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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be horrified by the way some people talk to their kids

216 replies

MistressPage · 24/08/2017 15:35

I know small children can be wearing. I know. But the way some people talk to their kids is so upsetting. At the farm and just passed a mother saying, very calmly and quite conversationally to her small daughter: "after your bath I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. I've had enough of your face today, ok?"
It chilled me to the bone. Such quiet contempt. That poor little girl. Why must people be so awful to their children
It's not that hard to be a grownup and remember to rise above is it? And not talk to your kids as if you dislike them?

OP posts:
BillBrysonsBeard · 25/08/2017 08:02

I hear a lot of "fucking pack it in!" and "shut up". I was on a bus once and there was a mum behind me with two little kids.. they were just chatting normally about allsorts and she spent the 30 mins aggressively saying "shut it" over and over and over again.. that is all she said. No wonder some kids become turds as adults.

mctat · 25/08/2017 08:05

It's uncomfortable when you hear stuff like this, but I try hard not to judge individual parents, as you never know their situation, we all have bad days or say the wrong thing on occasion, and not everyone has the benefit of a good parenting model/life chances. Count yourself lucky if you know better.

I do think there is a wider societal problem as to how children are viewed and therefore treated. Using fear, shame, punishment and rewards to control and manipulate their behaviour, treating them like you wouldn't dream of treating another adult without a second thought. It's much more covert than just the harsh comments sometimes heard and it's not just parents.

You can set age appropriate boundaries and still be respectful but it's not understood or valued in our society by many. Neither is child rearing in general.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 25/08/2017 08:14

Parenting is hard as we all know, but if you add into that poverty and poor living conditions, the stress levels for those parents must be through the roof. The story about the sausage roll made me wonder if that was the only money the mum had.
No excuse for the parents mentioned below, but I always wonder if that's what we're seeing in public, what is happening at home. Sad

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 25/08/2017 08:17

I hate these threads. You have seen a tiny snapshot of that person's life. You have no idea what is going on with them.

Ferrisday · 25/08/2017 08:37

Neutrogena- no, you don't have to laugh.
That's one of the worse comments on here

GahBuggerit · 25/08/2017 08:45

Wondered how long it would be before "the poor" was brought into it.

For balance most of the horrendously awful parents I know are considered well off (who also feed their kids sausage rolls).

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/08/2017 08:48

Maybe it's just a snapshot?

I like to think that you could freezeframe my life with my DD at ANY stage and never would I be this vile to her.

Am I perfect? No. Do I lose my patience? Frequently. But I love her more than anything and never has the thought even popped into my head that I wish I had never had her or that she is a twat or that I don't want to see her face for the rest of the day.

Fruu · 25/08/2017 09:31

Someone said that they felt that it was worse because it wasn't spoken in anger, but isn't it better for a child that their parent doesn't lose control.

The worst and most humiliating things I remember my parents saying in my childhood were when they were calm. I could understand them snapping and smacking me or saying something nasty when they were angry or worked up, but being coldly criticised or rejected was far worse because it was obviously deliberate and intentional. Things like being told they couldn't understand why anyone would want to be friends with me, or that I had ugly fat fingers. It must be horrific for kids who are constantly spoken to like that rather than just getting it occasionally.

ethelfleda · 25/08/2017 09:41

That made shudder. Honestly - I understand people advising not to judge and that she could have had a hard day etc but I think people need to choose their words carefully... especially around small children!! My mother was like this - I was her least favourite and there seemed a lot of contempt there when I was little. Constantly got told I was a stupid sod with a small (albeit painless) whack across the back of the head... I was usually only doing something child like - for instance sulking a stupid song or just playing in general. I can tell you it has 100% effected me as an adult and I have been known to hit myself over the head in frustration and call myself names when I do something wrong. It took me until this year to figure out why I do it.
Having my first child in November and my mom is all over me all of a sudden and I hate it. I want her to back off and don't particularly want her to have much to do with the situation as I really don't feel close to her at all... even though I see her every week.
Using the same horrible, nasty words to a small child over and over again surely can be damaging to some??

mrsmuddlepies · 25/08/2017 09:49

I admit to being shocked by many posts. MN would condemn a man who spoke to his partner using abusive terms. In fact I think it is classed as emotional abuse and is against the law. So why do we think it's acceptable when some parents verbally abuse their children?

MaMisled · 25/08/2017 09:53

Just this second heard neighbour say to 5 year old "I'm gonna fucking kill you if you carry on"

Makes my heart hurt.

Original poster
MistressPage · 25/08/2017 10:08

Beingatwatitsabingthing You are singing my language and doing it much more eloquently than I can.

Thanks to you and to everyone else who gets it.

OP posts:
mctat · 25/08/2017 10:09

'I've called my daughter a twat or a dick before jokingly, mostly in conversation to others (mainly just my husband). She's 9 months old but sometimes she just is.'

It is definitely worth trying to reframe that. As I'm sure you know, it generally means she's having a hard time about something too. I think it can seem harmless, even funny to some, in our sweary society, to talk about children like this. But I'm not sure it's good for anyone to have the idea of their young baby being a twat or a dick in their conversation. Even if it's just with others. As others have said, it does become an inner dialogue. And a negative way of seeing children.

SandyBeachandtheDeckchairs · 25/08/2017 10:40

I am not condoning talking to children in an abusive way at all, I just mentioned poverty as maybe being a contributing factor. Its an awful tragedy that some adults talk to their children like dirt, and those poor children will grow up to be damaged because of it.

paperandpaint · 25/08/2017 10:40

Snapshot? If you overheard my DP calling me a name or saying he didn't want to see my face when I got home (he'd never do this!!) you would be appalled and if I relayed the story on MN there would be NOBODY saying "maybe he's just had a bad day, we shouldn't be judging him" or "maybe you were being difficult" would there?

CuppaTeaAndAJammieDodger · 25/08/2017 10:47

DD (9) and I play "opposites" sometimes and therefore can sometimes be overheard saying things like "I hate you more than anyone has ever hated anyone in the world" or "you're just so incredibly ugly" to each other. Dread to think what people think of us!

Saying that, this doesn't sound like it's meant in jest and yes, does sound very very cruel. I can only hope she said it in exasperation and felt profusely guilty later and apologised to her DD.

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 25/08/2017 11:09

But I love her more than anything and never has the thought even popped into my head that I wish I had never had her or that she is a twat or that I don't want to see her face for the rest of the day.

Well that's nice for you. Many women with PND have felt this way.

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 25/08/2017 11:09

Not all I stress. But some.

paperandpaint · 25/08/2017 11:13

There's a huge difference between not feeling that you are coping and thinking that you should not have had children and calling your child names. PND depression is not an excuse for name calling.

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 25/08/2017 11:17

I really don't understand why people say "oh you wouldn't treat your husband like x".

No I wouldn't. But if my husband woke me for the day by screaming in my ear, then jumped on me at 3am demanding a drink, then ran away from me screaming in the supermarket, then threw the dinner I'd cooked him at the wall, I'd certainly call him a dick and I'd leave him too.

Obviously not ok to abuse kids. Frankly however I sometimes do feel like I would rather not see my toddler for the rest of the day. I don't say this to him. But I wouldn't necessarily judge someone who did, based on one sentence.

TheSolitaryBoojum · 25/08/2017 11:17

Feeling that way, thinking it are relatively normal occurrences. Saying out loud to the victim is another matter entirely. PND Is a different issue involving mental illness.
But it's also about how women are usually the main careers for young children, and the stress that puts on them. Shared parenting is more effective in spreading the load, if you know you have someone else to hand over to, perhaps you can prevent the anger and resentment at the challenging behaviour from spewing out at the child.

Lovemyfurfurbabs · 25/08/2017 11:17

paper I was talking about feelings, which is what the post I quoted referred to.

StickThatInYourPipe · 25/08/2017 11:22

I can't realy see a time when I would think it ever acceptable to call a child a cunt tbh. I feel the same about twat and dick. They are children, sure they can be a pain in the arse but seriously? A cunt? A 4 year old cunt? I dispair!

BabyAndBunny · 25/08/2017 11:25

I completely agree with you! I've heard some pretty horrific things too such as 'shut up... you're not the only thing going on in my life' 😲 it makes me so sad.

I've heard kids be told to shut up a lot and although I understand they can be infuriating how can you expect them to speak to you with respect if you shout obscenities at them? I think speaking to kids rudely (not firmly....rudely) really contributes to them being arsey and rude to you later on... after all, that's how they were spoken to themselves!

ivenoideawhatimdoing · 25/08/2017 11:27

We struggled to conceive for years, I think it really makes you look at it differently. I would never speak to DS any way other than how I wanted to be spoken to. If DH (who can be more needy than said 18 month old) was to say to me some of these things I'd file for divorce.

At the end of the day, they will accept this as the norm and will expect it from their partners/peers when they grow up because sometimes the people we love speak to us like shit.

DS once broke something of BIL's when DH was with him, something benign, I think he ripped a magazine. He is deaf. He was alarmed at how quickly BIL came over and took it from him and BIL, who he has a good relationship, signed: 'it's okay, it was an accident' when DS wasn't looking he proceeded to call him a stupid little bastard. DH went mental, he picked DS up (he was a bit over one) and held him at BIL and told him to repeat it. BIL wouldn't.

I think because swearing is such an accepted part of adult life that we forget how inappropriate it is to use in context with children. If anyone called my child a cunt, either to his face or behind his back, they would not continue to see him

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