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AIBU?

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Original poster

To be horrified by the way some people talk to their kids

216 replies

MistressPage · 24/08/2017 15:35

I know small children can be wearing. I know. But the way some people talk to their kids is so upsetting. At the farm and just passed a mother saying, very calmly and quite conversationally to her small daughter: "after your bath I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. I've had enough of your face today, ok?"
It chilled me to the bone. Such quiet contempt. That poor little girl. Why must people be so awful to their children
It's not that hard to be a grownup and remember to rise above is it? And not talk to your kids as if you dislike them?

OP posts:
EvilDoctorBallerinaDuck · 24/08/2017 21:20

DS1 has cystic fibrosis. When he was just diagnosed at 5, there was a little girl aged 9 on the same ward with CF as well. Her mum threatened to stab her with a fork if she didn't eat anything. I now understand her frustration, DS1 is now 26 and barely eats and it makes me angry, but at the time I was shocked.

evilharpy · 24/08/2017 21:26

My nearly 3 year old has a fab sense of humour and great understanding for her age. I regularly (jokingly) call her a weirdo and say "go away, I've had enough of you" and she finds it absolutely hilarious.

No chance this was similar?

DixieNormas · 24/08/2017 22:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Keepthebloodynoisedown · 24/08/2017 22:51

When I was at school I did work experience in a reception class. One girl was a bit of a nightmare and her mum was called in after school because she'd hit another child. Her mum sat and told the teacher what a fucking nightmare she was, how she couldn't handle her, and how she didn't want to deal with her anymore, all while this five yo little girl was listening and looking devestated.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 24/08/2017 23:23

Common names for my DD (3yo) when she is being a pain/regularly:

Monster
Pickle Pants
Sausage
Plum (not sure why that one)
Pest

Never ever a little shit or twat, etc.

SleepingStandingUp · 25/08/2017 00:42

Surely though evilharpy its about tone of voice. Your daughter can read your tone and body language as much as hear your words.

Its bum wipe for the DH and fleabag for DS. In awesome so no one calls me names hahah

gandalf456 · 25/08/2017 00:56

I admit I have been less than pleasant towards the end of the holiday. It isn't a very nice thing to say taken in the context here. I don't know what behaviour preceded it or perhaps the child gets demanding as soon as she gets home as mine did at that age. Or perhaps the mum is just a cow. Who knows?

I work in a shop and hear it all from stressed parents from telling a v shy kid she can't have something if she won't ask the lady (me - so I rescue her and get it for her before she asks as I know she won't ) or a dad telling an eight year 8 to hurry up when helping him pack at the till, with hand clapping and everything

RoseGoldEagle · 25/08/2017 01:11

after your bath I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. I've had enough of your face today, ok?

You can read that as being full of contempt...or as tongue in cheek. None of us know do we?

Nope, I can't read that as anything other than a nasty comment, horrible if addressed to anyone but vile to your own emotionally vulnerable 3 year old.

gandalf456 · 25/08/2017 01:15

3 year olds are very literal and would not get a joke. It doesn't sound like one anyway

Todaywashorrible · 25/08/2017 01:21

Yeah, some not very nice things being said and that's sad, but I almost needed a bucket after reading haven't we had a lovely day today, after your bath tonight, go straight to bed so mummy can have a rest ready for more fun tomorrow?"

It was worse than bubba

Todaywashorrible · 25/08/2017 01:23

Agreed Rose, I kept imagining it in a light or sarcastic voice and it just doesn't work.

tigercub50 · 25/08/2017 01:28

Parenting can be the best job in the world but my God it's hard sometimes! I have said things to DD I am really not proud of & I have had to call my DH on coming out with comments like " I don't want to be around you when you're behaving like this". Think it but don't say it to a child. He was at the end of his tether having been constantly rejected, verbally & physically attacked over quite a few months but has to consider the impact on her.

EnthusiasmIsDisturbed · 25/08/2017 01:34

It's horrible ds (and I) gets really upset when he sees how some children are spoken to and will ask me why and I tell him there isn't an excuse

Yes we all get pissed off yes we all wish they would shut up at times yes we all want a bit of peace and quiet and yes we have all felt such anger and frustration when they have decided to have a tantrum at the most inconvenient time that we find it hard to understand how we can feel that way when we love them so much

But you don't act on it, most of us have snapped at some point but we know that we are often not seeing a snapshot you can tell by the child/children's reaction and the parent/s not being embarrassed

But we can console ourselves with seeing just a snapshot of a stressed parent and polish our halo and congratulate ourselves for not being judgemental becuase after all all parents love and respect their children Hmm

CherriesInTheSnow · 25/08/2017 01:46

The way you speak to your children becomes their inner voice.

This is so so important. I am so sad that I've been losing patience with 2 year old DD recently; I'm heavily pregnant and she is fully entering toddlerdom, but it's never ever even crossed my mind to actually say anything that could be construed as nasty. Will remember those words as my mantra from now on.

They are such sweet innocent little things, how can people be so cruel? :( For me, if something is said that has taken you the effort to consciously be nasty (as opposed to venting frustration by saying their name loudly etc) then no, there's no bullshit snapshot excuse to be grasped at.

HorridHenryrule · 25/08/2017 02:00

My 3 year old never used to stand any nonsense she would huff and puff with me. She would also turn her back. When she got to 4 it was I am not forcing her. I think it was her little sister who came into the world that made her life a misery. I would say to her "You do love your sister" and she would say "No I don't". She was a handful back then.

TheClaws · 25/08/2017 02:12

My DM once told me when I was around 7 and my DF was away on business for a few months that she was leaving me. She'd had enough and she was leaving. I have never forgotten, obviously, and even though since I've become an adult and had my own children I can somewhat see the pressure she was under, I never forgave her for saying that. Children are so vulnerable and it is easy to forget they don't yet think like adults do.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 25/08/2017 02:13

11 yo old asked about lunch today (we were out) and I said 'Lunch? I'm not buying you lunch. You had lunch yesterday fgs'. Dead pan face. Someone out there is probably sobbing into their coco about it as we speak. 11yo loves that kind of thing - she finds it very funny. I know plenty of very small children who do too. I had my friends 3 year old the other day & told her she was going straight into the cupboard when we got home & she could stay there ALL afternoon! She finds it hilarious too.

But I think most of us can tell when it's banter & when it's not. It's gut wrenching to hear kids being spoken to like that.

Liiinoo · 25/08/2017 02:35

Things like that are so damaging. I am a counsellor and years ago I worked with a very abusive man and his wife. At one point I asked him what he was like as a child. He told me he was a little shit. I expressed doubt and said I didn't think anyone had ever been born a little shit, surely he must have started out as an ok/average baby. He broke down in tears and eventually left the session. A lifetime of low level parental abuse had left him unable to even contemplate the idea that he might have been lovable once.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 25/08/2017 02:39

Children can be incredibly trying and the masters of timing and pushing your buttons. I doubt any parent raises a child to adulthood without their big red button of all patience lost being pressed along the way. But language and tone matter. I've never sworn at my DCs or called them a sweary name. If I have been pushed to over react by the last straw, I will talk to them afterwards, and be civilised apologising if necessary, because they will make errors, and I want them to have the skills grace to deal with it themselves in the future.

Children will parrot what they hear around them and directed at them. The strongest I've called mine is "muppet" or "plonker" and not in anger. I don't want to hear their voices saying anything stronger than that to anyone else, so why should I call them anything stronger.

A few months ago DS (6) was in a foul mood and ranted "you stinky nappy!!!" I was quite pleased that that was the extent of the worst insult he could bestow in a rage Wink

Arealhumanbeing · 25/08/2017 03:42

I've seen stuff like that and worse. I think often it happens when the parent is tired out and just has nothing left. Pure speculation but maybe she hadn't been to sleep at all? PND or been left to do it alone when that wasn't the plan?

Also though, I do think a lot of people have children without really and truly thinking about what that actually means. What will a typical day be like once you've brought your baby home?

Bl3ss3dm0m · 25/08/2017 04:01

I know a mother who told her 4 year old daughter that she had been a naughty baby, because she punched and kicked her mummy when she was still in her mummy's tummy. I was appalled, and gently tried to explain to her that all babies do that when they are in their mummys' tummys', and that babies in mummies tummies cannot be naughty.

melonscoffer · 25/08/2017 04:30

Why would you be being unreasonable.
You know that you are not.

melonscoffer · 25/08/2017 04:32

Unless of course I am not aware of the point of view that this type of speech to a child is reasonable.

Atenco · 25/08/2017 04:50

So many of these things are so incredibly cruel, it's untrue. But I don't feel the same about the original statement that the OP posted. Someone said that they felt that it was worse because it wasn't spoken in anger, but isn't it better for a child that their parent doesn't lose control. All the woman was really saying was that her child was going to have to play by herself for a while after her bath.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 25/08/2017 07:00

Atenco

"After your bath, sweetheart, you need to play upstairs in your room for a bit. Mummy needs to make the dinner/do some jobs/eat ice-cream until she is queezy."

"After your bath I don't want to see you for the rest of the day. I've had enough of your face today, ok?"

See the difference? One tells the girl that she needs to play in her room because her mum has stuff to do desperately needs some alone time and the other says that her mum is sick of seeing her. They are in no way the same and a 3yo definitely won't see it like that.