To be horrified by the way some people talk to their kids

[MistressPage]

I know small children can be wearing. I know. But the way some people talk to their kids is so upsetting. At the farm and just passed a mother saying, very calmly and quite conversationally to her small daughter: "after your bath I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. I've had enough of your face today, ok?"
It chilled me to the bone. Such quiet contempt. That poor little girl. Why must people be so awful to their children
It's not that hard to be a grownup and remember to rise above is it? And not talk to your kids as if you dislike them?

Sooo.. if a man had a hard day and was stressed out would it be ok for him to be cruel to his wife? Of course not. For some reason its ok to trot out "its just a snapshot" when its aimed at kids.

I think a lot of the snapshot comments cone from people who also talk to their own kids that way because they're stressed. As if its ok. No, manage your own stress don't take it out on other people especially children.

Worst I heard was a mum saying to her small child (4ish) that 'this is why your dad doesn't love you' 😩 Was awful

But isn't a lot of this treatment of children cultural and inherited?

I'm over sixty and remember women with the big prams and a toddler who would get screamed at and slapped around the back of the legs for not walking fast enough. This was standard in my town.

Some people, like some of the commentators here manage to avoid passing on the abuse they suffered to the next generation, but all too many people just repeat what their parents did.

I opened this thinking it could well be about me speaking to DD.

As it is, it could well have been, as I've said something very similar to her this week.

She's 18 and has sn... and yesterday would have driven anyone to drink.

I'm not proud.

'But isn't a lot of this treatment of children cultural and inherited?'

Absolutely.

think a lot of the snapshot comments cone from people who also talk to their own kids that way because they're stressed. As if its ok. No, manage your own stress don't take it out on other people especially children.

I don't. Also see upthread for why it's just ridiculous to compare a husband to a child.

I may regret posting. I have three dds and the older two have that special skill of winding each other up. When asked to stop please they continue with the 'your fault' 'no yours' x100. I do on that occasion, after several attempts of no please stop now, tell them both to shut up.

I do tell them 'right go on now bugger off and play that's what we are here for' if at friends house/park etc. Normally coupled with an exaggerated shoo motion.

I have told eldest that she is ACTING like a spoilt bitch. I emphasis acting in the vain hope she knows I'm not CALLING her a bitch, just behaving like one.

With like minded friends, out of ear shot I do call them little shits, or sods but also focus on the better things.

DD2 aged around 3 was once asked in a shop by a kind old gent what her name was. Mortified to say she responded with 'little bugger'. She was only called that in relation to being cheeky (e.g sneaks to kitchen retuning with something from fridge with cheeky 'aint I cute' face which prompted a 'ohhhhh you little bugger' from me.

I'm not sure which "category" this places my parenting skills. Although I'd be horrified to think it was abuse. I feel the worst I have ever said is 'who the hell do you think you are'. Not proud of that. at all.

What @FuckYouLinda says is right- your "telling off voice" becomes your child's inner voice.

My mum died when I was 19, she was an utterly lovely lady, but I can remember exactly the the tone of her voice when she was angry, upset, or disappointed in me- more prominently than all the nice things she said to me. A parent needs to correct their child's behaviour so it doesn't become habitual, but when I am beating myself up over stuff, I repeat in my head the things she said to me.

I think having a 'speak to them as I'd like to be spoken to' rule is what I aim for. Obviously, within reason; "get down off the windowsill immediately", might not be how I wish to be spoken to, but it's necessary sometimes.

Looking at the wider picture and some of the other comments; I think there are different ways of speaking within families and groups of friends. It isn't really fair to make assumptions about those imo as some things sound a lot worse in writing or if they're overheard in passing.

For example, I wouldn't like to swear at or about a child, I have definitely thought my DH is being a 'bit of a dick' occasionally. He's thought the same about me and we're usually pretty straight with each other, albeit in a very lighthearted, jokey way. If we were genuinely angry with each other we'd probably be a lot less jokey.

I've thought the same about most of my friends and family at various points. I've heard a million times between friends and family, "stop being a dick". It's a joke and not meant to be as damning a thing to say as it might sound to outsiders.

So, I think to say you can't even think "he's being a bit of a twat today", or say that about someone, "even as a joke, because it will create an internal dialogue and colour how you view them" is a bit much to me. I love my DH and friends and don't think the fact that we have a bit of sweary, (not very witty, admittedly), banter between ourselves creates an internal dialogue and colours how we view each other.

How many times have I heard, "he's being a little pickle / little monkey / little rascal today" said about children? I sometimes think that's polite talk for "being a bit of a pain". It's just the choice of words. I won't say what I say about my DD if she's having a bad day and we're driving each other a bit bonkers; not because it's terrible - it's not, but because it's very outing!

your "telling off voice" becomes your child's inner voice.

Agree with this^^ too.

your "telling off voice" becomes your child's inner voice.

Totally agree with this.

I've been a bit narked with my DS this morning - he's been following me round tugging at my top and then accidentally emptied a jar or rice onto the floor. I tried not to show him he's annoyed me but was still quietly seething but then I walked past the TV and there was a woman talking about still birth and it put everything in perspective.

There's a difference between swearing and name calling though.

I know - I absolutely know - that one day soon DD will say "fuck" or "Christ" as I am bang guilty of letting both slip out more frequently than I'd like.

BUT that's different to calling a child names. You just don't call a child a "fucking this" "fucking that" or a twat or a prick etc.

Name calling, apportioning blame, hectoring kids; it's just fucking WRONG. It's bullying and intimidating because you're having a go at someone who doesn't have the reasoning nor sophisticated decision making processes that adults do.

God almighty, I am absolutely no origin of virtue. I mention the "buggerlugs" comment upthread as one of my Surrey contemporaries really clutched her pearls at that. I also stand guilty of saying "christs sakes" in her orbit when she is maxing out my patience.

But I am not being toxic, vitriolic nor abusive to her. I'd rather every second word in her vocab was "fuck"* and her to grow up happy and well adjusted than to have a timid adult daughter scarred by having being browbeaten and bullied day in day out all through childhood because she was being a bit of a - well - bugger. Or for just being a child.

Anyway, can you tell a nerve's been hit?

*^i probably wouldn't but it's the principle

I'd rather every second word in her vocab was "fuck" and her to grow up happy and well adjusted*

I agree, although I do try not to swear in fron of dc at all if I can help it. I hear it all the time from passers by though and expect she does too, so she'll probably learn some swear words whether I want her to or not.

It's the nasty name calling, whether that's "you little cunt" or "you are disgusting to me". Swearing isn't the issue I suppose.

Just as long as DH and I can keep calling each other dick heads (as a joke) if we like ! We're not very mature...

I've actually made a point of telling dd1 9 and dd2 7 the swear words. My reason for this is that they will hear them and want to clarify the context. E.g. So and so really fucked about. They could easily repeat that not realising it's swearing. (Crap example)

Plus they do hear it from me and DH mainly when we have a circle and pedals in front of us.

mrs

I've just passed my driving test and haven't actually ever driven with DD in the car! That's probably the only reason why I've been able to limit swearing in front of her . When I finally buy a car though, I imagine it will be much harder...

Agree that context is so important with swearing. I love a swear at among good friends. We all do and we've known each other a looooong time, so it feels fine. I would never say "stop being a dick" to say, another mum at toddler group.

People would be absolutely fucking horrified if I wrote on here some of the things my DHs ex wife has said to and in the presence of DSC. She really is of the opinion that because she's their mother she can do and say what the fuck she likes. Any woman who can actually tell their kids 'your dad is a cunt he doesn't love you and never fucking has' because he won't bow to her ridiculous demands is beyond help. For the record that incident was me being in the early stages of pregnancy unit and bleeding. We were in the hospital while I was being checked over and because he wouldn't change contact time to immediately there and then (instead of the following day) she exploded. The children thankfully understood 😒
She's also called DSD a bitch and a slag. She's truly awful

There is a difference between calling a child a little shit (or a twat or a dick or whatever) to their face and referring to them as that in a conversation with someone else when they aren't there.

The former is harmful to the child and the latter isn't. Some PPs have slightly misunderstood some of the confessions on this thread, I think.

True dolly.

I find both pretty vile though.

Yes I have to agree. In my post I more meant that if my daughter wakes up 4 times in the night, by the 4th time I might be muttering 'why is she being such a dick' as I stumble to get her from her room. I certainly wouldn't direct it towards her in a hateful or "abusive" manner. And I certainly wouldn't express it in public as in the OP.

DD 9 has just gone through a phase of insomnia, staying awake until 11 one night. I didn't swear, but I refused to help as I was exhausted and had lost my rag. Then she went away for 4 days. She went to bed at 10 last night and went to sleep! 😆

Be careful not to judge to much though as I agree with the snap shot comment I have a 10 year old
And we do this weird banter thing.
"If you don't wash you hair tonight I'm shaving it off "
" if Cinderella can do it,so can you,so start with the moping"
We do this ALOT to each other. Omg imagine the way some people may overhear us lol!!

I heard a mum say to her child, a boy about 12, that she would tell everyone he wet the bed every night. She said it really loudly. I think he was joking around, maybe misbehaving and she said that. Found it upsetting.

After asking the child if they did something a mum said "Of course you didn't, you're a dumb shit".