who uses it as an excuse for a bit of a party/get together, but there are no cards or presents exchanged.

Worriedrose · 27/08/2017 11:37

It's shit not to get a card
It's especially shit not to get a card to give to your kids to give to you
It's a fucking card ffs

MsGameandWatching · 27/08/2017 11:40

Really. Weird because all those mumsnetters seem to have refrained from posting on this thread.

Have they Confused? I've seen a few and have also often seen them on other threads hence their shout out on the "only on MN" thread.

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:41

Huffle That is lovely. Similar position here - just me, my 2 children, one sibling, their spouse and child.

I'm not sure if they do anything for their birthdays. Probably not, or I'd know about it presumably! Grin

I love the idea of it being protected time that you all spend together just having a day out or whatever. I think spending time together is the most important aspect. Which I guess is why I don't understand the upset over a card or 'requires very little thought' gift...

Willow2017 · 27/08/2017 11:44

I woukd be disappointed to.

Ops dh has done absolutely nothing except brag snoit the trip which was only arranged for her health. She usnt having some nice thought out 'surprise' she is going to a friend's. It's only coincidence it's near her birthday due to friends availability.

Dh could have bought a card and got little kids to scribble in it it only takes minutes. If op is good enough to work to help him out on her birthday then surely a card isnt a lot to expect?

You need to tell him how crap he made you feel. If he gets treated well on in his birthday he should do the same for you.

Then buy yourself something nice and move on and remember this when his birthday comes around

TheFaerieQueene · 27/08/2017 11:44

OP ignore all the miserable bollocks in here. The MN birthday hair shirt brigade are out. I think everyone deserves one day a year when they are made to feel special and loved. Your H is being an arse. Wine

Huffletuff · 27/08/2017 11:44

I completely agree. As long as we were together and celebrating I could take or leave the presents/cake/food etc. We've had some tough times but still enjoyed birthdays together with a simple card, a homemade cake and some jelly and blancmange because if I didn't get that on my birthday, in the shape of a rabbit, then I really would have a tantrum Grin

InvisibleCities · 27/08/2017 11:48

I do wonder why adults put such significance on their own birthdays. It's important to them perhaps, but not everyone else.

What tends to be the case when this comes up is that the woman has been slogging away unthanked for her partner and family all year, with the expectation that she will be acknowledged and shown she is valued on that one day. When that doesn't happen, it's the straw that broke the camel's back. Someone who knows they are loved doesn't freak out over a forgotten card.

One major contributor to all this is that women tend to be the social directors and social PAs for their partners. These men never have to remember to post a card in time for a parents' birthday, choose a childs' gift, or note down the date of a friends' retirement party because their wife does it all. And then she is surprised when he forgets (or thinks there is no need to acknowledge) her birthday...

JetBoyJetGirl · 27/08/2017 11:49

I haven't seen a blancmange rabbit in years! Grin

I think everyone deserves one day a year when they are made to feel special and loved.

I rather think that your husband/partner should make you feel special and loved every day, rather that focusing all the attention and expectation on "one day a year".